So I hadn't heard from 'Cole in at least 6 weeks. He avoided me like crazy. Didn't call or talk to me...and then one weekend he came home from working out of town...saw me in the bedroom and gave me a HUGE hug and kiss. Weird. Then he just held onto me. He kept saying how he had been dreaming about me and that he missed me so much. Within a few days I noticed clothing coming back into the house and being hung up in his (our) closet. He began pulling stuff from Jolene's place and bringing it home. I didn't know how to react, although part of me got a bit excited, giddy if you will....I felt like, "Ya..finally...Cole and Jolene are breaking up!" But at the same time, I worried about my own relationship with Mark. I like him, maybe even in love with him. I don't want to hurt him, at all. Anyway...so the first night Cole came back, he tried to sleep with me. Dammit! WHY???!! He doesn't get it. Why does he think sex is what I want?? Why does he think that will fix things between us. Well I stood my ground. He didn't get any. We kissed for a little bit. It felt familiar. It wasn't bad...but I kept thinking about Mark. I was mad at Cole for even thinking I would just get into bed with him. He says to me later on the next day, "I wish that you were sluttier"....Yeah, NO. Dude I will NEVER BE SLUTTIER. You are the slut!
And how does he even say this?? OMG. What a douchebag. Well he was here at the house all weekend. He told me that I should still get rid of the apartment and stay at the house. I'm going to. I will definitely save some money and fight for this house again. I don't need the apartment. It was fun...but the next time I leave this house, it's gonna be for good and my kids are going with me. It could be as soon as next month, three months, next year..I don't know. All I know is that right now, I am milking him as much as I can. And I'm happy to say...that I got $1900 out of Cole today for new rims and tires on my car. BAM! Now all I have to do is be nice to him, let him have his little affair partner...and let him hang out at his house. I literally have to put on the happy face...he wants to have his cake and eat it too?? Fine, I will too. I have my boyfriend Mark, the house, money when I want it...and I don't have to sleep with Cole (puke).
Problem is...I do still have feelings for Cole. I don't know why. Call me crazy. It's such a weird thought. I think about him ALL the time...but when he is around me..I cringe. I can't stand to have him touch me. What is wrong with me??! I miss him soooo much, but at the same time...the minute he tries to hug me or want a kiss goodbye, I go back into this little shell. I think I do this partly because I know he is still with Jolene, and also that I don't want to cheat on Mark. My mind is conditioned to believe that he MUST be done with Jolene entirely, to even BEGIN TO TRY ANYTHING WITH ME in regards to getting me back. I don't know if he can get me back. I feel like I am the third person saying this, "I don't know if you can really ever get her back Cole, something died inside of her, for you."
Cole sat me down yesterday and this is what he said to me:
I LOVE YOU....I'VE TRIED HATING YOU...BUT I CAN'T SO THAT MUST BE LOVE
I CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH.
I WANT TO PROVIDE FOR YOU, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT
I MISS YOU, I MISS OUR HOME, I MISS OUR PETS, I MISS OUR KIDS
I MISS EVERYTHING
Yet where is he tonight? At Jolene's...I rest my case.