Ugh, this man CONFUSES ME!!!

So I hadn't heard from 'Cole in at least 6 weeks. He avoided me like crazy. Didn't call or talk to me...and then one weekend he came home from working out of town...saw me in the bedroom and gave me a HUGE hug and kiss. Weird. Then he just held onto me. He kept saying how he had been dreaming about me and that he missed me so much. Within a few days I noticed clothing coming back into the house and being hung up in his (our) closet. He began pulling stuff from Jolene's place and bringing it home. I didn't know how to react, although part of me got a bit excited, giddy if you will....I felt like, "Ya..finally...Cole and Jolene are breaking up!" But at the same time, I worried about my own relationship with Mark. I like him, maybe even in love with him. I don't want to hurt him, at all. Anyway...so the first night Cole came back, he tried to sleep with me. Dammit! WHY???!! He doesn't get it. Why does he think sex is what I want?? Why does he think that will fix things between us. Well I stood my ground. He didn't get any. We kissed for a little bit. It felt familiar. It wasn't bad...but I kept thinking about Mark.  I was mad at Cole for even thinking I would just get into bed with him. He says to me later on the next day, "I wish that you were sluttier"....Yeah, NO. Dude I will NEVER BE SLUTTIER. You are the slut!

And how does he even say this?? OMG. What a douchebag. Well he was here at the house all weekend. He told me that I should still get rid of the apartment and stay at the house. I'm going to. I will definitely save some money and fight for this house again. I don't need the apartment. It was fun...but the next time I leave this house, it's gonna be for good and my kids are going with me. It could be as soon as next month, three months, next year..I don't know. All I know is that right now, I am milking him as much as I can. And I'm happy to say...that I got $1900 out of Cole today for new rims and tires on my car. BAM! Now all I have to do is be nice to him, let him have his little affair partner...and let him hang out at his house. I literally have to put on the happy face...he wants to have his cake and eat it too?? Fine, I will too. I have my boyfriend Mark, the house, money when I want it...and I don't have to sleep with Cole (puke). 

Problem is...I do still have feelings for Cole. I don't know why. Call me crazy. It's such a weird thought. I think about him ALL the time...but when he is around me..I cringe. I can't stand to have him touch me. What is wrong with me??! I miss him soooo much, but at the same time...the minute he tries to hug me or want a kiss goodbye, I go back into this little shell. I think I do this partly because I know he is still with Jolene, and also that I don't want to cheat on Mark. My mind is conditioned to believe that he MUST be done with Jolene entirely, to even BEGIN TO TRY ANYTHING WITH ME in regards to getting me back. I don't know if he can get me back. I feel like I am the third person saying this, "I don't know if you can really ever get her back Cole, something died inside of her, for you."

Cole sat me down yesterday and this is what he said to me:

I LOVE YOU....I'VE TRIED HATING YOU...BUT I CAN'T SO THAT MUST BE LOVE
I CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH.
I WANT TO PROVIDE FOR YOU, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT
I MISS YOU, I MISS OUR HOME, I MISS OUR PETS, I MISS OUR KIDS
I MISS EVERYTHING

Yet where is he tonight? At Jolene's...I rest my case.

Wow, almost a year has gone by...Lots to update on.

I can't believe that it has been 10 months since my last blog post. I really should blog more often. It really is therapeutic in some ways. It's a good way to remind myself of how mental of a man he was.

So in my last post 10 months ago, I claimed that I was stupid. Well since then this girl has grown some balls. I never did hook up with Rob. My mind really just wasn't ready to have a relationship. Not only that, I really wasn't interested in seeing someone long distance. I did meet someone while at work. He was a customer that came into my business. At the time, Cole and I were and had been still "off"..Not a couple, not back together. I was probably still pretty much Debbie Doormat though cause I was allowing him to just come over whenever he felt like it and hang out with the kids. The last time in May where I mentioned that we had slept together, was our LAST time. I was strong enough to cut that off completely. I was stupid about letting him step over that boundary. He was getting sex from 2 different women on a regular basis, that is pretty flipping stupid...On my part.
  
Anyway, so I meet this guy...younger guy and we just have this casual chit chat conversation about relationships and it turns out that his wife had cheated on him and left him. They had been separated for about 4 months I guess when we met. He asked me if I would like to go meet up with some of his friends and play trivia at the bar a few doors down from my business. I said 'sure'...I thought it sounded like fun since I LOVE trivia games. I had absolutely no attraction to this guy right off the bat. I honestly thought it would just be a group of friends hanging out playing a game, so I waited about a week and I went. I ended up going to a couple of nights out. Trivia at the bar was only on Thursday nights, so I would either go right after work or go home, feed the girls and then go back up to play. It only lasted about 2 hours then I would go home.

So I'm trying to sort of summarize up to where I am now in March of 2012...but let's just say that the invitation to trivia turned into my seeing this guy and dating this guy and sleeping with this guy. How's that for in a nutshell?  I think one of our first dates was that he invited me to a wedding, so I went as his date. We didn't sleep together probably for at least 2 months. It did start to turn serious. I think that I was so emotionally drained by Cole, that I was like a starving kitten. I lapped up the flattery,  he would tell me how beautiful I was, he respected me, admired me, he just loved everything about me. I got flowers all the time for no reason, we went to movies, dinner, concerts, trivia, BBQ's, the fair and so much more. We had a lot in common and enjoyed each other company. It wasn't about sex at all. Part of me was worried about my betraying Cole now. Well let me see how I justified it. I wasn't married to Cole, he never wanted to marry me. He left me to be with another woman a year and half prior. He had more than one chance give to him to come back and make it right, and always fucked that up. He always chose Jolene over me when I would ask him if he had to make a decision right now who would he pick. Hmm, what else? Oh where he told me that he could NEVER be faithful to me. He also told me to "go do my thing" and that he was gonna "do his thing" and that he did not answer to me, nor was I his keeper. I think that pretty much gave me the go ahead to see who I wanted to see. So I started seeing Mark.

It was shortly after I started seeing Mark that Cole started to stalk me. Before I get into more of this craziness. I have to let on where I made a HUGE mistake in all this. I'm not sure if I had mentioned it before...but when I got my apartment...I did not leave all the way out of our home. The problem is that Cole works out of town most of the week, so leaving the home would have left it empty...with dogs in the backyard...some expensive electronics just sitting inside...food in the fridge...and basically a home that nobody lives in. So I come up with this grand idea to stay in the house during the week with the kids while Cole is out of town working..and then when he comes back on the weekends...he can stay in the house with the kids..and I will go off to my apartment and have my own private life and relationship with Mark. Lets just say that didn't work out so much. It worked up until New Years Eve. Cole had been telling me all year long that I could have the house, that it was stupid of me to keep paying rent at an apartment and that he was never in town anyway, so that I should just move back to the house entirely. I was in the transition of doing that...but my lease on my apartment was not over till April of 2012.

 I don't think Cole really knew a whole lot of what was going on with Mark and I. He decided he would find out on his own. I guess I was expecting him to be nonchalant about the fact that I was seeing someone. I thought that is what he wanted, was for me to leave him alone and let him have his OW. He wasn't happy about it in the least bit. So back to the stalking...he would literally be sitting in a parking lot watching me kiss Mark goodbye or would show up at my apartment early like 5:30 am I think hoping to catch Mark there. I never let Mark spend the night with me, knowing that Cole was doing this. I was afraid of what would happen if the two ever met up. Well one night they did. Not at the apartment, but at trivia. Cole found out that I was at trivia with Mark and decided to come down and start trouble. He basically told Mark that he was no good, that he was still married (divorce was pending and I'm happy to report divorce is now final between Mark and his ex-wife..it never was an issue...she left him and never came back)....Cole was just being this super asshole. I was like, "wow...are you serious??" I'm really not sure what prompted this behavior but it looked like a green monster. Cole told Mark that he BETTER take the picture of himself with me, OFF of his facebook or else!! Cole said that he didn't need his kids seeing a picture of the two of us...wait a minute, what?? You're gone!! My kids don't or didn't care that I found someone else...they knew about Mark, they had met Mark...our picture on facebook was normal..Just two people smiling for the camera. Well Cole insisted that Mark take that picture down..so a few days later I just asked Mark to do it...just to keep the peace for me when I was around Cole.

I think that for Mark....that the months of June thru January were HELL for both of us. We broke up several times because Cole was just trying to sabotage us in whatever way he could find. Whether it be the stalking or the threat of throwing me and all my stuff out of the house for good. I was on such a roller coaster, still......Cole did not want me back. It wasn't like he was saying "Hey..lets make this work..I'll do anything just to get you back. Let me show you how much I want you back, Let me come home, Let's go to counseling"...None of that...All Cole wanted to do, was act like a jealous crazy person. I was trying to be "friends" with Cole...part of me still loved him and I thought maybe someday he would snap out of it and would want to go to counseling and figure things out. I reserved a tiny spot of hope for that to happen. I hadn't shut that door all the way.  But in the meantime, I just couldn't stop seeing Mark...I had finally met someone who knew how to treat women. I mean all the years of dating so many different men, I had never dated a "nice guy". I liked the bad boys...not the nice guys. Well age must have changed me, or it was probably Cole who did...but I was liking this nice guy. Poor Mark though. He has been through so much with me. All of my crazy emotions over Cole and this house and moving out and having our own time without crazy person bothering us. UGH...it has been a rough year.

In February of this year...the shit with Cole finally hit the fan. I had gone out with Mark on a Saturday night. I didn't report to anyone what I was doing. The kids (teenagers mind you ,who are now 16 and 15) were with Cole. He had been out of town for 2 weeks and I figured that Saturday night would be the perfect night for him to spend some quality time with his girls. SO I went out with Mark to celebrate his birthday with him. We took a cab to go out, and left my car at my apartment. When we left the bar at midnight, we came back to the apartment and the idea was that I was gonna let Mark stay the night in my apartment and that I was gonna take a cab home to my house..Keep in mind that I was pretty much back staying in the house and Cole was staying with Jolene when he was in town. She lives about 25 miles from our house. When Mark and I got back to the apartment, I didn't feel so good and thought I might get sick. We both went up to my apartment and I laid down on the bed to stop the feeling of sickness. I began to spin. I think I had way too many shots. So Mark kept telling me that I should probably get home...and just then a pounding came at my door. I knew who it was. Cole had finally caught Mark at my apartment. I don't know what I was thinking. I was thinking that Cole was going to be civil and calm, so I stupidly answered the door. Well as soon as I unlocked the door, Cole was in my apartment...He pushed me pretty hard out of the way and went after Mark. He struck Mark in the mouth with an open fist I guess. I know it wasn't a closed fist...then I tried to get in between and Cole pushed me down like a ragdoll into my bedside table. It was crazy. I then told Cole to knock it off or that I was gonna call the police and he threatened that if I did that, that he would yank everything I have ever had away from me. Well 3 months prior he started yanking things away anyway. He closed my bank account on me that I have had for 16 years...in a matter of minutes and without my consent. He had also told me back then to get all of my shit out of HIS house. So I had an idea of what kind of evil this man was. I started to go for the phone, and he again warned me. Well little did I know..that Mark had dialed 911 on his cell phone and then had let the phone sit on the bed while Cole continued to rant and rave what a horrible mother I was and how I should be home with my kids...blah blah blah. I continued to tell Cole..."I left my kids with you...did I get a phone call from you letting me know you were dropping them at their sisters house?" Well the ironic thing is that my 16 year old drives and has her own car. So they stayed at their sisters house (my daughter from first marriage) till 1 am...playing board games. Apparently Cole was disgusted after seeing Marks face book page via my oldest daughter who is a mutual face book friend and he left in a huff about 7 pm. and went back over to Jolenes house. Well my 15 year old called her father at 1:30 am to tell him that they just got home and that I was not at home. So Cole drove 25 miles from his woman's bed....or rather...his affair partners bed...to beat up the guy I'm dating. Go figure!!! A phone call would have worked buddy.

Needless to say, the police showed up...Cole was cuffed and arrested (first time ever at 43 years old) and spent the night in jail. He was let out the next day at 2 pm and since then has left me alone. It has been one month since that night. He doesn't call for NOTHING now. He doesn't even communicate with me about our children. He communicates with me, thru our children. How's that for childish. If there is something he wants me to know, he tells one of our teenagers. Oh and he told me that I had to be OUT OF HIS HOUSE by March 30th...well tomorrow is the 30th and I haven't done much on packing. I'm working on it, but I'm gonna take my sweet time. I lived with him for 17 years, and I have a lot of crap to go through and boxes to pack. 

The court hearing is on March 30th...tomorrow...I will update the blog if anything happens. I doubt anything will happen to him. I do hope they sentence him to counseling and maybe anger management. Ironically I watched the movie "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez...and saw some behavior in the male character that I could relate with. More of an update and then back on track...with my life in blog.

I am stupid :(

So I have really been working hard to move on with my life. The problem is, is that when I do this it brings Cole around. He is mental. I have come to understand this. He keeps showing up in weird places as if he is stalking me. I was parked at a diner at 8:30 on a Sunday morning...having breakfast with my grandson..when all of a sudden Cole shows up and sits down with us.  2 hours later he was booking a flight with Jolene and himself. I suppose she flew with him to stay with him for the week while he worked out of town.

This past weekend he came to our house and stayed with our kids while I flew out of town to visit some friends. The night before he left we went to dinner with our children and then I left and went to my apartment. At 5:30 am in the morning he shows up at my apartment, knocking on the door. He is sick!!! Stupid me lets him in and you know what happens after that. So I ended up going out of town. He took me to the airport and kissed me goodbye in front of our kids. The manipulation continues and no one is to blame but myself. I had him pick me up from the airport and then we went to lunch together...then back to our house.  We ended up sleeping together again. Later on he flew out of town again...and I found out that he was going to book a flight to go see Jolene, but at the last minute he changed it.

I need to stop this and I need to stop it now...for my own sanity. He is cake eating in a big way. I am not going to reveal to him any longer about the things I know. It doesn't do me any good. If anything I will use the information as a means to keep myself away from him knowing that he is cake eating.

The Weekend and The Argument

Since my move out on April 1, I have been trying to stay away from Cole. It really feels so much better for me when I don't have to see him or hear about how or what he is doing. It's hard when you have kids, because I know when he is calling my kids...and I try to block it out and go in another room. Just hearing that ring tone on my daughters cell phone can be a buzzkill for me.

Even though in a perfect world, I would like Cole back and for him to come crawling begging for forgiveness and to come back home and change, want counseling etc. I really don't think that is going to happen. I hold out somewhat though. I still think that the person he is now, is someone I don't know. There is someone who has been supporting me through some of this and who actually would be THE perfect husband/family man...and pretty much everything I want. We'll call him Rob. I am not using Rob...I do like talking to him...some days he sets me straight and back on the right road. He knows all about what is going on with Cole and I. Rob and I have not dated, nor have we been together intimately. I believe there was a quick kiss way back in Sept...when I was deeply hurt and confused by what is going on with Cole...I think at the time I was trying to sweep my feelings under a rug and not think about my life. Rob and I do not live in the same state. Some days I think that is really good, because I probably would be in my own affair...but other days I think that I would never do that until I am absolutely 100% done with Cole. Rob is single...there is no wife/girlfriend etc...

Anyway..Rob keeps asking me if he can come visit me...I said yes and then changed my mind and made up a story that Cole wasn't able to keep the kids this weekend. BUT...I made Cole think that I needed him to stay with the kids all weekend because Rob was coming into town. On Friday night, Cole did keep the kids at our home...while I stayed in my apartment. I didn't tell Cole that Rob really wasn't coming, I wanted him to think that I was busy with a new man. I heard absolutely nothing from Cole or kids all night Friday night. I got up Saturday morning and went to work all day. To be continued...

I have moved out!

Before I do anymore updating of this blog...I need to update real quickly.

I have moved out of our home. I moved out on April 1st, 2011. I couldn't take it anymore...I couldn't take coming home from work and finding Cole in our home, watching TV with our kids like it's no big deal.
I couldn't take his showing up unexpected. I couldn't take that while I am out of town with the kids that he helped himself to come inside our home and check on the dogs, grab whatever it was he needed without permission from myself. I felt like I had no way of keeping him away since we never married and my name was/is not on the mortgage. After 18 years of being with this person I feel like I have no rights whatsoever to keep him away from coming into the house. I have tried, it didn't work. I tried without getting bitchy or LOVEBUSTING him....didn't work...I decided that in order to have MY peace of mind, and my space and MY privacy...that I would go rent a 2 bedroom apartment and so I have.... (sigh)

Describing him to "T"

Just found this on the internet. I am amazed...this is Cole exactly!

NARCISSISTIC TRAITS



•Nothing will ever be his fault.

•He'll never be there for you. Ever. No matter what.

•He will always be the 'tragic' victim.

•He will never see you, your need, your love, your pain, your loneliness, your accomplishments. Everything will be about him.

•His way or the highway.

•He'll never, ever admit being wrong.

•He'll be angry with you every single day.

•Silent treatments and neglect can and do go on for several weeks at a time, especially if you point out one of his flaws.

•When you finally leave, he'll invent stories about you.

•While you do everything possible for your relationship; he'll do nothing.

•You'll start to feel like you are a 100-years-old.

Words out of HIS mouth....as he spoke them to me.

Just had to write some of this down...these were things said by Cole to myself.

• I don't know what I want.
• I need both of you in my life.
• I am so fucked up.
• I am emotionally exhausted.
• I do love you.
• I'm afraid of you.
• I don't have a problem being around you.
• I will always love you.
• You will always have a place in my heart.
• We don't have anything in common anyway.
• I don't like you.
• There are things about you that I despise.
• I resent you.
• I'm jealous of you.
• You think my coming around is just to see the kids, when it really has alot to do with you too.
• I really am the happiest when I am with all of you (my family).
• I'm a failure.
• You have a family (with tears rolling down his face).
• You know how I get when you corner me.
• No, I don't love her.
• I don't know what love is.
• I don't believe in Love or Relationships, it's a bunch of bullshit!
• At times I think I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
• It was a small setback (when busted at the airport with OW)
• I sincerely can't see myself without you in my life and continue to cry.
• I've opened the door to the scariest nightmare I can imagine, not having MY family!
• Don't be mad at me
• It really isn't about the sex (with OW)
• I really only crave the interaction and perfectly happy with just texts or phone conversation with her.
• She's just a friend.
• She boosts my self esteem.
• She really is the only friend I have.
• I just want to take my dog and run away up into the mountains.
• I thought I was doing better.
• I really want you all to be happy.
• It's about a feeling I get when I am around you.
• Your flowers cost more than hers.
• No, I don't remember if hers were red roses or not. (they were).
• All I have been trying to do is be nice and generous.
• Everyone is mad at me!
• All I'm getting is abuse (talking about emails sent to him from his family--myself and his daughters regarding the affair)
• When I fuck up the way I have, I honestly get physically sick.
• The hair stands up on the back of my neck when I see everyone on Facebook encourage you to go out and hook-up.
• I fucking hate Facebook.
• This is not about what you do though.
• Me coming up with bullshit to justify my actions is ridiculous!
• Maybe it's easier to start a new relationship with someone than it is to repair the old one.
• She doesn't like when I'm around you.
• I told her that you are the kids mother so of course you were going to be there.
• I know I haven't been there for you like I should have been in the past.
• I have been a terrible boyfriend.
• I don't know that I am in love with her.
• I won't have a miserable time (in Costa Rica) but I will be thinking about you guys the entire time!
• I think I get enjoyment out of her company.
• I really do connect with her on an intellectual level.
• Families require love.
• I think you are an incredible person.
• Believe me, I have been doing lots of soul searching.
• Telling someone you love them after sex, is a piss poor barometer of true feelings. It's an intimate setting and shit gets said, but it can be meaningless.
• I certainly didn't want to bring everyone down.
• I feel like I'm in limbo
• It's none of your business.
• It's not about you or her, it's about me.
• This is 100% my fault..
• The love I feel for her is different than the love I have for you.
• I would be sad if you were out of my life completely.
• Are you really willing to put up with my unfaithfulness because I don't think I could ever be faithful to you..
• I am depressed but I don't want to seek help, it's what keeps driving me to get myself out of debt.
• Once my financial situation is fixed, I will work on my personal life.
• I do love you, I just don't love the relationship we had.