I have told myself to stop sleuthing anything more about Cole. It's almost like punishment to myself when I find out something...and it always hurts to the core. But there is something that I have found out and I am trying not to analyze it...but dammit, I am and at least I can blog about it and "oh well, who cares"....but I logged into his flower shop account that he uses to send flowers to whomever. It was pretty simple to figure out (he is so predictable)....I have had access to it since he met Jolene. I have seen every bouquet or flowers he has sent her along with the message on the card. And of course I see all the bouquets he has sent me in the last few years too. I have actually seen the orders before they are even delivered at times. I found it funny once (this was last year 2011) where he sent both myself and his affair partner flowers for Valentines Day. I bet the people at the florist shop where laughing their asses off at the stupidity of this man...but anyway....before they were even delivered...I had the opportunity to compare how he selected each arrangement and what he said on each card. I think it was at this time that I had that virtual slap in the face...when I saw that Jolene's flowers were called "Purest Passion" and were a mixture of red roses and white lily's and her card was signed..."Happy Valentines Day...I Love You...Love Cole" and MY flowers were Pink roses...and basically said...Have a good day...Love Cole.
Just recently as a few weeks ago, I made the mistake of going in again to see that he has sent her anniversary flowers. And on the card he writes, "3 years! Dinner tomorrow! Pick you up at 6:30!" Well this is where I begin to get mad. I was with this man for 18 years and NOT ONCE....NOT ONCE!!! Did I EVER ....get flowers to signify or celebrate the length of time we were together. NOT ONCE....did I get him asking or telling me that he was taking me to dinner and be ready by 6:30.....I washed this mans' dirty underwear, took care of his kids and his house, and made dinner and stayed up late most nights trying to get it all done. I just don't get it....I told one of my girlfriends about this the other day and she says'..."he's doing this...because he is in LOVE with her!" Wow...I feel like I've been thrown under a bus. Oh and to top it off, he also signified the 3 years of CHEATING...by sending 3 dozen red roses. However...I laugh my ass off....just a little...because I used to tell him that red roses were too easy. You open a website and the first page is splashed with red roses. How easy is it...to just pick one and fill out the forms and payment information and send it off. I find it funny that after I said that to him...I never got red roses again. I always got pretty elaborate arrangements after that....Never just because...mainly on Mothers Day and my birthday and always "from the kids"...but he is now sending HER the easy to order red roses...ha ha. Ironically though...it is my birthday tomorrow...and I have just seen an order go through that same flower shop. He has ordered 2 arrangements..and of course much bigger and better than HERS! for my birthday. He did NOT sign the card from himself though...only from the kids...I just find that so weird. I mean I get that my kids probably do want to get their mom something for her birthday...but what ex goes out and pays $235 for flowers.
Ah well...not to be analyzed anymore. I have to let him go. I have to.....He is IN LOVE...and he just needs to go BE IN LOVE. He has been trying to make small talk with me via text. Nothing really all that exciting...just asking me stuff about the house...telling me about my dog (my dog is with him right now as are my kids...spending a month out of town with him)...He is being cordial...civil to me. We have nothing else to say to each other. I wished him a HAPPY FATHERS DAY via text...he replied "thank you"...and that was it.
I have decided that once the kids have graduated high school that I am leaving for good. I suppose I could do that now...and the idea is constantly in my head. Why wait? I could have a very normal life if I just left. Writing this blog makes me want to do it sooner than later. I think I am scared to just GO. Getting the apartment was my getting my feet wet. I have done this in the past with my ex husband and a boyfriend, so why is it so hard to leave this one?! This ONE has treated me the worst...by far. He will argue that fact and say that he treated me like a Queen. Yeah right...Yes..you gave me everything I ever asked for when it came to material things...well maybe not everything...but you did do very well on that part. However...Your lack of LOVE...AND COMMUNICATION...and LOYALTY...AND EMOTIONAL CONNECTION does not get over looked just because you were a good provider. YOU SUCKED at emotionally connecting to me!
And someone that I talked to today...suggested that "Maybe he never loved you"...OUCH! But I think she was right. He just never did. He didn't pursue me when he met me...I pursued him. I was the one that walked up to him and introduced myself and said "let's dance"...he didn't go after me. In fact, he tried to dump me once and then didn't speak to me for 2 months after that...and I was the STUPID one that called him. Once I did that, he figured that I was after him...again..and that he could play me...again and he did and had for 18 years. Not really sure what was in it for him...but I am thinking "children"...he wanted children and the women he liked, were not suitable to be the type of mother he wanted for his kids...I was. Yet he was not in love with me. It's sad..but I am pretty sure it is the truth.