I am sitting at home on a Friday night, with a sick 14 year old. She has been running a high fever for 2 days now, she says she can't breathe out of her nose very well, feels like she might throw up and has a sore throat. The heat is broken in our house, so it's cold in here. I came home last Sunday to find that the heat was not turning itself off and going up higher and higher on the thermostat. When I called Cole to let him know it was not working, all he could say to me was "turn the breakers off." So I did.
So here we sit in a cold house with sick child while Cole is off in Costa Rica with his 63 year old "sugar mama" having a grand ol' time. We have 3 bathrooms in our house, where only 1 toilet is working. There is a leak in the roof in the master bedroom (dry now) but you can see the water stain. The ice maker in the freezer has seized up, the aquarium needs to be cleaned again and it's hard to lift and the pool pump is clogged up. Sounds like we live in a shack, but we live in a nice 2 story home. You would think we were white trash with how our home is falling apart...while Cole is sipping wine beach side with his heiress. Nice!!
Wanted to post this so that I can come back to it and remember what it was like the week he went to Costa Rica with her. Can't wait to leave him in the dust.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Written by a daughter, to her father
Costa Rica Dad? Are you kidding me? When were you planning on telling me? You can't even go on a cruise with YOUR daughters but you have no problem with going on vacation with your OLD hag. And if you are spending time with her family along with this little trip i will be so heartbroken you have no idea.This is strike 3 for me dad. I can not stand having you go behind my back and doing stuff like this. Why haven't you told me? Huh? You most likely won't even reply to this because you like to run from all your problems even when they happen to be with your daughter. Now i understand 100% why mom wants to move out, and honestly dad i can't wait. I always thought that since you worked out of town while we were younger you would want to come home and spend time with your daughters any time you could but no, instead you go to Costa Rica what the heck is up with that? I really wish you would open your eyes and realize what you are losing. You have a perfect home, 3 daughters that love you with everything they got even though you are crushing our hearts little by little, a grandson who needs a grandpa, you had a woman who would do anything for you and that loves you more then anything, a home, dogs, and you are finally getting back to where you want with work. So why are you throwing it all away for some cougar. I don't care how good of a person you say she is, because to me she is the most hideous, awful person that ever walked this planet. what kind of sick person would want to split up a family. I want you to be happy, but i will NEVER in a million billion years accept her. She has torn our family apart completely. Also, I hate hearing you blame mom for all of this, and blaming my decisions on her. What I say is what i say no one else, no one can put words in my mouth. All my decisions, and reasoning for all of this are 100% mine. not moms, not my sisters, no ones. everything has been based on YOUR actions. i wish you would really think about my sister and i for one minute through all of this. how much this is affecting us. but no, you are off in another island running from your problems instead of cleaning up your mess here first. isnt family supposed to come first? along with that you are breaking down one of the strongest most beautiful woman in my life. and it kills me that you would do such a thing to such an amazing mother. until youu have really thought this through dont worry about talking to me or seeing me. i honestly don't want to see you. im sick of the lying, and going behind MY back. you really need to set your priority's straight dad. you are supposed to be someone i look up to but i really have NO IDEA who you even are anymore. what happened to the fun loving guy that i called my daddy, the only person i look forward to seeing on the weekends, the only man who was never supposed to make me cry. i miss him more then anything right now, and i need him back in my life as soon as possible. i hope and pray every night that this nightmare will end but instead your lying makes it worse and worse each day. dont think for a second that i don't love you because i do more than anything.
and if that old stupid hag is reading this as well: first, i am extremely disappointed with you dad for letting that thing see this and second, i hope she knows how rotten of a person she is. i have never had so much hate towards one person.
please come around sooner or later, i miss my "dad" more then anything.
love T
and if that old stupid hag is reading this as well: first, i am extremely disappointed with you dad for letting that thing see this and second, i hope she knows how rotten of a person she is. i have never had so much hate towards one person.
please come around sooner or later, i miss my "dad" more then anything.
love T
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Some things just never change......
So I will try to update this blog in 3 parts...this will be the first part.
Part 1
Sept. 2010 Labor Day weekend to be exact....Cole walked through my door with bags in hand and had just ended the affair with Jolene. He had been crying and did not come into my "open arms." In fact, he avoided the hell out of me. Days went by and I figured I would just leave him alone. Nothing I could do or say was going to help matters. I figured he was in withdrawal from his drug. I had read book after book about how to deal with this situation and those books told me that I would need to stay clear until the fog lifts. Fog started to somewhat lift by the 8th day after the breakup. Unfortunately, I think the only reason the fog lifted was because he started calling her again behind my back and shooting out a text here and there. Basically he was shooting up his heroin behind my back and it was making him happy, he was getting his fix.
I didn't tell him that I knew. I let it go...I bit my tongue...wow that really killed me. But my books kept saying, give him time to go through the withdrawal. It was probably during the 3rd week of his homecoming, that we really started to connect again. Because he works of state so much, we began to IM(instant message) each other via Skype. It was easier than texting each other on small phone keyboards. He would say "good morning!!" and I would send back happy faces and little emoticons. Ah, how I had waited for these moments to come back. He truly acted happy to talk to me. I was so overjoyed. Although I knew he was still texting HoBag...I didn't ever mention it. We were getting along great!! No fighting, fog was lifting, no mention of Jolene...life was good.
The rest of the week went pretty good...daily chit chats...rebuilding a connection. By Thursday of that week..I was feeling a little bit better about his coming home and decided to let him know that I would not be able to pick him up at the airport Friday night when he flew home from work. I explained that I had told a friend, months ago when we were apart that I would go to concert with her at the fair. He told me that it wasn't a big deal and that he would take a cab home. I went to the concert and had an awesome time with my friend, and was a little surprised that the concert ended earlier than I thought. I was still in such a good mood...that I decided to stop at the airport on the way home (since it really was right by where I was) and surprise Cole and pick him up at the airport afterall. Once I got to the airport, I realized I might have missed his plane coming in since I was 15 minutes late and his plane supposedly had already arrived. I kept calling my kids at home to see if he had arrived home already...My kids informed me that he had not. So I decided to wait and see if he might be on the next plane. Keep in mind that this whole time, I was NOT suspicious in the least bit. I did not instantly think he was up to no good. I believed in him once again, because he made the decision to come home to me and the kids. I thought to myself, "there is no way he would go to all that trouble to break up with Jolene and try to work it out between him and I if he really didn't want to." So I sat down in the waiting area and waited for the next plane to come in. If he wasn't on that plane then I would go home and try to figure out what happened to him. As I'm sitting there messing with my cell phone, I notice lots of people coming out of security. A plane has landed....I stay seated and wait to see if he is on that plane. I am really happy and excited to see him and surprise him. As I'm looking through the faces in the crowd, I spot Cole....with Jolene....coming through security....hand in hand. My first instinct was to jump up and run around the corner so that he cannot see me sitting there like an idiot waiting for him.
My heart is pounding a mile a minute...I have no idea what to do. I see them walk down into baggage claim, still holding hands. I decide to confront...and make this good. I run up behind them, and grab the back of Cole's hair, hard! I whip him around and he looks like some stranger just grabbed him from behind. The look in his eyes was fear! I said to him "What the fuck are you doing?" I was furious. He then grabbed me by both arms and proceeded to try to push me out of baggage claim to the outside area. I refused to have him hold onto me like that and I started getting louder and louder, "Let go of me!!" He finally released me and we started arguing about what he was doing with her! So as we are having it out, Jolene comes walking over and proceeds to get into it with me. She has the nerve to ask me what it "is" that I want with Cole? Are you kidding me?? I want you to stay the fuck away from my family....this lady has not conscience. She doesn't care one bit that she is hurting a family and the children involved. She only cares about herself and Cole only cares about himself....selfish!!!
Part 2:
At that point I flipped out on both of them standing there in their little affair world. I told Cole to go ahead and go home with 62 year old grandma. He looked like he was going to cry. I could tell he was in pain about what had just happened in the airport. I didn't care. He went ahead and went home with her and I went home to my kids. The minute I walked in the door, my kids faces went from happy and excited to see their dad, to "where's dad, why isn't he with you?" and then explaining to these 2 beautiful teenagers what just happened (God I am getting tears in my eyes recalling this and it was 6 mos ago!!) Anyway...they were both really upset and started crying. These girls were 14 and 15 at the time...then they both took their cell phones and sent their dad a text about how disappointed they were in him. I had nothing to do with it, other than telling them what had occured at the airport. My older daughter let me read his texts that he was sending, he says "I tried to work it out with your mother and it just wasnt working?" REALLY?? You tried?? WHEN??? You tried when 2 days after you came home you started texting the OW behind my back again. No you didn't try...you didn't try once. Don't convince yourself you tried when you never did.
So Sunday, 2 days after aiport incident....guess who texts me to ask if it's okay if he can come in the house to see the girls. Stupid me said yes (I was at work). I believe this is where I messed up, at this point...I should have changed the locks and kept him out from here on out. I wished I had done this..but I didn't...Read part 3...it gets worse.
Part 3:
On Monday, following airport day.....
I get a very remorseful email from Cole...
He says he wants to talk to me, says he screwed up...it was a small setback..that he really was happy with his decision. He wanted to talk to me!! Out of the whole affair, I have never had this man wanting to talk to ME! It was always ME wanting to talk to HIM. I didn't want to give him the time of day and shouldn't have...but the weak person in me...let him talk...and oh boy did he talk. He talked his way back home.
By the following weekend, he was back in our home. He had told me that he loves spending the holidays with his family...that he misses how I make the holidays special for our family and all the little things I do. I told him that Halloween would not be the same without him carving the pumpkins in the garage with the kids while I get candy ready for trick or treaters...and build our little cemetary that we put in the front yard with dry ice, a cauldron and cob webs all over the front door. (Halloween is my favorite holiday). We even had a halloween party planned to go to this year. We had a great time even though Cole was sick. At the party I didn't stick to his side, I let him go off with the men to BS and I hung with the hostess and then we went on a hay ride through the neighborhood and watched the kids trick or treat...it was fun.
Once we arrived home that night, I was shocked to hear the next words out of his mouth. He said he needed to go back over to Jolene's house to put her trash out for her while she was out of town. WHAT?? Okay wait a second, you need to do what?? and then WHY?? This is where I should have changed my mind about letting him come home. He said he told her he would and that he also wanted to grab some of his stuff. I said "whatever" and he went.
Somehow I knew things had not changed. All through November he was still talking to her. In fact...he wasn't only just talking to her...he hadn't told her that it was OVER between them! He actually told me that he couldn't end it with her "yet" because her brother was in the hospital "dying" and it just wouldn't be right to bring that on her while she was grieveing over her brother. At first I bought into that..."Ya you're right,that is horrible...okay so wait till her brother gets better or dies or what?? Then you'll tell her it's over??" That went on a few weeks, brother was still in the hospital...still in grave conditon...and Cole telling me "I still can't break it to her, but I will....soon" and then he says to me "Let me do it MY WAY okay?" Her brother ended up dying in December of 2011 and Cole never did end it with Jolene. In fact, after her brother passed away...then he said he couldn't end it with her because he needed to be there for her since her brother passed away.
We got through the rest of November...had a great Thanksgiving...
Got through December and Christmas. I remember Christmas being fun...watching my little grandson climb the mountain of presents. I tried to plan date nights with Cole, he was not really interested in doing anything with me. I'm sure he was seeing Jolene behind my back. New Years Eve the girls and I picked him up at the airport and we had kind of a boring New Years Eve night...I think he stayed up to midnight with us...but went to bed shortly after.
In January, well let's say mid January...I don't really remember anything bad happening with us....we just weren't moving forward because Jolene was still very much a part of him and in this "triangle" with us. I really didn't bring it up too much, trying to get our lives back to normal. Cole stayed in town this one particular week to attend a class here in our town for his job. He got up at 4:30 am and said he was going to the gym and then never came home...his class started at 8 am, so I felt like there was too big of a window of his missing in action to go to the gym that early and not start class till 8. I started calling him at 7 am...he never did answer his phone till about 7:45 am where upon he told me that he went to the gym on the other side of town near his class, showered and changed for his class then to class....Um, ya....I don't think so. I accused him of being with Jolene...well she lives right by the class location...how convenient...and he denied, denied, denied. That was the last time Cole was home. He never came back into our home. He never said one word to me, just never came back...well he came back to see the kids...but left his clothing here, his shoes...and just decided he had had enough of the accusations (which were probably spot on) and didn't want to live like this always having to report his whereabouts and he was done...end of story.
It is now April 18, 2011 and I have updated in this one particular post, up until now.
Cole and Jolene are "back on" as I knew they were anyway...who was I kidding by thinking he wanted his family back. It was a FALSE RECOVERY...I have since learned what that means. He went with her to Costa Rica and blew off myself and my girls on a Carnival Cruise that we went on only 1 week before Costa Rica...He had been invited to go and declined on both me and his girls, chose Costa Rica instead.
While he was in Costa Rica, I went and rented an apartment and started moving out...Cole was not happy about that...
Part 1
Sept. 2010 Labor Day weekend to be exact....Cole walked through my door with bags in hand and had just ended the affair with Jolene. He had been crying and did not come into my "open arms." In fact, he avoided the hell out of me. Days went by and I figured I would just leave him alone. Nothing I could do or say was going to help matters. I figured he was in withdrawal from his drug. I had read book after book about how to deal with this situation and those books told me that I would need to stay clear until the fog lifts. Fog started to somewhat lift by the 8th day after the breakup. Unfortunately, I think the only reason the fog lifted was because he started calling her again behind my back and shooting out a text here and there. Basically he was shooting up his heroin behind my back and it was making him happy, he was getting his fix.
I didn't tell him that I knew. I let it go...I bit my tongue...wow that really killed me. But my books kept saying, give him time to go through the withdrawal. It was probably during the 3rd week of his homecoming, that we really started to connect again. Because he works of state so much, we began to IM(instant message) each other via Skype. It was easier than texting each other on small phone keyboards. He would say "good morning!!" and I would send back happy faces and little emoticons. Ah, how I had waited for these moments to come back. He truly acted happy to talk to me. I was so overjoyed. Although I knew he was still texting HoBag...I didn't ever mention it. We were getting along great!! No fighting, fog was lifting, no mention of Jolene...life was good.
The rest of the week went pretty good...daily chit chats...rebuilding a connection. By Thursday of that week..I was feeling a little bit better about his coming home and decided to let him know that I would not be able to pick him up at the airport Friday night when he flew home from work. I explained that I had told a friend, months ago when we were apart that I would go to concert with her at the fair. He told me that it wasn't a big deal and that he would take a cab home. I went to the concert and had an awesome time with my friend, and was a little surprised that the concert ended earlier than I thought. I was still in such a good mood...that I decided to stop at the airport on the way home (since it really was right by where I was) and surprise Cole and pick him up at the airport afterall. Once I got to the airport, I realized I might have missed his plane coming in since I was 15 minutes late and his plane supposedly had already arrived. I kept calling my kids at home to see if he had arrived home already...My kids informed me that he had not. So I decided to wait and see if he might be on the next plane. Keep in mind that this whole time, I was NOT suspicious in the least bit. I did not instantly think he was up to no good. I believed in him once again, because he made the decision to come home to me and the kids. I thought to myself, "there is no way he would go to all that trouble to break up with Jolene and try to work it out between him and I if he really didn't want to." So I sat down in the waiting area and waited for the next plane to come in. If he wasn't on that plane then I would go home and try to figure out what happened to him. As I'm sitting there messing with my cell phone, I notice lots of people coming out of security. A plane has landed....I stay seated and wait to see if he is on that plane. I am really happy and excited to see him and surprise him. As I'm looking through the faces in the crowd, I spot Cole....with Jolene....coming through security....hand in hand. My first instinct was to jump up and run around the corner so that he cannot see me sitting there like an idiot waiting for him.
My heart is pounding a mile a minute...I have no idea what to do. I see them walk down into baggage claim, still holding hands. I decide to confront...and make this good. I run up behind them, and grab the back of Cole's hair, hard! I whip him around and he looks like some stranger just grabbed him from behind. The look in his eyes was fear! I said to him "What the fuck are you doing?" I was furious. He then grabbed me by both arms and proceeded to try to push me out of baggage claim to the outside area. I refused to have him hold onto me like that and I started getting louder and louder, "Let go of me!!" He finally released me and we started arguing about what he was doing with her! So as we are having it out, Jolene comes walking over and proceeds to get into it with me. She has the nerve to ask me what it "is" that I want with Cole? Are you kidding me?? I want you to stay the fuck away from my family....this lady has not conscience. She doesn't care one bit that she is hurting a family and the children involved. She only cares about herself and Cole only cares about himself....selfish!!!
Part 2:
At that point I flipped out on both of them standing there in their little affair world. I told Cole to go ahead and go home with 62 year old grandma. He looked like he was going to cry. I could tell he was in pain about what had just happened in the airport. I didn't care. He went ahead and went home with her and I went home to my kids. The minute I walked in the door, my kids faces went from happy and excited to see their dad, to "where's dad, why isn't he with you?" and then explaining to these 2 beautiful teenagers what just happened (God I am getting tears in my eyes recalling this and it was 6 mos ago!!) Anyway...they were both really upset and started crying. These girls were 14 and 15 at the time...then they both took their cell phones and sent their dad a text about how disappointed they were in him. I had nothing to do with it, other than telling them what had occured at the airport. My older daughter let me read his texts that he was sending, he says "I tried to work it out with your mother and it just wasnt working?" REALLY?? You tried?? WHEN??? You tried when 2 days after you came home you started texting the OW behind my back again. No you didn't try...you didn't try once. Don't convince yourself you tried when you never did.
So Sunday, 2 days after aiport incident....guess who texts me to ask if it's okay if he can come in the house to see the girls. Stupid me said yes (I was at work). I believe this is where I messed up, at this point...I should have changed the locks and kept him out from here on out. I wished I had done this..but I didn't...Read part 3...it gets worse.
Part 3:
On Monday, following airport day.....
I get a very remorseful email from Cole...
He says he wants to talk to me, says he screwed up...it was a small setback..that he really was happy with his decision. He wanted to talk to me!! Out of the whole affair, I have never had this man wanting to talk to ME! It was always ME wanting to talk to HIM. I didn't want to give him the time of day and shouldn't have...but the weak person in me...let him talk...and oh boy did he talk. He talked his way back home.
By the following weekend, he was back in our home. He had told me that he loves spending the holidays with his family...that he misses how I make the holidays special for our family and all the little things I do. I told him that Halloween would not be the same without him carving the pumpkins in the garage with the kids while I get candy ready for trick or treaters...and build our little cemetary that we put in the front yard with dry ice, a cauldron and cob webs all over the front door. (Halloween is my favorite holiday). We even had a halloween party planned to go to this year. We had a great time even though Cole was sick. At the party I didn't stick to his side, I let him go off with the men to BS and I hung with the hostess and then we went on a hay ride through the neighborhood and watched the kids trick or treat...it was fun.
Once we arrived home that night, I was shocked to hear the next words out of his mouth. He said he needed to go back over to Jolene's house to put her trash out for her while she was out of town. WHAT?? Okay wait a second, you need to do what?? and then WHY?? This is where I should have changed my mind about letting him come home. He said he told her he would and that he also wanted to grab some of his stuff. I said "whatever" and he went.
Somehow I knew things had not changed. All through November he was still talking to her. In fact...he wasn't only just talking to her...he hadn't told her that it was OVER between them! He actually told me that he couldn't end it with her "yet" because her brother was in the hospital "dying" and it just wouldn't be right to bring that on her while she was grieveing over her brother. At first I bought into that..."Ya you're right,that is horrible...okay so wait till her brother gets better or dies or what?? Then you'll tell her it's over??" That went on a few weeks, brother was still in the hospital...still in grave conditon...and Cole telling me "I still can't break it to her, but I will....soon" and then he says to me "Let me do it MY WAY okay?" Her brother ended up dying in December of 2011 and Cole never did end it with Jolene. In fact, after her brother passed away...then he said he couldn't end it with her because he needed to be there for her since her brother passed away.
We got through the rest of November...had a great Thanksgiving...
Got through December and Christmas. I remember Christmas being fun...watching my little grandson climb the mountain of presents. I tried to plan date nights with Cole, he was not really interested in doing anything with me. I'm sure he was seeing Jolene behind my back. New Years Eve the girls and I picked him up at the airport and we had kind of a boring New Years Eve night...I think he stayed up to midnight with us...but went to bed shortly after.
In January, well let's say mid January...I don't really remember anything bad happening with us....we just weren't moving forward because Jolene was still very much a part of him and in this "triangle" with us. I really didn't bring it up too much, trying to get our lives back to normal. Cole stayed in town this one particular week to attend a class here in our town for his job. He got up at 4:30 am and said he was going to the gym and then never came home...his class started at 8 am, so I felt like there was too big of a window of his missing in action to go to the gym that early and not start class till 8. I started calling him at 7 am...he never did answer his phone till about 7:45 am where upon he told me that he went to the gym on the other side of town near his class, showered and changed for his class then to class....Um, ya....I don't think so. I accused him of being with Jolene...well she lives right by the class location...how convenient...and he denied, denied, denied. That was the last time Cole was home. He never came back into our home. He never said one word to me, just never came back...well he came back to see the kids...but left his clothing here, his shoes...and just decided he had had enough of the accusations (which were probably spot on) and didn't want to live like this always having to report his whereabouts and he was done...end of story.
It is now April 18, 2011 and I have updated in this one particular post, up until now.
Cole and Jolene are "back on" as I knew they were anyway...who was I kidding by thinking he wanted his family back. It was a FALSE RECOVERY...I have since learned what that means. He went with her to Costa Rica and blew off myself and my girls on a Carnival Cruise that we went on only 1 week before Costa Rica...He had been invited to go and declined on both me and his girls, chose Costa Rica instead.
While he was in Costa Rica, I went and rented an apartment and started moving out...Cole was not happy about that...
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wow, some big changes...but not really for the better (sigh)
Well unfortunately I did not keep up my blog writing like I had planned. A few months have gone by and some things have changed. I will start off by saying, that Cole is back home....came home on his own pretty much. Is it back to the way I had wanted it to be, no...not by any means. Do I think he is still pining away for his affair partner, Jolene? Yes...I do....and I had to prove that to myself even though I told myself I would not check up on him. Let's go back a little to the time before he came home. I asked him repeatedly, "if you come back home, you will have to stop the Jolene thing..that means no more calls, no more texts, no more emails, no more communication." He told me he would, "IF" he made that decision to move back home...at the time we talked about this, he was still on the fence about what he wanted, her or me. We even sat at my work, alone and discussed the 'what if's' about if he came home as opposed to if he stayed with her...how would it be, how would it work etc. I knew back then, that trying to get as much information about how our relationship would have to go would be essential to me,.because I knew that if he did come home...he would clam up and never talk about us anymore..and I was right.
Let me say some things about Jolene that he has told me...apparently they were fighting..alot. Mostly over how he felt about me. One night she had asked him if he was planning on coming home and he didn't answer her right away and she just jumped all over him saying "why the hell would you even think about going back?"..and then when he said "did I say that I was going back?" it just escalated into a much bigger fight. He had told me that she drank 6 beers to his 1, was pretty drunk and once the fight got going (in a restaurant of all places) that he told the bartender to bring him 2 more Crowns...guess the honeymoon was over that night. They took the fight home where he accidentally called her by my name...guess that didn't go over to well with her. At that time, he was stuck staying at her home. She had picked him up at the airport that weekend, and so he had no vehicle to drive (other than hers) and she was 30 miles from where I live with his children...so he said he just went to bed. There was another weekend where he let me pick him up from the airport, which was kind of out of the blue (being as though Jolene thought she had rights to picking him up every weekend and his staying with her)...and on that weekend, we ended up going to dinner with the kids and then he had me drop him off at one of his buddies houses to spend the night over there...at that time, he still wasn't ready to come home.
Let me say some things about Jolene that he has told me...apparently they were fighting..alot. Mostly over how he felt about me. One night she had asked him if he was planning on coming home and he didn't answer her right away and she just jumped all over him saying "why the hell would you even think about going back?"..and then when he said "did I say that I was going back?" it just escalated into a much bigger fight. He had told me that she drank 6 beers to his 1, was pretty drunk and once the fight got going (in a restaurant of all places) that he told the bartender to bring him 2 more Crowns...guess the honeymoon was over that night. They took the fight home where he accidentally called her by my name...guess that didn't go over to well with her. At that time, he was stuck staying at her home. She had picked him up at the airport that weekend, and so he had no vehicle to drive (other than hers) and she was 30 miles from where I live with his children...so he said he just went to bed. There was another weekend where he let me pick him up from the airport, which was kind of out of the blue (being as though Jolene thought she had rights to picking him up every weekend and his staying with her)...and on that weekend, we ended up going to dinner with the kids and then he had me drop him off at one of his buddies houses to spend the night over there...at that time, he still wasn't ready to come home.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Not doing so good today.....
I have been crying ALL day...My eyes look horrible. I am having a really really bad day.
Ya, so we are doing this no contact thing. I was getting my hopes up way to soon I think. For some reason, I thought he was just thinking about me all the time...and was hoping that he was doing some super soul searching about us as a couple and really see what he could be potentially losing. His family??!! I knew that Jolene was still in the picture, but I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe that he wasn't seeing her as much as I thought he was. I don't know...at any rate...I went out to dinner after work with some friends...and we were having such a great meal...when I decided to check Cole's email from my cell phone. I don't do it that often, but I am able to log in as him with his username and password that he doesn't know that I have.
So I see this email and it's from Jolene...they are pictures of them together. It looks like it was at some bar with friends and family with them. Someone must have jumped up to take their picture because it's just of them two with his arms around her, bear-hug style. Like he is behind her with his arms pulled clear around her and her hands holding onto his arm. They look like they are in love. I am ready to puke. I have already dry heaved a couple of times today and have ate nothing. Why is this affecting me so bad? You know what it is? It's the look in his eyes, the sparkle, the smile, so big and so happy. We took pictures last week (before the no contact) while on 4th of July with me and the kids and Cole and he didn't have that smile. He didn't even smile like that with his kids! He sure as hell didn't smile like that with me in the picture either. So upon seeing those pictures, I couldn't wait to get home. I was way drunk from my two Tipsy Turtles at dinner, and I just got on the phone and called him...and proceeded to break the no contact.
I wake him up...he is staying at his mothers house. I say to him, "how sweet that picture is of you and Jolene with your arms around her, you look like you're in love!!" so he says "it was just a picture", and I said "but no, you look really happy"...it went from bad to worse...I was so angry...I told him to forget the 3 mos no contact deal...that I didn't want to do it anymore that I would rather just break up for good and be done with this and quit telling myself that it was going to work in my favor in 3 mos. Who am I kidding here?? I honestly had this thing that in 3 mos he would get his shit together and figure out that he missed me and wanted me back and would come to me and beg for me to take him back. I watch way too many movies. "The Family Man" being one of them lately. He also told me that he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore...that was like a knife to the chest...and he also said that he and Jolene were going to stop trying to hide the fact that they are a couple and just be out in the open in front of friends, family etc. Doesn't sound like the 3 mos no contact was going to work out for me. I mentioned that to him and he said, "you don't know that.."
Anyway...so I scream at him to just forget about us, don't worry I will find someone else....I will never go back to him or back with him and that he blew it. I then proceeded to text Jolene and give her a little info on our last tryst we had over the 4th of July. 3 times we did it honey!! I said to her, and also mentioned how we were together over Fathers Day weekend. I knew it would backfire on me, but couldn't resist telling her to break up her little world of how great she thinks he is.
The next morning, which is today....I felt horrible. I for one, didn't sleep much...last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30 am and I wasn't able to sleep very well at all. I finally got up at 6 am and texted one of my good friends, who can't STAND Cole. I knew she would talk me out of feeling the way I do about him. And she did...we talked for almost 90 min. she kept saying, "why do you want a man that will do this to you??" "You have to love yourself so that you won't allow anyone to do this to you"....I agreed with her...and after our conversation I went and took a shower. When I came down from the shower, I couldn't help it. I called him. Stupid me. I wanted to know how his day was going (I am psycho)...he was not in a good mood. A little pissy more like it. He said "not good, you know how my day is going" Hmmm, so she got her text. I played stupid a little and said, "I didn't tell her that much" He says, "Oh I saw what you sent her, she fwd'ed it to me" Whatever....so now she is mad at him, and she should be. His whole world should just be turned upside down and stomped on. Do you know this man, was teary when he says "I'm just trying to make everybody happy?" You've got to be fucking kidding me. Really? How is it that you are making everyone happy. By messing with heads, playing head games...he needs help. I wanted him to TELL me to leave him alone. He won't...he says "he can't, cause he's not sure if that is what he wants". Boo Hoo...really??? Of course I cried alot during the conversation. It's so emotional for me because I feel like the sane one in all this...and I really think we do need counseling, but not with the other woman in the picture. He won't dump her either for whatever reason. Claims he likes her and enjoys her conversation. Oh and probably her Double D fake boobs too. So I did ask him if he wanted to try the going to 3 mos no contact again, and he said that I already broke it. Ya I did...crap. So I asked him where are we now?? He said he didn't know....he cried alot during all this. As usual, I did ALL the talking. I asked him again if he was in love with her and he still says NO. Then silence....and he says, I can try to let go of you. I said "really, is that what you want?" He didn't say yes, but he didn't say no...he just repeated...I will work on letting go of you. I am SOOOOOOOOO screwed up over this. Why can't I just erase my memories of him and be done. My eyes hurt sooo bad. I looke like I have an eye problem cause my eyes are so red. This really sucks and I really don't know what will happen now. Guess he goes to try to win Jolene back and I do nothing but sit in our home and wonder why he doesn't want his family back.
Ya, so we are doing this no contact thing. I was getting my hopes up way to soon I think. For some reason, I thought he was just thinking about me all the time...and was hoping that he was doing some super soul searching about us as a couple and really see what he could be potentially losing. His family??!! I knew that Jolene was still in the picture, but I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe that he wasn't seeing her as much as I thought he was. I don't know...at any rate...I went out to dinner after work with some friends...and we were having such a great meal...when I decided to check Cole's email from my cell phone. I don't do it that often, but I am able to log in as him with his username and password that he doesn't know that I have.
So I see this email and it's from Jolene...they are pictures of them together. It looks like it was at some bar with friends and family with them. Someone must have jumped up to take their picture because it's just of them two with his arms around her, bear-hug style. Like he is behind her with his arms pulled clear around her and her hands holding onto his arm. They look like they are in love. I am ready to puke. I have already dry heaved a couple of times today and have ate nothing. Why is this affecting me so bad? You know what it is? It's the look in his eyes, the sparkle, the smile, so big and so happy. We took pictures last week (before the no contact) while on 4th of July with me and the kids and Cole and he didn't have that smile. He didn't even smile like that with his kids! He sure as hell didn't smile like that with me in the picture either. So upon seeing those pictures, I couldn't wait to get home. I was way drunk from my two Tipsy Turtles at dinner, and I just got on the phone and called him...and proceeded to break the no contact.
I wake him up...he is staying at his mothers house. I say to him, "how sweet that picture is of you and Jolene with your arms around her, you look like you're in love!!" so he says "it was just a picture", and I said "but no, you look really happy"...it went from bad to worse...I was so angry...I told him to forget the 3 mos no contact deal...that I didn't want to do it anymore that I would rather just break up for good and be done with this and quit telling myself that it was going to work in my favor in 3 mos. Who am I kidding here?? I honestly had this thing that in 3 mos he would get his shit together and figure out that he missed me and wanted me back and would come to me and beg for me to take him back. I watch way too many movies. "The Family Man" being one of them lately. He also told me that he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore...that was like a knife to the chest...and he also said that he and Jolene were going to stop trying to hide the fact that they are a couple and just be out in the open in front of friends, family etc. Doesn't sound like the 3 mos no contact was going to work out for me. I mentioned that to him and he said, "you don't know that.."
Anyway...so I scream at him to just forget about us, don't worry I will find someone else....I will never go back to him or back with him and that he blew it. I then proceeded to text Jolene and give her a little info on our last tryst we had over the 4th of July. 3 times we did it honey!! I said to her, and also mentioned how we were together over Fathers Day weekend. I knew it would backfire on me, but couldn't resist telling her to break up her little world of how great she thinks he is.
The next morning, which is today....I felt horrible. I for one, didn't sleep much...last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30 am and I wasn't able to sleep very well at all. I finally got up at 6 am and texted one of my good friends, who can't STAND Cole. I knew she would talk me out of feeling the way I do about him. And she did...we talked for almost 90 min. she kept saying, "why do you want a man that will do this to you??" "You have to love yourself so that you won't allow anyone to do this to you"....I agreed with her...and after our conversation I went and took a shower. When I came down from the shower, I couldn't help it. I called him. Stupid me. I wanted to know how his day was going (I am psycho)...he was not in a good mood. A little pissy more like it. He said "not good, you know how my day is going" Hmmm, so she got her text. I played stupid a little and said, "I didn't tell her that much" He says, "Oh I saw what you sent her, she fwd'ed it to me" Whatever....so now she is mad at him, and she should be. His whole world should just be turned upside down and stomped on. Do you know this man, was teary when he says "I'm just trying to make everybody happy?" You've got to be fucking kidding me. Really? How is it that you are making everyone happy. By messing with heads, playing head games...he needs help. I wanted him to TELL me to leave him alone. He won't...he says "he can't, cause he's not sure if that is what he wants". Boo Hoo...really??? Of course I cried alot during the conversation. It's so emotional for me because I feel like the sane one in all this...and I really think we do need counseling, but not with the other woman in the picture. He won't dump her either for whatever reason. Claims he likes her and enjoys her conversation. Oh and probably her Double D fake boobs too. So I did ask him if he wanted to try the going to 3 mos no contact again, and he said that I already broke it. Ya I did...crap. So I asked him where are we now?? He said he didn't know....he cried alot during all this. As usual, I did ALL the talking. I asked him again if he was in love with her and he still says NO. Then silence....and he says, I can try to let go of you. I said "really, is that what you want?" He didn't say yes, but he didn't say no...he just repeated...I will work on letting go of you. I am SOOOOOOOOO screwed up over this. Why can't I just erase my memories of him and be done. My eyes hurt sooo bad. I looke like I have an eye problem cause my eyes are so red. This really sucks and I really don't know what will happen now. Guess he goes to try to win Jolene back and I do nothing but sit in our home and wonder why he doesn't want his family back.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
What don't you get about "no contact"???
Sitting at home alone last night, I was sent several picture texts from Cole around 9pm. It's ironic that every time I start to blog about him, I get a text. After he sent me several pictures of our kids on their summer vacation up in his hometown...I finally decided to acknowledge his sending them by replying with a :) I left it at that and went to bed.
At 2:50 AM...I get another picture text. I also get one at 3:05 am. Apparently someone is having trouble sleeping. Could it be that I was on his mind? I think so...I haven't heard from him all day...well because we are supposed to be on the no contact agreement. I know he is going to cave, really soon. Just waiting...not sure what I will say to him.
I went to have a drink with one of my friends tonight, and she said something so perfect that I totally agree with. She said that when the dumpee decides to go to no contact with the dumper, it's because she really wants it to be over..and because he wants to continue to manipulate and control her, she can't get away from him without going to no contact with him. That is exactly what this is for me. I want to be done with him. Sure it does hurt, a lot...but he will never change and I will continue to go through my life not knowing if he is ever telling me the truth. There is still time to have a normal life with someone NORMAL!!!!!!
At 2:50 AM...I get another picture text. I also get one at 3:05 am. Apparently someone is having trouble sleeping. Could it be that I was on his mind? I think so...I haven't heard from him all day...well because we are supposed to be on the no contact agreement. I know he is going to cave, really soon. Just waiting...not sure what I will say to him.
I went to have a drink with one of my friends tonight, and she said something so perfect that I totally agree with. She said that when the dumpee decides to go to no contact with the dumper, it's because she really wants it to be over..and because he wants to continue to manipulate and control her, she can't get away from him without going to no contact with him. That is exactly what this is for me. I want to be done with him. Sure it does hurt, a lot...but he will never change and I will continue to go through my life not knowing if he is ever telling me the truth. There is still time to have a normal life with someone NORMAL!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Going to No Contact for 3 mos.
So apparently my breaking up with Cole didn't last long, otherwise I wouldn't be here writing this. The next morning after the break-up texting, I ended up having to call him about a particular incident going on at our home while he was out of town. He was really happy to hear from me...I could hear the smile on his face. I caved, again....I asked him if we could talk later in the evening. There were some things I needed to say. I apologized for being so mean in the texts. I told him that I was just confused, and hurt, angry, you name it. I told him that I really, really wanted to go to no contact with him...Just to sort out some things in my head and for him to figure out what he wants. I can't keep doing this flip flop thing, of him wanting me..then wanting her, wanting me, wanting her.
Things are getting heated between Cole and Jolene....she wants more of his time. She has asked him why he hasn't introduced her to his kids (fat chance of that ever happening lady)...why he didn't take her to a wedding he attended last week. Why doesn't he come stay with her, why, why, why....little does she know she is pushing him away from her. I'm kind of loving this behaviour of hers. Who's needy now B-yatch?? Oh ya, at one time she accused me of being needy. I love that the honeymoon is crashing down into tiny little pieces! With that in mind...I decided to pull away even more. I told him I want to go to 3 mos of no contact between him and I. No texting, no emailing, no phone calls, no seeing each other, no coming into our home, no helping out around the house for any reason....Stay completely away from me for 3 whole months! The only thing you can do is pull up, sit in your car and wait for your kids to come out or drop them off. At first I suggested 6 mos and he said "no" that it was too long. Whatever...so I agreed to 3 mos. I know he won't be able to go 3 mos without some sort of texting me, I miss you or something stupid.
I am now on day 2...can't say I miss him yet. Yes I am totally thinking about him, but not in a missing him kind of way. I really don't know what I am feeling. I guess confusion is still in my mind. I am wondering if he is thinking about me at all? (OMG!! just now received a text) it was just him sending a picture of one of my kids to me. (They are all out of town right now). Well crap...how is that no contact? I am not responding. He is not living up to the 3 mos of no contact. I warned him not to contact me in any way....it's only day 2 for crying out loud!!!
Ugh...okay so back to my feelings. This is what makes me crazy. I want to be left alone for awhile. I want to sort out who I am, and what I want. Do I want someone who cheats on me, and lies to me, and then tells me he loves me and misses me, and then goes running to spend the night with his affair partner. NOOOOOOO!!! I want to be done. I don't want to do this anymore. (just got another picture text from him, apparently he really does not get it).
Things are getting heated between Cole and Jolene....she wants more of his time. She has asked him why he hasn't introduced her to his kids (fat chance of that ever happening lady)...why he didn't take her to a wedding he attended last week. Why doesn't he come stay with her, why, why, why....little does she know she is pushing him away from her. I'm kind of loving this behaviour of hers. Who's needy now B-yatch?? Oh ya, at one time she accused me of being needy. I love that the honeymoon is crashing down into tiny little pieces! With that in mind...I decided to pull away even more. I told him I want to go to 3 mos of no contact between him and I. No texting, no emailing, no phone calls, no seeing each other, no coming into our home, no helping out around the house for any reason....Stay completely away from me for 3 whole months! The only thing you can do is pull up, sit in your car and wait for your kids to come out or drop them off. At first I suggested 6 mos and he said "no" that it was too long. Whatever...so I agreed to 3 mos. I know he won't be able to go 3 mos without some sort of texting me, I miss you or something stupid.
I am now on day 2...can't say I miss him yet. Yes I am totally thinking about him, but not in a missing him kind of way. I really don't know what I am feeling. I guess confusion is still in my mind. I am wondering if he is thinking about me at all? (OMG!! just now received a text) it was just him sending a picture of one of my kids to me. (They are all out of town right now). Well crap...how is that no contact? I am not responding. He is not living up to the 3 mos of no contact. I warned him not to contact me in any way....it's only day 2 for crying out loud!!!
Ugh...okay so back to my feelings. This is what makes me crazy. I want to be left alone for awhile. I want to sort out who I am, and what I want. Do I want someone who cheats on me, and lies to me, and then tells me he loves me and misses me, and then goes running to spend the night with his affair partner. NOOOOOOO!!! I want to be done. I don't want to do this anymore. (just got another picture text from him, apparently he really does not get it).
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