So I will try to update this blog in 3 parts...this will be the first part.
Part 1
Sept. 2010 Labor Day weekend to be exact....Cole walked through my door with bags in hand and had just ended the affair with Jolene. He had been crying and did not come into my "open arms." In fact, he avoided the hell out of me. Days went by and I figured I would just leave him alone. Nothing I could do or say was going to help matters. I figured he was in withdrawal from his drug. I had read book after book about how to deal with this situation and those books told me that I would need to stay clear until the fog lifts. Fog started to somewhat lift by the 8th day after the breakup. Unfortunately, I think the only reason the fog lifted was because he started calling her again behind my back and shooting out a text here and there. Basically he was shooting up his heroin behind my back and it was making him happy, he was getting his fix.
I didn't tell him that I knew. I let it go...I bit my tongue...wow that really killed me. But my books kept saying, give him time to go through the withdrawal. It was probably during the 3rd week of his homecoming, that we really started to connect again. Because he works of state so much, we began to IM(instant message) each other via Skype. It was easier than texting each other on small phone keyboards. He would say "good morning!!" and I would send back happy faces and little emoticons. Ah, how I had waited for these moments to come back. He truly acted happy to talk to me. I was so overjoyed. Although I knew he was still texting HoBag...I didn't ever mention it. We were getting along great!! No fighting, fog was lifting, no mention of Jolene...life was good.
The rest of the week went pretty good...daily chit chats...rebuilding a connection. By Thursday of that week..I was feeling a little bit better about his coming home and decided to let him know that I would not be able to pick him up at the airport Friday night when he flew home from work. I explained that I had told a friend, months ago when we were apart that I would go to concert with her at the fair. He told me that it wasn't a big deal and that he would take a cab home. I went to the concert and had an awesome time with my friend, and was a little surprised that the concert ended earlier than I thought. I was still in such a good mood...that I decided to stop at the airport on the way home (since it really was right by where I was) and surprise Cole and pick him up at the airport afterall. Once I got to the airport, I realized I might have missed his plane coming in since I was 15 minutes late and his plane supposedly had already arrived. I kept calling my kids at home to see if he had arrived home already...My kids informed me that he had not. So I decided to wait and see if he might be on the next plane. Keep in mind that this whole time, I was NOT suspicious in the least bit. I did not instantly think he was up to no good. I believed in him once again, because he made the decision to come home to me and the kids. I thought to myself, "there is no way he would go to all that trouble to break up with Jolene and try to work it out between him and I if he really didn't want to." So I sat down in the waiting area and waited for the next plane to come in. If he wasn't on that plane then I would go home and try to figure out what happened to him. As I'm sitting there messing with my cell phone, I notice lots of people coming out of security. A plane has landed....I stay seated and wait to see if he is on that plane. I am really happy and excited to see him and surprise him. As I'm looking through the faces in the crowd, I spot Cole....with Jolene....coming through security....hand in hand. My first instinct was to jump up and run around the corner so that he cannot see me sitting there like an idiot waiting for him.
My heart is pounding a mile a minute...I have no idea what to do. I see them walk down into baggage claim, still holding hands. I decide to confront...and make this good. I run up behind them, and grab the back of Cole's hair, hard! I whip him around and he looks like some stranger just grabbed him from behind. The look in his eyes was fear! I said to him "What the fuck are you doing?" I was furious. He then grabbed me by both arms and proceeded to try to push me out of baggage claim to the outside area. I refused to have him hold onto me like that and I started getting louder and louder, "Let go of me!!" He finally released me and we started arguing about what he was doing with her! So as we are having it out, Jolene comes walking over and proceeds to get into it with me. She has the nerve to ask me what it "is" that I want with Cole? Are you kidding me?? I want you to stay the fuck away from my family....this lady has not conscience. She doesn't care one bit that she is hurting a family and the children involved. She only cares about herself and Cole only cares about himself....selfish!!!
Part 2:
At that point I flipped out on both of them standing there in their little affair world. I told Cole to go ahead and go home with 62 year old grandma. He looked like he was going to cry. I could tell he was in pain about what had just happened in the airport. I didn't care. He went ahead and went home with her and I went home to my kids. The minute I walked in the door, my kids faces went from happy and excited to see their dad, to "where's dad, why isn't he with you?" and then explaining to these 2 beautiful teenagers what just happened (God I am getting tears in my eyes recalling this and it was 6 mos ago!!) Anyway...they were both really upset and started crying. These girls were 14 and 15 at the time...then they both took their cell phones and sent their dad a text about how disappointed they were in him. I had nothing to do with it, other than telling them what had occured at the airport. My older daughter let me read his texts that he was sending, he says "I tried to work it out with your mother and it just wasnt working?" REALLY?? You tried?? WHEN??? You tried when 2 days after you came home you started texting the OW behind my back again. No you didn't try...you didn't try once. Don't convince yourself you tried when you never did.
So Sunday, 2 days after aiport incident....guess who texts me to ask if it's okay if he can come in the house to see the girls. Stupid me said yes (I was at work). I believe this is where I messed up, at this point...I should have changed the locks and kept him out from here on out. I wished I had done this..but I didn't...Read part 3...it gets worse.
Part 3:
On Monday, following airport day.....
I get a very remorseful email from Cole...
He says he wants to talk to me, says he screwed up...it was a small setback..that he really was happy with his decision. He wanted to talk to me!! Out of the whole affair, I have never had this man wanting to talk to ME! It was always ME wanting to talk to HIM. I didn't want to give him the time of day and shouldn't have...but the weak person in me...let him talk...and oh boy did he talk. He talked his way back home.
By the following weekend, he was back in our home. He had told me that he loves spending the holidays with his family...that he misses how I make the holidays special for our family and all the little things I do. I told him that Halloween would not be the same without him carving the pumpkins in the garage with the kids while I get candy ready for trick or treaters...and build our little cemetary that we put in the front yard with dry ice, a cauldron and cob webs all over the front door. (Halloween is my favorite holiday). We even had a halloween party planned to go to this year. We had a great time even though Cole was sick. At the party I didn't stick to his side, I let him go off with the men to BS and I hung with the hostess and then we went on a hay ride through the neighborhood and watched the kids trick or treat...it was fun.
Once we arrived home that night, I was shocked to hear the next words out of his mouth. He said he needed to go back over to Jolene's house to put her trash out for her while she was out of town. WHAT?? Okay wait a second, you need to do what?? and then WHY?? This is where I should have changed my mind about letting him come home. He said he told her he would and that he also wanted to grab some of his stuff. I said "whatever" and he went.
Somehow I knew things had not changed. All through November he was still talking to her. In fact...he wasn't only just talking to her...he hadn't told her that it was OVER between them! He actually told me that he couldn't end it with her "yet" because her brother was in the hospital "dying" and it just wouldn't be right to bring that on her while she was grieveing over her brother. At first I bought into that..."Ya you're right,that is horrible...okay so wait till her brother gets better or dies or what?? Then you'll tell her it's over??" That went on a few weeks, brother was still in the hospital...still in grave conditon...and Cole telling me "I still can't break it to her, but I will....soon" and then he says to me "Let me do it MY WAY okay?" Her brother ended up dying in December of 2011 and Cole never did end it with Jolene. In fact, after her brother passed away...then he said he couldn't end it with her because he needed to be there for her since her brother passed away.
We got through the rest of November...had a great Thanksgiving...
Got through December and Christmas. I remember Christmas being fun...watching my little grandson climb the mountain of presents. I tried to plan date nights with Cole, he was not really interested in doing anything with me. I'm sure he was seeing Jolene behind my back. New Years Eve the girls and I picked him up at the airport and we had kind of a boring New Years Eve night...I think he stayed up to midnight with us...but went to bed shortly after.
In January, well let's say mid January...I don't really remember anything bad happening with us....we just weren't moving forward because Jolene was still very much a part of him and in this "triangle" with us. I really didn't bring it up too much, trying to get our lives back to normal. Cole stayed in town this one particular week to attend a class here in our town for his job. He got up at 4:30 am and said he was going to the gym and then never came home...his class started at 8 am, so I felt like there was too big of a window of his missing in action to go to the gym that early and not start class till 8. I started calling him at 7 am...he never did answer his phone till about 7:45 am where upon he told me that he went to the gym on the other side of town near his class, showered and changed for his class then to class....Um, ya....I don't think so. I accused him of being with Jolene...well she lives right by the class location...how convenient...and he denied, denied, denied. That was the last time Cole was home. He never came back into our home. He never said one word to me, just never came back...well he came back to see the kids...but left his clothing here, his shoes...and just decided he had had enough of the accusations (which were probably spot on) and didn't want to live like this always having to report his whereabouts and he was done...end of story.
It is now April 18, 2011 and I have updated in this one particular post, up until now.
Cole and Jolene are "back on" as I knew they were anyway...who was I kidding by thinking he wanted his family back. It was a FALSE RECOVERY...I have since learned what that means. He went with her to Costa Rica and blew off myself and my girls on a Carnival Cruise that we went on only 1 week before Costa Rica...He had been invited to go and declined on both me and his girls, chose Costa Rica instead.
While he was in Costa Rica, I went and rented an apartment and started moving out...Cole was not happy about that...
No comments:
Post a Comment