Well unfortunately I did not keep up my blog writing like I had planned. A few months have gone by and some things have changed. I will start off by saying, that Cole is back home....came home on his own pretty much. Is it back to the way I had wanted it to be, no...not by any means. Do I think he is still pining away for his affair partner, Jolene? Yes...I do....and I had to prove that to myself even though I told myself I would not check up on him. Let's go back a little to the time before he came home. I asked him repeatedly, "if you come back home, you will have to stop the Jolene thing..that means no more calls, no more texts, no more emails, no more communication." He told me he would, "IF" he made that decision to move back home...at the time we talked about this, he was still on the fence about what he wanted, her or me. We even sat at my work, alone and discussed the 'what if's' about if he came home as opposed to if he stayed with her...how would it be, how would it work etc. I knew back then, that trying to get as much information about how our relationship would have to go would be essential to me,.because I knew that if he did come home...he would clam up and never talk about us anymore..and I was right.
Let me say some things about Jolene that he has told me...apparently they were fighting..alot. Mostly over how he felt about me. One night she had asked him if he was planning on coming home and he didn't answer her right away and she just jumped all over him saying "why the hell would you even think about going back?"..and then when he said "did I say that I was going back?" it just escalated into a much bigger fight. He had told me that she drank 6 beers to his 1, was pretty drunk and once the fight got going (in a restaurant of all places) that he told the bartender to bring him 2 more Crowns...guess the honeymoon was over that night. They took the fight home where he accidentally called her by my name...guess that didn't go over to well with her. At that time, he was stuck staying at her home. She had picked him up at the airport that weekend, and so he had no vehicle to drive (other than hers) and she was 30 miles from where I live with his children...so he said he just went to bed. There was another weekend where he let me pick him up from the airport, which was kind of out of the blue (being as though Jolene thought she had rights to picking him up every weekend and his staying with her)...and on that weekend, we ended up going to dinner with the kids and then he had me drop him off at one of his buddies houses to spend the night over there...at that time, he still wasn't ready to come home.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Not doing so good today.....
I have been crying ALL day...My eyes look horrible. I am having a really really bad day.
Ya, so we are doing this no contact thing. I was getting my hopes up way to soon I think. For some reason, I thought he was just thinking about me all the time...and was hoping that he was doing some super soul searching about us as a couple and really see what he could be potentially losing. His family??!! I knew that Jolene was still in the picture, but I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe that he wasn't seeing her as much as I thought he was. I don't know...at any rate...I went out to dinner after work with some friends...and we were having such a great meal...when I decided to check Cole's email from my cell phone. I don't do it that often, but I am able to log in as him with his username and password that he doesn't know that I have.
So I see this email and it's from Jolene...they are pictures of them together. It looks like it was at some bar with friends and family with them. Someone must have jumped up to take their picture because it's just of them two with his arms around her, bear-hug style. Like he is behind her with his arms pulled clear around her and her hands holding onto his arm. They look like they are in love. I am ready to puke. I have already dry heaved a couple of times today and have ate nothing. Why is this affecting me so bad? You know what it is? It's the look in his eyes, the sparkle, the smile, so big and so happy. We took pictures last week (before the no contact) while on 4th of July with me and the kids and Cole and he didn't have that smile. He didn't even smile like that with his kids! He sure as hell didn't smile like that with me in the picture either. So upon seeing those pictures, I couldn't wait to get home. I was way drunk from my two Tipsy Turtles at dinner, and I just got on the phone and called him...and proceeded to break the no contact.
I wake him up...he is staying at his mothers house. I say to him, "how sweet that picture is of you and Jolene with your arms around her, you look like you're in love!!" so he says "it was just a picture", and I said "but no, you look really happy"...it went from bad to worse...I was so angry...I told him to forget the 3 mos no contact deal...that I didn't want to do it anymore that I would rather just break up for good and be done with this and quit telling myself that it was going to work in my favor in 3 mos. Who am I kidding here?? I honestly had this thing that in 3 mos he would get his shit together and figure out that he missed me and wanted me back and would come to me and beg for me to take him back. I watch way too many movies. "The Family Man" being one of them lately. He also told me that he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore...that was like a knife to the chest...and he also said that he and Jolene were going to stop trying to hide the fact that they are a couple and just be out in the open in front of friends, family etc. Doesn't sound like the 3 mos no contact was going to work out for me. I mentioned that to him and he said, "you don't know that.."
Anyway...so I scream at him to just forget about us, don't worry I will find someone else....I will never go back to him or back with him and that he blew it. I then proceeded to text Jolene and give her a little info on our last tryst we had over the 4th of July. 3 times we did it honey!! I said to her, and also mentioned how we were together over Fathers Day weekend. I knew it would backfire on me, but couldn't resist telling her to break up her little world of how great she thinks he is.
The next morning, which is today....I felt horrible. I for one, didn't sleep much...last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30 am and I wasn't able to sleep very well at all. I finally got up at 6 am and texted one of my good friends, who can't STAND Cole. I knew she would talk me out of feeling the way I do about him. And she did...we talked for almost 90 min. she kept saying, "why do you want a man that will do this to you??" "You have to love yourself so that you won't allow anyone to do this to you"....I agreed with her...and after our conversation I went and took a shower. When I came down from the shower, I couldn't help it. I called him. Stupid me. I wanted to know how his day was going (I am psycho)...he was not in a good mood. A little pissy more like it. He said "not good, you know how my day is going" Hmmm, so she got her text. I played stupid a little and said, "I didn't tell her that much" He says, "Oh I saw what you sent her, she fwd'ed it to me" Whatever....so now she is mad at him, and she should be. His whole world should just be turned upside down and stomped on. Do you know this man, was teary when he says "I'm just trying to make everybody happy?" You've got to be fucking kidding me. Really? How is it that you are making everyone happy. By messing with heads, playing head games...he needs help. I wanted him to TELL me to leave him alone. He won't...he says "he can't, cause he's not sure if that is what he wants". Boo Hoo...really??? Of course I cried alot during the conversation. It's so emotional for me because I feel like the sane one in all this...and I really think we do need counseling, but not with the other woman in the picture. He won't dump her either for whatever reason. Claims he likes her and enjoys her conversation. Oh and probably her Double D fake boobs too. So I did ask him if he wanted to try the going to 3 mos no contact again, and he said that I already broke it. Ya I did...crap. So I asked him where are we now?? He said he didn't know....he cried alot during all this. As usual, I did ALL the talking. I asked him again if he was in love with her and he still says NO. Then silence....and he says, I can try to let go of you. I said "really, is that what you want?" He didn't say yes, but he didn't say no...he just repeated...I will work on letting go of you. I am SOOOOOOOOO screwed up over this. Why can't I just erase my memories of him and be done. My eyes hurt sooo bad. I looke like I have an eye problem cause my eyes are so red. This really sucks and I really don't know what will happen now. Guess he goes to try to win Jolene back and I do nothing but sit in our home and wonder why he doesn't want his family back.
Ya, so we are doing this no contact thing. I was getting my hopes up way to soon I think. For some reason, I thought he was just thinking about me all the time...and was hoping that he was doing some super soul searching about us as a couple and really see what he could be potentially losing. His family??!! I knew that Jolene was still in the picture, but I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe that he wasn't seeing her as much as I thought he was. I don't know...at any rate...I went out to dinner after work with some friends...and we were having such a great meal...when I decided to check Cole's email from my cell phone. I don't do it that often, but I am able to log in as him with his username and password that he doesn't know that I have.
So I see this email and it's from Jolene...they are pictures of them together. It looks like it was at some bar with friends and family with them. Someone must have jumped up to take their picture because it's just of them two with his arms around her, bear-hug style. Like he is behind her with his arms pulled clear around her and her hands holding onto his arm. They look like they are in love. I am ready to puke. I have already dry heaved a couple of times today and have ate nothing. Why is this affecting me so bad? You know what it is? It's the look in his eyes, the sparkle, the smile, so big and so happy. We took pictures last week (before the no contact) while on 4th of July with me and the kids and Cole and he didn't have that smile. He didn't even smile like that with his kids! He sure as hell didn't smile like that with me in the picture either. So upon seeing those pictures, I couldn't wait to get home. I was way drunk from my two Tipsy Turtles at dinner, and I just got on the phone and called him...and proceeded to break the no contact.
I wake him up...he is staying at his mothers house. I say to him, "how sweet that picture is of you and Jolene with your arms around her, you look like you're in love!!" so he says "it was just a picture", and I said "but no, you look really happy"...it went from bad to worse...I was so angry...I told him to forget the 3 mos no contact deal...that I didn't want to do it anymore that I would rather just break up for good and be done with this and quit telling myself that it was going to work in my favor in 3 mos. Who am I kidding here?? I honestly had this thing that in 3 mos he would get his shit together and figure out that he missed me and wanted me back and would come to me and beg for me to take him back. I watch way too many movies. "The Family Man" being one of them lately. He also told me that he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore...that was like a knife to the chest...and he also said that he and Jolene were going to stop trying to hide the fact that they are a couple and just be out in the open in front of friends, family etc. Doesn't sound like the 3 mos no contact was going to work out for me. I mentioned that to him and he said, "you don't know that.."
Anyway...so I scream at him to just forget about us, don't worry I will find someone else....I will never go back to him or back with him and that he blew it. I then proceeded to text Jolene and give her a little info on our last tryst we had over the 4th of July. 3 times we did it honey!! I said to her, and also mentioned how we were together over Fathers Day weekend. I knew it would backfire on me, but couldn't resist telling her to break up her little world of how great she thinks he is.
The next morning, which is today....I felt horrible. I for one, didn't sleep much...last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30 am and I wasn't able to sleep very well at all. I finally got up at 6 am and texted one of my good friends, who can't STAND Cole. I knew she would talk me out of feeling the way I do about him. And she did...we talked for almost 90 min. she kept saying, "why do you want a man that will do this to you??" "You have to love yourself so that you won't allow anyone to do this to you"....I agreed with her...and after our conversation I went and took a shower. When I came down from the shower, I couldn't help it. I called him. Stupid me. I wanted to know how his day was going (I am psycho)...he was not in a good mood. A little pissy more like it. He said "not good, you know how my day is going" Hmmm, so she got her text. I played stupid a little and said, "I didn't tell her that much" He says, "Oh I saw what you sent her, she fwd'ed it to me" Whatever....so now she is mad at him, and she should be. His whole world should just be turned upside down and stomped on. Do you know this man, was teary when he says "I'm just trying to make everybody happy?" You've got to be fucking kidding me. Really? How is it that you are making everyone happy. By messing with heads, playing head games...he needs help. I wanted him to TELL me to leave him alone. He won't...he says "he can't, cause he's not sure if that is what he wants". Boo Hoo...really??? Of course I cried alot during the conversation. It's so emotional for me because I feel like the sane one in all this...and I really think we do need counseling, but not with the other woman in the picture. He won't dump her either for whatever reason. Claims he likes her and enjoys her conversation. Oh and probably her Double D fake boobs too. So I did ask him if he wanted to try the going to 3 mos no contact again, and he said that I already broke it. Ya I did...crap. So I asked him where are we now?? He said he didn't know....he cried alot during all this. As usual, I did ALL the talking. I asked him again if he was in love with her and he still says NO. Then silence....and he says, I can try to let go of you. I said "really, is that what you want?" He didn't say yes, but he didn't say no...he just repeated...I will work on letting go of you. I am SOOOOOOOOO screwed up over this. Why can't I just erase my memories of him and be done. My eyes hurt sooo bad. I looke like I have an eye problem cause my eyes are so red. This really sucks and I really don't know what will happen now. Guess he goes to try to win Jolene back and I do nothing but sit in our home and wonder why he doesn't want his family back.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
What don't you get about "no contact"???
Sitting at home alone last night, I was sent several picture texts from Cole around 9pm. It's ironic that every time I start to blog about him, I get a text. After he sent me several pictures of our kids on their summer vacation up in his hometown...I finally decided to acknowledge his sending them by replying with a :) I left it at that and went to bed.
At 2:50 AM...I get another picture text. I also get one at 3:05 am. Apparently someone is having trouble sleeping. Could it be that I was on his mind? I think so...I haven't heard from him all day...well because we are supposed to be on the no contact agreement. I know he is going to cave, really soon. Just waiting...not sure what I will say to him.
I went to have a drink with one of my friends tonight, and she said something so perfect that I totally agree with. She said that when the dumpee decides to go to no contact with the dumper, it's because she really wants it to be over..and because he wants to continue to manipulate and control her, she can't get away from him without going to no contact with him. That is exactly what this is for me. I want to be done with him. Sure it does hurt, a lot...but he will never change and I will continue to go through my life not knowing if he is ever telling me the truth. There is still time to have a normal life with someone NORMAL!!!!!!
At 2:50 AM...I get another picture text. I also get one at 3:05 am. Apparently someone is having trouble sleeping. Could it be that I was on his mind? I think so...I haven't heard from him all day...well because we are supposed to be on the no contact agreement. I know he is going to cave, really soon. Just waiting...not sure what I will say to him.
I went to have a drink with one of my friends tonight, and she said something so perfect that I totally agree with. She said that when the dumpee decides to go to no contact with the dumper, it's because she really wants it to be over..and because he wants to continue to manipulate and control her, she can't get away from him without going to no contact with him. That is exactly what this is for me. I want to be done with him. Sure it does hurt, a lot...but he will never change and I will continue to go through my life not knowing if he is ever telling me the truth. There is still time to have a normal life with someone NORMAL!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Going to No Contact for 3 mos.
So apparently my breaking up with Cole didn't last long, otherwise I wouldn't be here writing this. The next morning after the break-up texting, I ended up having to call him about a particular incident going on at our home while he was out of town. He was really happy to hear from me...I could hear the smile on his face. I caved, again....I asked him if we could talk later in the evening. There were some things I needed to say. I apologized for being so mean in the texts. I told him that I was just confused, and hurt, angry, you name it. I told him that I really, really wanted to go to no contact with him...Just to sort out some things in my head and for him to figure out what he wants. I can't keep doing this flip flop thing, of him wanting me..then wanting her, wanting me, wanting her.
Things are getting heated between Cole and Jolene....she wants more of his time. She has asked him why he hasn't introduced her to his kids (fat chance of that ever happening lady)...why he didn't take her to a wedding he attended last week. Why doesn't he come stay with her, why, why, why....little does she know she is pushing him away from her. I'm kind of loving this behaviour of hers. Who's needy now B-yatch?? Oh ya, at one time she accused me of being needy. I love that the honeymoon is crashing down into tiny little pieces! With that in mind...I decided to pull away even more. I told him I want to go to 3 mos of no contact between him and I. No texting, no emailing, no phone calls, no seeing each other, no coming into our home, no helping out around the house for any reason....Stay completely away from me for 3 whole months! The only thing you can do is pull up, sit in your car and wait for your kids to come out or drop them off. At first I suggested 6 mos and he said "no" that it was too long. Whatever...so I agreed to 3 mos. I know he won't be able to go 3 mos without some sort of texting me, I miss you or something stupid.
I am now on day 2...can't say I miss him yet. Yes I am totally thinking about him, but not in a missing him kind of way. I really don't know what I am feeling. I guess confusion is still in my mind. I am wondering if he is thinking about me at all? (OMG!! just now received a text) it was just him sending a picture of one of my kids to me. (They are all out of town right now). Well crap...how is that no contact? I am not responding. He is not living up to the 3 mos of no contact. I warned him not to contact me in any way....it's only day 2 for crying out loud!!!
Ugh...okay so back to my feelings. This is what makes me crazy. I want to be left alone for awhile. I want to sort out who I am, and what I want. Do I want someone who cheats on me, and lies to me, and then tells me he loves me and misses me, and then goes running to spend the night with his affair partner. NOOOOOOO!!! I want to be done. I don't want to do this anymore. (just got another picture text from him, apparently he really does not get it).
Things are getting heated between Cole and Jolene....she wants more of his time. She has asked him why he hasn't introduced her to his kids (fat chance of that ever happening lady)...why he didn't take her to a wedding he attended last week. Why doesn't he come stay with her, why, why, why....little does she know she is pushing him away from her. I'm kind of loving this behaviour of hers. Who's needy now B-yatch?? Oh ya, at one time she accused me of being needy. I love that the honeymoon is crashing down into tiny little pieces! With that in mind...I decided to pull away even more. I told him I want to go to 3 mos of no contact between him and I. No texting, no emailing, no phone calls, no seeing each other, no coming into our home, no helping out around the house for any reason....Stay completely away from me for 3 whole months! The only thing you can do is pull up, sit in your car and wait for your kids to come out or drop them off. At first I suggested 6 mos and he said "no" that it was too long. Whatever...so I agreed to 3 mos. I know he won't be able to go 3 mos without some sort of texting me, I miss you or something stupid.
I am now on day 2...can't say I miss him yet. Yes I am totally thinking about him, but not in a missing him kind of way. I really don't know what I am feeling. I guess confusion is still in my mind. I am wondering if he is thinking about me at all? (OMG!! just now received a text) it was just him sending a picture of one of my kids to me. (They are all out of town right now). Well crap...how is that no contact? I am not responding. He is not living up to the 3 mos of no contact. I warned him not to contact me in any way....it's only day 2 for crying out loud!!!
Ugh...okay so back to my feelings. This is what makes me crazy. I want to be left alone for awhile. I want to sort out who I am, and what I want. Do I want someone who cheats on me, and lies to me, and then tells me he loves me and misses me, and then goes running to spend the night with his affair partner. NOOOOOOO!!! I want to be done. I don't want to do this anymore. (just got another picture text from him, apparently he really does not get it).
Friday, June 25, 2010
I broke up with him....via text....this is our transcript....
Cole: How was your day?
Cole: you mad at me about something?
me: no, just giving you the space you asked for.
cole :Oh, what does that mean? that I only get short answers? How was your workout?
Me: to do your thing with jolene
cole: I’m feeling like this is a one sided conversation.
Me: ?
cole: ?? I have those too.
me: did you see what I said?
cole: about the space?
me: Yes
cole: what thing?
me: U know, answering to her.
cole: are you breaking up with me?
Me: are we together?
cole: dating
Me: we are dating? LOL, really?
Cole: we went on one! Guess I don’t measure up L
Me: I heard you in the kitchen arguing.
cole: Yeah I was
me: You’re her little bitch boy.
Chad: OUCH!
me: yeah you were what, answering to her?
cole: answering or disagreeing?
me: About what? did she know we went out?
cole: About staying at the house and hanging out at the house.
me: she knew you slept in our bed?
cole: No
Me: did you lie to her and tell her u didn’t touch me?
me: be honest.
cole: I didn’t discuss it with her.
me: yes you did, I heard u.
cole: No, I didn’t
me: Then where did you tell her you slept?
me: and why won’t you say what u really did?
Cole: because I wasn’t in the mood for an argument. I was pretty content on sunday!
chad:I did say I slept on the couch, which technically I did in the morning after you went to work.
Me: technically, you f&^%$ the hell out of me and I fell asleep in your arms.
cole: Is that what we did?
Me: you don’t remember?
Me: why do you argue with her?
cole: I haven’t much, but she has started to get a bit possessive. and YES, I remember! I would put it in the top of all nights I’ve ever had.
Me: so are you her boyfriend? be honest?
cole: I don’t know what I am, maybe her toy?
Me: So are you gonna allow the possessiveness?
Cole: I don’t want to be a possession.
Me: You already are, hers.
me: She doesn’t want you around me?
cole: not really.
me: why doesn’t she want u around me.
cole: because she see’s you as a threat.
Me: why?
Me: Am I?
cole: Maybe you are!
Me: How?
cole: you don’t listen to anything I say do you? Or maybe you just don’t believe anything I say!
Me: I don’t believe u…at all…..I want off the rollercoaster and I’m leaving the amusement park!
Me: You like this, you FEED off this!!
Cole: I really don’t…it wears me out.
Me: well one of them is ending….for good. I can’t and not doing this….it’s stupid, it sucks and I just can’t…sorry L
Me: had fun this weekend, will put it in my memory bank….
Me: but I am moving on, without U.
Me: You’re turn to give me my space too…please
Me: Let US end.
Me: It’s over.
cole: I’m sorry for putting you through everything that I have. I know, too little too late! I knew this was coming eventually!
Me: I’m sorry L
cole: but it doesn’t change how I feel about you! I will give you your space! as much as I am hurting right now!!
Me: Thank you…..
cole: I know you don’t believe that either! But I am thankful we have our kids, so that I still have you somewhere in my life.
Me: Ok, but please avoid me.
Me: I really want it to be over.
Me: Ok?
Me: thank u…
cole: I want you to be happy and will be here if you need anything…..sorry I’m such a crybaby asshole.
cole: goodnight! I do and will always love you!!
me: thanks gnite.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
*Negative things he says about Jolene*
- She wears way too much make-up and looks very plastic when she does
- She is addicted to online shopping and has everything in the SkyMall magazine (LOL)
- He doesn't like spending the night in her bed or sleeping all night with her.
- She is all over him which makes him feel uncomfortable
- He is only with her for financial gain
- She is being possessive of him.
- He doesn't like how her family gatherings are, they are too outlandish and would rather not be around her family
- The one night at Majerles when he told me about getting her to invest in a money project with his buddy and himself, he made it sound like it was only about her money and I asked him what he would do in the meantime...he told me he was going to AVOID HER.
- He told me that he feels only 50 percent genuine feelings for her, the other 50 are the allure of sneaking around to cheat with her.
The 180 Continues......
Wow, so after he left Sunday evening, he didn't even call when he reached his destination. Sigh. Why did I think he had changed.. I don't know...I thought he had come to his senses. Maybe I am like an addiction for him or some sort of conquest. He came here, got his fix and now he is okay again? Now he can go days without talking to me or if he does text me or call me, there is no mention of our weekend together and the conversation is not playful or sweet like it was the week prior. I know I didn't do anything to turn him off, he was quite turned on. Remember he said he loved me during sex, twice. I don't get this man, at all!!! It's now Tuesday night, it's almost 10:30 pm and he has not texted me ONCE today. Exactly one week ago, we must have texted each other over 200+ text messages that day. Is he waiting for me to do something? I won't...I'm not. Everything I read in books and online say, DO NOT CHASE HIM!!! Do NOT let him know you want him. It's a game and I hate this fucking game. This stupid game leaves me feeling like crap!!!! Jolene can have him. He is not worth this agony. Gosh I feel like I am in flipping high school. I am 44 almost 45 years old and I am being treated like I am 16 with this man! Not only that I have been with him 17 years!!! Not 2 weeks, or 2 months. I don't get it. But I am not calling him. I am really good at that part. I just go to bed, and will think it over and over and over in my mind until I fall asleep...but my fingers won't dial. I am really good and not drunk dialing either, which is a good thing...because needy is not pretty. I wish I would just find someone else. I know this would be over in a second!!!
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