Monday, July 12, 2010

Not doing so good today.....

I have been crying ALL day...My eyes look horrible. I am having a really really bad day.

Ya, so we are doing this no contact thing. I was getting my hopes up way to soon I think. For some reason, I thought he was just thinking about me all the time...and was hoping that he was doing some super soul searching about us as a couple and really see what he could be potentially losing. His family??!! I knew that Jolene was still in the picture, but I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe that he wasn't seeing her as much as I thought he was. I don't know...at any rate...I went out to dinner after work with some friends...and we were having such a great meal...when I decided to check Cole's email from my cell phone. I don't do it that often, but I am able to log in as him with his username and password that he doesn't know that I have.

So I see this email and it's from Jolene...they are pictures of them together. It looks like it was at some bar with friends and family with them. Someone must have jumped up to take their picture because it's just of them two with his arms around her, bear-hug style. Like he is behind her with his arms pulled clear around her and her hands holding onto his arm. They look like they are in love. I am ready to puke. I have already dry heaved a couple of times today and have ate nothing. Why is this affecting me so bad? You know what it is? It's the look in his eyes, the sparkle, the smile, so big and so happy. We took pictures last week (before the no contact) while on 4th of July with me and the kids and Cole and he didn't have that smile. He didn't even smile like that with his kids! He sure as hell didn't smile like that with me in the picture either. So upon seeing those pictures, I couldn't wait to get home. I was way drunk from my two Tipsy Turtles at dinner, and I just got on the phone and called him...and proceeded to break the no contact.

I wake him up...he is staying at his mothers house. I say to him, "how sweet that picture is of you and Jolene with your arms around her, you look like you're in love!!" so he says "it was just a picture", and I said "but no, you look really happy"...it went from bad to worse...I was so angry...I told him to forget the 3 mos no contact deal...that I didn't want to do it anymore that I would rather just break up for good and be done with this and quit telling myself that it was going to work in my favor in 3 mos. Who am I kidding here?? I honestly had this thing that in 3 mos he would get his shit together and figure out that he missed me and wanted me back and would come to me and beg for me to take him back. I watch way too many movies. "The Family Man" being one of them lately. He also told me that he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore...that was like a knife to the chest...and he also said that he and Jolene were going to stop trying to hide the fact that they are a couple and just be out in the open in front of friends, family etc. Doesn't sound like the 3 mos no contact was going to work out for me. I mentioned that to him and he said, "you don't know that.."

Anyway...so I scream at him to just forget about us, don't worry I will find someone else....I will never go back to him or back with him and that he blew it. I then proceeded to text Jolene and give her a little info on our last tryst we had over the 4th of July. 3 times we did it honey!! I said to her, and also mentioned how we were together over Fathers Day weekend. I knew it would backfire on me, but couldn't resist telling her to break up her little world of how great she thinks he is.

The next morning, which is today....I felt horrible. I for one, didn't sleep much...last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30 am and I wasn't able to sleep very well at all. I finally got up at 6 am and texted one of my good friends, who can't STAND Cole. I knew she would talk me out of feeling the way I do about him. And she did...we talked for almost 90 min. she kept saying, "why do you want a man that will do this to you??" "You have to love yourself so that you won't allow anyone to do this to you"....I agreed with her...and after our conversation I went and took a shower. When I came down from the shower, I couldn't help it. I called him. Stupid me. I wanted to know how his day was going (I am psycho)...he was not in a good mood. A little pissy more like it. He said "not good, you know how my day is going" Hmmm, so she got her text. I played stupid a little and said, "I didn't tell her that much" He says, "Oh I saw what you sent her, she fwd'ed it to me" Whatever....so now she is mad at him, and she should be. His whole world should just be turned upside down and stomped on. Do you know this man, was teary when he says "I'm just trying to make everybody happy?" You've got to be fucking kidding me. Really? How is it that you are making everyone happy. By messing with heads, playing head games...he needs help. I wanted him to TELL me to leave him alone. He won't...he says "he can't, cause he's not sure if that is what he wants". Boo Hoo...really??? Of course I cried alot during the conversation. It's so emotional for me because I feel like the sane one in all this...and I really think we do need counseling, but not with the other woman in the picture. He won't dump her either for whatever reason. Claims he likes her and enjoys her conversation. Oh and probably her Double D fake boobs too. So I did ask him if he wanted to try the going to 3 mos no contact again, and he said that I already broke it. Ya I did...crap. So I asked him where are we now?? He said he didn't know....he cried alot during all this. As usual, I did ALL the talking. I asked him again if he was in love with her and he still says NO. Then silence....and he says, I can try to let go of you. I said "really, is that what you want?" He didn't say yes, but he didn't say no...he just repeated...I will work on letting go of you. I am SOOOOOOOOO screwed up over this. Why can't I just erase my memories of him and be done. My eyes hurt sooo bad. I looke like I have an eye problem cause my eyes are so red. This really sucks and I really don't know what will happen now. Guess he goes to try to win Jolene back and I do nothing but sit in our home and wonder why he doesn't want his family back.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

What don't you get about "no contact"???

Sitting at home alone last night, I was sent several picture texts from Cole around 9pm. It's ironic that every time I start to blog about him, I get a text. After he sent me several pictures of our kids on their summer vacation up in his hometown...I finally decided to acknowledge his sending them by replying with a :) I left it at that and went to bed.
At 2:50 AM...I get another picture text. I also get one at 3:05 am. Apparently someone is having trouble sleeping. Could it be that I was on his mind? I think so...I haven't heard from him all day...well because we are supposed to be on the no contact agreement. I know he is going to cave, really soon. Just waiting...not sure what I will say to him.

I went to have a drink with one of my friends tonight, and she said something so perfect that I totally agree with. She said that when the dumpee decides to go to no contact with the dumper, it's because she really wants it to be over..and because he wants to continue to manipulate and control her, she can't get away from him without going to no contact with him. That is exactly what this is for me. I want to be done with him. Sure it does hurt, a lot...but he will never change and I will continue to go through my life not knowing if he is ever telling me the truth. There is still time to have a normal life with someone NORMAL!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Going to No Contact for 3 mos.

So apparently my breaking up with Cole didn't last long, otherwise I wouldn't be here writing this. The next morning after the break-up texting, I ended up having to call him about a particular incident going on at our home while he was out of town. He was really happy to hear from me...I could hear the smile on his face. I caved, again....I asked him if we could talk later in the evening. There were some things I needed to say. I apologized for being so mean in the texts. I told him that I was just confused, and hurt, angry, you name it. I told him that I really, really wanted to go to no contact with him...Just to sort out some things in my head and for him to figure out what he wants. I can't keep doing this flip flop thing, of him wanting me..then wanting her, wanting me, wanting her.

Things are getting heated between Cole and Jolene....she wants more of his time. She has asked him why he hasn't introduced her to his kids (fat chance of that ever happening lady)...why he didn't take her to a wedding he attended last week. Why doesn't he come stay with her, why, why, why....little does she know she is pushing him away from her. I'm kind of loving this behaviour of hers. Who's needy now B-yatch?? Oh ya, at one time she accused me of being needy. I love that the honeymoon is crashing down into tiny little pieces! With that in mind...I decided to pull away even more. I told him I want to go to 3 mos of no contact between him and I. No texting, no emailing, no phone calls, no seeing each other, no coming into our home, no helping out around the house for any reason....Stay completely away from me for 3 whole months! The only thing you can do is pull up, sit in your car and wait for your kids to come out or drop them off. At first I suggested 6 mos and he said "no" that it was too long. Whatever...so I agreed to 3 mos. I know he won't be able to go 3 mos without some sort of texting me, I miss you or something stupid.

I am now on day 2...can't say I miss him yet. Yes I am totally thinking about him, but not in a missing him kind of way. I really don't know what I am feeling. I guess confusion is still in my mind. I am wondering if he is thinking about me at all? (OMG!! just now received a text) it was just him sending a picture of one of my kids to me. (They are all out of town right now). Well crap...how is that no contact? I am not responding. He is not living up to the 3 mos of no contact. I warned him not to contact me in any way....it's only day 2 for crying out loud!!!

Ugh...okay so back to my feelings. This is what makes me crazy. I want to be left alone for awhile. I want to sort out who I am, and what I want. Do I want someone who cheats on me, and lies to me, and then tells me he loves me and misses me, and then goes running to spend the night with his affair partner. NOOOOOOO!!! I want to be done. I don't want to do this anymore. (just got another picture text from him, apparently he really does not get it).