Friday, June 25, 2010

I broke up with him....via text....this is our transcript....


Cole: How was your day?
Cole: you mad at me about something?
me: no, just giving you the space you asked for.
cole :Oh, what does that mean? that I only get short answers? How was your workout?
Me: to do your thing with jolene
cole: I’m feeling like this is a one sided conversation.
Me: ?
cole: ?? I have those too.
me: did you see what I said?
cole: about the space?
me: Yes
cole: what thing?
me: U know, answering to her.
cole: are you breaking up with me?
Me: are we together?
cole: dating
Me: we are dating? LOL, really?
Cole: we went on one! Guess I don’t measure up L
Me: I heard you in the kitchen arguing.
cole: Yeah I was
me: You’re her little bitch boy.
Chad: OUCH!
me: yeah you were what, answering to her?
cole: answering or disagreeing?
me: About what? did she know we went out?
cole: About staying at the house and hanging out at the house.
me: she knew you slept in our bed?
cole: No
Me: did you lie to her and tell her u didn’t touch me?
me: be honest.
cole: I didn’t discuss it with her.
me: yes you did, I heard u.
cole: No, I didn’t
me: Then where did you tell her you slept?
me: and why won’t you say what u really did?
Cole: because I wasn’t in the mood for an argument. I was pretty content on sunday!
chad:I did say I slept on the couch, which technically I did in the morning after you went to work.
Me: technically, you f&^%$ the hell out of me and I fell asleep in your arms.
cole: Is that what we did?
Me: you don’t remember?
Me: why do you argue with her?
cole: I haven’t much, but she has started to get a bit possessive.  and YES, I remember! I would put it in the top of all nights I’ve ever had.
Me: so are you her boyfriend? be honest?
cole: I don’t know what I am, maybe her toy?
Me: So are you gonna allow the possessiveness?
Cole: I don’t want to be a possession.
Me: You already are, hers.
me: She doesn’t want you around me?
cole: not really.
me: why doesn’t she want u around me.
cole: because she see’s you as a threat.
Me: why?
Me: Am I?
cole: Maybe you are!
Me: How?
cole: you don’t listen to anything I say do you?  Or maybe you just don’t believe anything I say!
Me: I don’t believe u…at all…..I want off the rollercoaster and I’m leaving the amusement park!
Me: You like this, you FEED off this!!
Cole: I really don’t…it wears me out.
Me: well one of them is ending….for good.  I can’t and not doing this….it’s stupid, it sucks and I just can’t…sorry L
Me: had fun this weekend, will put it in my memory bank….
Me: but I am moving on, without U.
Me: You’re turn to give me my space too…please
Me: Let US end.
Me: It’s over.
cole: I’m sorry for putting you through everything that I have.  I know, too little too late! I knew this was coming eventually!
Me: I’m sorry L
cole: but it doesn’t change how I feel about you! I will give you your space! as much as I am hurting right now!!
Me: Thank you…..
cole: I know you don’t believe that either! But I am thankful we have our kids, so that I still have you somewhere in my life.
Me: Ok, but please avoid me.
Me: I really want it to be over.
Me: Ok?
Me: thank u…
cole: I want you to be happy and will be here if you need anything…..sorry I’m such a crybaby asshole.
cole: goodnight! I do and will always love you!!
me: thanks gnite.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

*Negative things he says about Jolene*

  • She wears way too much make-up and looks very plastic when she does
  • She is addicted to online shopping and has everything in the SkyMall magazine (LOL)
  • He doesn't like spending the night in her bed or sleeping all night with her.
  • She is all over him which makes him feel uncomfortable
  • He is only with her for financial gain
  • She is being possessive of him.
  • He doesn't like how her family gatherings are, they are too outlandish and would rather not be around her family
  • The one night at Majerles when he told me about getting her to invest in a money project with his buddy and himself, he made it sound like it was only about her money and I asked him what he would do in the meantime...he told me he was going to AVOID HER.
  • He told me that he feels only 50 percent genuine feelings for her, the other 50 are the allure of sneaking around to cheat with her.
I will add more as I remember them or when he as a new one. I wish this list was alot longer. Hopefully it will be soon.

The 180 Continues......

Wow, so after he left Sunday evening, he didn't even call when he reached his destination. Sigh. Why did I think he had changed.. I don't know...I thought he had come to his senses. Maybe I am like an addiction for him or some sort of conquest. He came here, got his fix and now he is okay again? Now he can go days without talking to me or if he does text me or call me, there is no mention of our weekend together and the conversation is not playful or sweet like it was the week prior. I know I didn't do anything to turn him off, he was quite turned on. Remember he said he loved me during sex, twice.  I don't get this man, at all!!! It's now Tuesday night, it's almost 10:30 pm and he has not texted me ONCE today. Exactly one week ago, we must have texted each other over 200+ text messages that day. Is he waiting for me to do something? I won't...I'm not. Everything I read in books and online say, DO NOT CHASE HIM!!! Do NOT let him know you want him. It's a game and I hate this fucking game. This stupid game leaves me feeling like crap!!!! Jolene can have him. He is not worth this agony. Gosh I feel like I am in flipping high school. I am 44 almost 45 years old and I am being treated like I am 16 with this man! Not only that I have been with him 17 years!!! Not 2 weeks, or 2 months. I don't get it. But I am not calling him. I am really good at that part. I just go to bed, and will think it over and over and over in my mind until I fall asleep...but my fingers won't dial. I am really good and not drunk dialing either, which is a good thing...because needy is not pretty. I wish I would just find someone else. I know this would be over in a second!!!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Recent Happenings

Welcome to my HisAffair Blog...seems therapy is way to expensive...so writing it down will have to do for now. I should start with history of what is going on in HisAffair...but there is so much on my mind right now, that I have to get it written down before I forget.

All names have been changed, not really to protect the innocent, cause God know there isn't anything innocent about these two people I am about to write about. But I will change the names anyway. So the main "player" in all this is named Cole, with the other female player we'll call "Jolene." You will see in this blog that I am deeply confused, and I go back and forth with my feelings about Cole. Some days I hate him, and then some days I am so in love with him that I don't know what to do with myself. I must be either a very understanding person, or I am simply crazy myself. Most of you who read this blog will wonder why I don't leave him, or tell him to stop calling me or to leave me alone...there will be times in this blog where I have those feelings.

You really have to read it all to understand what is going on here. So my significant other Cole has been cheating on me for the last year. He recently moved out of our house, for the third time. Here is the crazy thing, we LOVE each other...ALOT. But for whatever reasons this man has had commitment issues since the day I met him. We have been together almost 17 years, but never married. We have two children together, who are both female teenagers. I will share how they feel about this in the blog as well.

Okay so recent happenings without you really knowing any history...sorry, bear with me.

He's lying to her....it's crazy..crazy..crazy...but somehow I now feel like the other woman. He keeps telling me that he is not in love with her, nor is he serious with her. But I'm getting played, and I know it. They are sleeping together pretty regularly. No they aren't living together either. I decided that I can't take this shit anymore, so I have been trying to avoid him and his phone calls and texts and go have a life without him. I am still living in the house with my girls. I'm not seeing anyone, I guess I don't really feel like it. I have been out a lot lately. Going to the bar with girlfriends mostly. Sometimes drinking takes away this pain, but I am far from being an alcoholic and save the drinking to only social events, not for home.

So somewhere in my 3rd week of June 2010, I start getting texts from Cole. He wants to know if I have been on any dates? I don't really give him a whole lot of information. I ask him why he wants to know. He says he is just curious. It's really driving him crazy that he doesn't really know what I am doing. One night I went out, and accidentally sent him a text at midnight, meant for someone else...but he wanted to know so bad who that text was meant for. He wants to know if I have kissed anyone, wants to know if I have slept with anyone, wants to know my life. Funny how the tables turn. Before he left I was a mess of tears and crying over him all the time. In front of him, on the phone to him and making myself look pathetic and needy. I cried so much, like everyday for months. My eyes were so swollen all the time that I looked hideous. I'm actually a very pretty woman and have a ton of men who would like to date me. But my self esteem makes me feel like I look like a baboon in the zoo, the ugliest thing on the planet.

Back to the texting and calling...well I need to mention that he had gone out of town for awhile with one of my kids (the youngest)...which is a good thing...because sometimes I think that he likes that my youngest daughter will help him keep tabs on what I'm up to. I know that he hasn't completely shut the door on "us". However, when they went out of town...the other daughter and myself decided that we really didn't need to communicate all that much with him and we really didn't. I think his time away from me was good for the "relationship," if you want to call it that. This is the part when he began to actually miss me...a good 2 weeks away from me with pretty much no contact was starting to do the trick.  When he flew back in with my daughter, he came by the house to drop her off. When he looked at me he had tears in his eyes. I have seen these tears quite often lately in him. It's so weird. I try to analyze what they mean. Is he grieving because the relationship is over. Is he sad because he really does want to be with me, but for whatever reasons he feels he can't right now. It's driving me crazy!!! So as he was leaving, he avoided eye contact and just walked out the door. He didn't even say goodbye.  I was still kind of standing by the front door...not so much in shock, just surprise that he couldn't even give out a friendly "bye", when all of a sudden he comes back into the house and grabs me and hugs me with tears streaming down his face. He goes upstairs to grab something he forgot and after he comes back down he grabs me one more time and gives out a huge bear hug. If that isn't confusing, I don't know what is.

So after that I started getting these texts about how much he misses me. He starts bringing up things that he misses about me that I always thought he didn't like. He tells me that he will always love me and that I need to understand that this situation is not about his choice between her or I, it's about him. It's about his insecurities and how he feels like a failure for losing his 6 figure income job. How he feels like he isn't providing for his family that way he wants to. It's about how I rejected him on several occasions when it came to sex. It's about how he felt being rejected by me. It's about finding himself. This is probably why I don't go completely away from him. I am trying to understand this man, because I do love him. I just don't get how he can get so emotionally wrapped up in this other woman. For whatever reasons, she is fulfilling a need he has and I know that it sounds like sex, but it's really not. It's so much more than that. This woman is 21 years older than him. Lets just say she just became eligible to collect social security and medicare will be on the horizon in about 3 years. I know, ewww. So this is why I say it's much more than that. Well ya, she isn't your typical 62 year old. She has paid pretty well for her plastic surgery. Oh and did I mention she is worth millions? Ya think Krystle Carrington. (Dynasty old tv show)

On Friday evening, I went out for a little while. I got a little drunk, and I don't remember but I might have drunk texted him. However, he was already texting me before I went out that night, so it was more like a late reply. When I got home he texted me to "call him"...so I did. Somehow our conversation led to Jolene. Well I am sure I brought it up. He let me in on a secret. He told me that financially, she may help him achieve a goal of starting a business that is successful with her money. Wow really? I had so many thought running through my head. One, that he will pretty much sell his soul to the devil if he lets her invest in anything he ends up doing with his own business. I will never get rid of that lady if that happens. Two, doesn't this sound like the movie, "An Indecent Proposal?" Whatever. I got a little pissed off and in my drunken haze, told him I gotta go...and hung up on him. Two seconds later I get a text, "I didn't even get to say goodnight to you" and then the phone rang. I just let it ring and fell asleep.

The next morning, Saturday..I leave for work very early. I own my own business and was fully involved with what I was doing at about 8 am. I get another text from him, "what time did you go to work?" I ignored the text. 15 minutes later, "are you sleeping or ignoring me?" I again waited like an hour before replying. "I'm at work, what's up?" He says, "what time do you get off work?" I ask, "why?"...he says that he is just wondering. I finally cave a little and say "4", then he asks me why I am being so short with him this morning. I tell him that I really didn't like our conversation the night before about Jolene and him trying to tell me that he is now with her for her money. So out of the blue, he asks me if I would like to have a drink with him that evening. (At this time, he had flown out of town that same day he came home from his other trip, so this conversation was long distance) ...I say "seriously" and he says yes, and wants to know where and when. I told him to choose, that I was busy at work and he asked if he should come by my work when he flew in. He wasn't going to even let my girls know that he was in town until after we had gone to have a drink. This is crazy though, this man NEVER took me out alone to have a drink with just him. In 17 years we did everything with our kids, and nothing as a couple. I used to ask him all the time for date night, or nights out to go get a drink etc. but he never had time or I guess wanted to do that with me. So I am thinking, "what is up with this guy?"

Well I am trying not to act like a giddy schoolgirl, but I was so excited with this new attention he was giving me. Confusion was definitely taking over. So we go have our drink together...and I really tell myself, "do NOT bring up Jolene." I was really trying hard to enjoy our drinks together and really listen to him and enjoy the company. Well that and I love him so much...that I wanted it to be perfect. So much for that, I bring up Jolene near the end of our date. He kind of led me to it though, by mentioning something about this business he and another friend might start. This was perfect for me to bring her name up. After telling me again that she could be a very good financial backer on this project, he says that this is why he is still talking to her. But he also mentions that there are things about her that drive him crazy. Apparently she wears way too much makeup, she is addicted to online shopping, he is uncomfortable when sleeping in the same bed with her. He loves sex, but she is ALL OVER HIM, which he says he is uncomfortable with sometimes. He tells me this is why he leaves in the middle of the night after he has sex with her. I told him that he sounds like a gigolo at this point. He says that is what he feels like. I say, "so what will you do now?" and he says that he is going to try to avoid her.  Oh music to my ears!! We ended up going to a comedy show that same evening. Had a great time....Held hands on the way in, and on the way home in the car. Once we reached my home, our home...we both headed to the bedroom where it was extremely hot and heavy. He told me he loved me....twice. I haven't heard those words in 6 months out of his mouth. I fell asleep in his arms.  The next morning, we both woke up and he wandered down to the couch about 6:30 am. I said "where ya going?" and he just said that he wasn't sleepy anymore.  I got up, went in to the shower and when I came downstairs he was kind of dozing off on the couch. Okay...thought you weren't sleepy. It was Fathers Day...so the kids were still asleep and I had to work that day, so I ended up leaving and told him I would be back in a couple of hours, since I was going to make it a short day.

I noticed that his demeanor changed. He looked a little bit sullen?? Is that the right word?? I will have to look that one up. I don't know...he seemed a little reserved I guess. We ended up going to get ice cream with the kids...we went over to the mall (my idea) where I bought him a wallet, a belt, boxers and some cologne for Fathers Day.  We all came home and got into the pool. He was avoiding me. Not in a bad way, but so much for the hand holding and the I love you's. Not that he is a PDA person anyway....but it was just weird. I felt like he was regretting it maybe. Wow after a whole week of texting and getting along great, that it finally ended us up in bed and now he does a complete 360???

So I go up to shower after being in the pool, and I come out of the shower...and I can hear my girls in the downstairs shower, rinsing off bathing suits. So he thinks all of us are in showering...and I hear him in the kitchen on the phone with Jolene!! I almost shit. I am standing there trying to hear what is being said. All I can hear is him saying to her, "I am not going to have this argument with you right now!" and then trying to explain himself as to where he is at the moment and where he had been all night. I knew she was giving him shit and it wasn't a good thing for him. He was kind of angry. I have heard that tone with him before, when him and I have had our fights. He was pissed at her for getting mad at him for being with his girls on Fathers Day. Obviously she is jealous of me, and the fact that he didn't call her all night cause he was in my bed!! She didn't know that though.  Hmmm, guess the honeymoon is over. Woo Hoo...again I was so happy to hear that she was giving him a hard time. I contemplated on letting him know that I heard the conversation. I decided not to tell him what I had heard and went back upstairs. All I could think about was, "How DARE she get mad at him for being at OUR home, with OUR kids, and being a family with us!" SHE is the HOMEWRECKER that wrecked this all. Not saying she is 100% at fault but she didn't back off when she knew he was still living at home and him and I were having our problems about his affair with her. I want to beat this lady into the ground!

Later that evening he had to leave to fly back to this other city, where he is helping one of his friends run some jobs. It's really the only income he is getting right now, and it's better than nothing. He still hasn't gotten his own place, and I'm not really sure if he will follow through with it. As he left that night, I got two kisses right in front of the kids...so if he is screwing with my head, he is screwing with his daughters heads too. They know he came home and took mom out, took her for drinks and to the comedy store and then slept in moms bed...so I let him go, and prayed that if I just leave him alone to figure this out...it will work out the way I think it will work out.