Here we are..10 years after the last post. Cole is still with OW. She is now 76 years old. They have never married. Cole is now more of a caregiver than anything. Our kids are now 36, 29 and 27 years old. One is married. There are two grandchildren ages 15 and 10. My mother has terminal lung cancer at age 82. I have a significant other. I am almost 60 and I found someone 2 years ago. I am happy and have goals and dreams to fulfill. Funny how fast life goes by…
Sunday, December 1, 2024
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Wow, it has been some time hasn't it? Life has gone by in a blink of an eye. And for whatever reason, I came back to the blog today to update. I didn't realize I had any readers...but because there may be people out there going through the same thing...I will continue to write. I always joke about how one day I will write a book about this craziness I have lived through with this man. So here is my update.
It is now September of 2014. I am STILL living in the family home. I am pretty sure I updated that after I had moved out to an apartment before, that I waited for that lease to expire and moved back to the house. I had other plans that I needed to carry out and I couldn't do it living in an apartment with all of my things still at the house. Well and the fact that it was costing me almost $1000 to live there on a part time basis. Anyway...I won't try to bring up stuff I've already wrote about...I wanna just talk about things going on now and probably just since my last post.
Cole turned 46 this summer. He is STILL with and living with the OW, who turned 66 this past spring. I know age probably isn't that big of a deal but I still don't understand it so I am constantly bringing up age. I just can't wait till she's 70 and he's 50...haha. Cole continues to this VERY day to hang out at the family home. I just woke up this morning to find him in the "office" on his laptop that he leaves here. I am annoyed! I haven't been able to live MY life and have him 100% out of my life in almost 6 years! I hate waking up to the sound of his voice on the phone with people, while he is in MY house. At times I come home from work and find him hanging out in the living room with our 17 year old daughter. He is here ALMOST EVERY SINGLE DAY! How does this OW live with this?? He leaves her every single morning to drive over to my house (20 miles away) to take our daughter to school. Well the reason for that is a whole nother' story. Our daughter totaled her car in January so she has no way to school. I guess I should be thankful that he is willing to drive her to school everyday instead of asking me to do it. I'll come back to this part.
Anyway.....Cole has not been working a real job, a normal job, a money making job in 5 years. He says he is living on credit. He still pays all of the bills at the family house. I pay for nothing. I am sure it's all guilt and trying to get out last daughter at home, through her senior year without having to displace her. He continues to make life pretty easy financially for me. Emotionally is a whole nother' ballgame....but I am lucky that money is not one of the worries that I have to deal with. I am sure that one of the reasons that I probably stay in the house and put up with his being here all the time, is for the money I am saving for that rainy day...away from him. Mama always told me to stash that money. I am a smart girl.
I don't really ask too many questions about where Cole gets his money. OW is very rich, but he told me a long time ago that she is not giving him any of her money. I don't believe him, but I really don't care. I do know that he has dropped the amount of child support he had been giving me. It is still pretty substantial for having one 17 year old at home, so I don't bitch about the amount.
Here is what is bothering me lately. Keep in mind, I really try NOT to let anything get to me too much...but it's because Cole is constantly around that I can't help but see certain things going on. So Cole has befriended my daughters best friends' mother. Her name is Anna. Because my daughter is such a daddy's girl, there are a lot of times she will ask her father to do things for her instead of me. Recently he did a favor for my daughter and Anna's daughter and because of that, Anna wanted to take Cole out and treat him to dinner along with another mom and her husband. I think this is where the "spark" happened between these two. Well to make this story short, Cole has been meeting up with Anna for coffee in the mornings after he drops off my daughter at school. He doesn't know that I know. There was another day where Cole was at the house and he was showing me a picture of something on his phone, and as I was looking at the picture...a text from Anna scrolled across his phone. I couldn't help but think to myself...."so you cheated on me, and left me for another woman...now you're living with another woman and you are sneaking to meet up and have coffee and texting yet another woman??" Lord help me. I can't wait to get away from this man FOREVER!
The time is near. My daughter graduates in May 2015 and will be going off to college as soon as she graduates. She will be going to another state where her older sister is. I will be back to being kid-less and single. Such a weird thought. I am excited in a way...it's when my life with Cole will begin. He still has trouble with me talking about the fact that I am thinking of moving out of state and away from all this craziness. He actually gets angry with me when I wanna talk about what we will be doing with the house. He refuses to discuss it with me.
Leaving my house/home will be hard. I am starting to make a list of the things I will miss and the things I won't miss so that I can justify my feelings about leaving it. We have stairs in my home and I have fallen down them several times and been injured severely twice (broken leg and almost broke my tailbone another time) I WON'T miss these stairs! I will miss the things that I designed and had custom done to the home (when Cole had some money and was allowing me to change things) However, I should rather look forward to having my own home and doing things to that home, on my own. I will always have ME, and I will always have my sense of design and artistic ability and can always re-create things even better in a new place.
Anyway, off to work I go...more soon...and hopefully not a year later.
Peace.....
It is now September of 2014. I am STILL living in the family home. I am pretty sure I updated that after I had moved out to an apartment before, that I waited for that lease to expire and moved back to the house. I had other plans that I needed to carry out and I couldn't do it living in an apartment with all of my things still at the house. Well and the fact that it was costing me almost $1000 to live there on a part time basis. Anyway...I won't try to bring up stuff I've already wrote about...I wanna just talk about things going on now and probably just since my last post.
Cole turned 46 this summer. He is STILL with and living with the OW, who turned 66 this past spring. I know age probably isn't that big of a deal but I still don't understand it so I am constantly bringing up age. I just can't wait till she's 70 and he's 50...haha. Cole continues to this VERY day to hang out at the family home. I just woke up this morning to find him in the "office" on his laptop that he leaves here. I am annoyed! I haven't been able to live MY life and have him 100% out of my life in almost 6 years! I hate waking up to the sound of his voice on the phone with people, while he is in MY house. At times I come home from work and find him hanging out in the living room with our 17 year old daughter. He is here ALMOST EVERY SINGLE DAY! How does this OW live with this?? He leaves her every single morning to drive over to my house (20 miles away) to take our daughter to school. Well the reason for that is a whole nother' story. Our daughter totaled her car in January so she has no way to school. I guess I should be thankful that he is willing to drive her to school everyday instead of asking me to do it. I'll come back to this part.
Anyway.....Cole has not been working a real job, a normal job, a money making job in 5 years. He says he is living on credit. He still pays all of the bills at the family house. I pay for nothing. I am sure it's all guilt and trying to get out last daughter at home, through her senior year without having to displace her. He continues to make life pretty easy financially for me. Emotionally is a whole nother' ballgame....but I am lucky that money is not one of the worries that I have to deal with. I am sure that one of the reasons that I probably stay in the house and put up with his being here all the time, is for the money I am saving for that rainy day...away from him. Mama always told me to stash that money. I am a smart girl.
I don't really ask too many questions about where Cole gets his money. OW is very rich, but he told me a long time ago that she is not giving him any of her money. I don't believe him, but I really don't care. I do know that he has dropped the amount of child support he had been giving me. It is still pretty substantial for having one 17 year old at home, so I don't bitch about the amount.
Here is what is bothering me lately. Keep in mind, I really try NOT to let anything get to me too much...but it's because Cole is constantly around that I can't help but see certain things going on. So Cole has befriended my daughters best friends' mother. Her name is Anna. Because my daughter is such a daddy's girl, there are a lot of times she will ask her father to do things for her instead of me. Recently he did a favor for my daughter and Anna's daughter and because of that, Anna wanted to take Cole out and treat him to dinner along with another mom and her husband. I think this is where the "spark" happened between these two. Well to make this story short, Cole has been meeting up with Anna for coffee in the mornings after he drops off my daughter at school. He doesn't know that I know. There was another day where Cole was at the house and he was showing me a picture of something on his phone, and as I was looking at the picture...a text from Anna scrolled across his phone. I couldn't help but think to myself...."so you cheated on me, and left me for another woman...now you're living with another woman and you are sneaking to meet up and have coffee and texting yet another woman??" Lord help me. I can't wait to get away from this man FOREVER!
The time is near. My daughter graduates in May 2015 and will be going off to college as soon as she graduates. She will be going to another state where her older sister is. I will be back to being kid-less and single. Such a weird thought. I am excited in a way...it's when my life with Cole will begin. He still has trouble with me talking about the fact that I am thinking of moving out of state and away from all this craziness. He actually gets angry with me when I wanna talk about what we will be doing with the house. He refuses to discuss it with me.
Leaving my house/home will be hard. I am starting to make a list of the things I will miss and the things I won't miss so that I can justify my feelings about leaving it. We have stairs in my home and I have fallen down them several times and been injured severely twice (broken leg and almost broke my tailbone another time) I WON'T miss these stairs! I will miss the things that I designed and had custom done to the home (when Cole had some money and was allowing me to change things) However, I should rather look forward to having my own home and doing things to that home, on my own. I will always have ME, and I will always have my sense of design and artistic ability and can always re-create things even better in a new place.
Anyway, off to work I go...more soon...and hopefully not a year later.
Peace.....
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Something that is bothering me.........
I have told myself to stop sleuthing anything more about Cole. It's almost like punishment to myself when I find out something...and it always hurts to the core. But there is something that I have found out and I am trying not to analyze it...but dammit, I am and at least I can blog about it and "oh well, who cares"....but I logged into his flower shop account that he uses to send flowers to whomever. It was pretty simple to figure out (he is so predictable)....I have had access to it since he met Jolene. I have seen every bouquet or flowers he has sent her along with the message on the card. And of course I see all the bouquets he has sent me in the last few years too. I have actually seen the orders before they are even delivered at times. I found it funny once (this was last year 2011) where he sent both myself and his affair partner flowers for Valentines Day. I bet the people at the florist shop where laughing their asses off at the stupidity of this man...but anyway....before they were even delivered...I had the opportunity to compare how he selected each arrangement and what he said on each card. I think it was at this time that I had that virtual slap in the face...when I saw that Jolene's flowers were called "Purest Passion" and were a mixture of red roses and white lily's and her card was signed..."Happy Valentines Day...I Love You...Love Cole" and MY flowers were Pink roses...and basically said...Have a good day...Love Cole.
Just recently as a few weeks ago, I made the mistake of going in again to see that he has sent her anniversary flowers. And on the card he writes, "3 years! Dinner tomorrow! Pick you up at 6:30!" Well this is where I begin to get mad. I was with this man for 18 years and NOT ONCE....NOT ONCE!!! Did I EVER ....get flowers to signify or celebrate the length of time we were together. NOT ONCE....did I get him asking or telling me that he was taking me to dinner and be ready by 6:30.....I washed this mans' dirty underwear, took care of his kids and his house, and made dinner and stayed up late most nights trying to get it all done. I just don't get it....I told one of my girlfriends about this the other day and she says'..."he's doing this...because he is in LOVE with her!" Wow...I feel like I've been thrown under a bus. Oh and to top it off, he also signified the 3 years of CHEATING...by sending 3 dozen red roses. However...I laugh my ass off....just a little...because I used to tell him that red roses were too easy. You open a website and the first page is splashed with red roses. How easy is it...to just pick one and fill out the forms and payment information and send it off. I find it funny that after I said that to him...I never got red roses again. I always got pretty elaborate arrangements after that....Never just because...mainly on Mothers Day and my birthday and always "from the kids"...but he is now sending HER the easy to order red roses...ha ha. Ironically though...it is my birthday tomorrow...and I have just seen an order go through that same flower shop. He has ordered 2 arrangements..and of course much bigger and better than HERS! for my birthday. He did NOT sign the card from himself though...only from the kids...I just find that so weird. I mean I get that my kids probably do want to get their mom something for her birthday...but what ex goes out and pays $235 for flowers.
Ah well...not to be analyzed anymore. I have to let him go. I have to.....He is IN LOVE...and he just needs to go BE IN LOVE. He has been trying to make small talk with me via text. Nothing really all that exciting...just asking me stuff about the house...telling me about my dog (my dog is with him right now as are my kids...spending a month out of town with him)...He is being cordial...civil to me. We have nothing else to say to each other. I wished him a HAPPY FATHERS DAY via text...he replied "thank you"...and that was it.
I have decided that once the kids have graduated high school that I am leaving for good. I suppose I could do that now...and the idea is constantly in my head. Why wait? I could have a very normal life if I just left. Writing this blog makes me want to do it sooner than later. I think I am scared to just GO. Getting the apartment was my getting my feet wet. I have done this in the past with my ex husband and a boyfriend, so why is it so hard to leave this one?! This ONE has treated me the worst...by far. He will argue that fact and say that he treated me like a Queen. Yeah right...Yes..you gave me everything I ever asked for when it came to material things...well maybe not everything...but you did do very well on that part. However...Your lack of LOVE...AND COMMUNICATION...and LOYALTY...AND EMOTIONAL CONNECTION does not get over looked just because you were a good provider. YOU SUCKED at emotionally connecting to me!
And someone that I talked to today...suggested that "Maybe he never loved you"...OUCH! But I think she was right. He just never did. He didn't pursue me when he met me...I pursued him. I was the one that walked up to him and introduced myself and said "let's dance"...he didn't go after me. In fact, he tried to dump me once and then didn't speak to me for 2 months after that...and I was the STUPID one that called him. Once I did that, he figured that I was after him...again..and that he could play me...again and he did and had for 18 years. Not really sure what was in it for him...but I am thinking "children"...he wanted children and the women he liked, were not suitable to be the type of mother he wanted for his kids...I was. Yet he was not in love with me. It's sad..but I am pretty sure it is the truth.
Just recently as a few weeks ago, I made the mistake of going in again to see that he has sent her anniversary flowers. And on the card he writes, "3 years! Dinner tomorrow! Pick you up at 6:30!" Well this is where I begin to get mad. I was with this man for 18 years and NOT ONCE....NOT ONCE!!! Did I EVER ....get flowers to signify or celebrate the length of time we were together. NOT ONCE....did I get him asking or telling me that he was taking me to dinner and be ready by 6:30.....I washed this mans' dirty underwear, took care of his kids and his house, and made dinner and stayed up late most nights trying to get it all done. I just don't get it....I told one of my girlfriends about this the other day and she says'..."he's doing this...because he is in LOVE with her!" Wow...I feel like I've been thrown under a bus. Oh and to top it off, he also signified the 3 years of CHEATING...by sending 3 dozen red roses. However...I laugh my ass off....just a little...because I used to tell him that red roses were too easy. You open a website and the first page is splashed with red roses. How easy is it...to just pick one and fill out the forms and payment information and send it off. I find it funny that after I said that to him...I never got red roses again. I always got pretty elaborate arrangements after that....Never just because...mainly on Mothers Day and my birthday and always "from the kids"...but he is now sending HER the easy to order red roses...ha ha. Ironically though...it is my birthday tomorrow...and I have just seen an order go through that same flower shop. He has ordered 2 arrangements..and of course much bigger and better than HERS! for my birthday. He did NOT sign the card from himself though...only from the kids...I just find that so weird. I mean I get that my kids probably do want to get their mom something for her birthday...but what ex goes out and pays $235 for flowers.
Ah well...not to be analyzed anymore. I have to let him go. I have to.....He is IN LOVE...and he just needs to go BE IN LOVE. He has been trying to make small talk with me via text. Nothing really all that exciting...just asking me stuff about the house...telling me about my dog (my dog is with him right now as are my kids...spending a month out of town with him)...He is being cordial...civil to me. We have nothing else to say to each other. I wished him a HAPPY FATHERS DAY via text...he replied "thank you"...and that was it.
I have decided that once the kids have graduated high school that I am leaving for good. I suppose I could do that now...and the idea is constantly in my head. Why wait? I could have a very normal life if I just left. Writing this blog makes me want to do it sooner than later. I think I am scared to just GO. Getting the apartment was my getting my feet wet. I have done this in the past with my ex husband and a boyfriend, so why is it so hard to leave this one?! This ONE has treated me the worst...by far. He will argue that fact and say that he treated me like a Queen. Yeah right...Yes..you gave me everything I ever asked for when it came to material things...well maybe not everything...but you did do very well on that part. However...Your lack of LOVE...AND COMMUNICATION...and LOYALTY...AND EMOTIONAL CONNECTION does not get over looked just because you were a good provider. YOU SUCKED at emotionally connecting to me!
And someone that I talked to today...suggested that "Maybe he never loved you"...OUCH! But I think she was right. He just never did. He didn't pursue me when he met me...I pursued him. I was the one that walked up to him and introduced myself and said "let's dance"...he didn't go after me. In fact, he tried to dump me once and then didn't speak to me for 2 months after that...and I was the STUPID one that called him. Once I did that, he figured that I was after him...again..and that he could play me...again and he did and had for 18 years. Not really sure what was in it for him...but I am thinking "children"...he wanted children and the women he liked, were not suitable to be the type of mother he wanted for his kids...I was. Yet he was not in love with me. It's sad..but I am pretty sure it is the truth.
And now we are back to not speaking....again!
It is amazing how fast time flies...I really need to blog more often because it helps tremendously in getting all of my thoughts out. So quick update since last blog post. Shortly after that post, things did seem to change some. Cole flew out of town to his next "big work project"...1000+ miles away from me and the kids. I started to get texts in the morning saying "Good Morning! Hope you have a great day!! And then each evening, "Sweet Dreams, Good Night!" So I started replying back to him, "You too!" etc. Then we started sending these stupid little animations that I had found on the App Store. Basically you find the animation you want and then you copy and paste it into your text. Some of them are pretty cute. Well Cole was having a "HeyDey" with them and I would get 3-4 or more a day. I actually kind of enjoyed seeing which ones he would come up with. We didn't talk about Jolene. His stuff was back in my closet and that was a start for me.
Some of the stuff he brought home was in a Rubbermaid bin. While Cole was over at Jolene's and the kids were at school, I decided to go through some of those bins. In one of them I found 7+ greeting cards from Jolene. They ranged from Happy Birthday Honey, to Merry Christmas Sweetheart...Happy Anniversary, and your typical..."I Love You Because...." (BARF)....My eye instantly went to our big ol' heavy duty shredder machine. I sat next to that shredder and sent every one of those stupid cards through that shredder. I read every single word she wrote before I sent HER through that shredder. Call me crazy...but it felt damn good. He still doesn't know that I have done this. I doubt he will even miss those cards. Cole is not a card person. When we first met I used to send the little LOVE cards too...but I quickly found out that he wasn't that into them (or maybe he just wasn't that into me) at any rate...he did not reciprocate any cards back to me..nor did he seem to get all warm and fuzzy because he received one from me.
So anyway...back to the whole texting flirtation thing going on. I have to admit...it felt good to finally be getting some attention from Cole. About 3 weeks had gone by...and on one of those nights of sending out our random cutesie poo texts...he didn't respond to a "sweet dreams" one that I had sent. I thought it was kind of strange because he usually replied pretty quickly...and if not quickly...then at least within 30 minutes. I then tried calling him and no answer. Again, I was was kind of confused but it finally started to dawn on me...Jolene had flown to see him and she was there. Wow...I was starting to feel like the other woman....and I will be damned if I am anyone's "other woman." Before I jumped to conclusions, I decided to wait and see if he would bother to send me a goodnight text...and sure enough he finally did about an hour later. I grabbed my cell and called him again. I figured that this time, he will answer because he just now sent me that text. He didn't answer. I instantly started to feel like CRAP. I send out another text, "IS someone there with you right now?"...and he didn't reply right away....but he then texted back, "Yes, someone flew in and is here now". I then went OFF on him. I told him to fuck off...and to leave me alone and that we are never going to work it out and that I was done. He never replied after that. I don't know what I was expecting. I guess I expected Cole to tell her NO when she wanted to fly in to see him there. But he didn't, and he allowed her to come.
Since then we haven't really spoken to each other anymore. I have pretty much decided that I am not playing anymore stupid silly games with Cole. It's been a rough road for me. It has been hard for me to let go...but I have to. It's not getting me anywhere and all I am doing is getting older and I'm miserable. Cole instantly tells our kids that "mom is mad at me....again." I don't get why he feels the need to tell our kids that I am mad at him....I guess he is trying to make himself look like the victim as usual.
Some of the stuff he brought home was in a Rubbermaid bin. While Cole was over at Jolene's and the kids were at school, I decided to go through some of those bins. In one of them I found 7+ greeting cards from Jolene. They ranged from Happy Birthday Honey, to Merry Christmas Sweetheart...Happy Anniversary, and your typical..."I Love You Because...." (BARF)....My eye instantly went to our big ol' heavy duty shredder machine. I sat next to that shredder and sent every one of those stupid cards through that shredder. I read every single word she wrote before I sent HER through that shredder. Call me crazy...but it felt damn good. He still doesn't know that I have done this. I doubt he will even miss those cards. Cole is not a card person. When we first met I used to send the little LOVE cards too...but I quickly found out that he wasn't that into them (or maybe he just wasn't that into me) at any rate...he did not reciprocate any cards back to me..nor did he seem to get all warm and fuzzy because he received one from me.
So anyway...back to the whole texting flirtation thing going on. I have to admit...it felt good to finally be getting some attention from Cole. About 3 weeks had gone by...and on one of those nights of sending out our random cutesie poo texts...he didn't respond to a "sweet dreams" one that I had sent. I thought it was kind of strange because he usually replied pretty quickly...and if not quickly...then at least within 30 minutes. I then tried calling him and no answer. Again, I was was kind of confused but it finally started to dawn on me...Jolene had flown to see him and she was there. Wow...I was starting to feel like the other woman....and I will be damned if I am anyone's "other woman." Before I jumped to conclusions, I decided to wait and see if he would bother to send me a goodnight text...and sure enough he finally did about an hour later. I grabbed my cell and called him again. I figured that this time, he will answer because he just now sent me that text. He didn't answer. I instantly started to feel like CRAP. I send out another text, "IS someone there with you right now?"...and he didn't reply right away....but he then texted back, "Yes, someone flew in and is here now". I then went OFF on him. I told him to fuck off...and to leave me alone and that we are never going to work it out and that I was done. He never replied after that. I don't know what I was expecting. I guess I expected Cole to tell her NO when she wanted to fly in to see him there. But he didn't, and he allowed her to come.
Since then we haven't really spoken to each other anymore. I have pretty much decided that I am not playing anymore stupid silly games with Cole. It's been a rough road for me. It has been hard for me to let go...but I have to. It's not getting me anywhere and all I am doing is getting older and I'm miserable. Cole instantly tells our kids that "mom is mad at me....again." I don't get why he feels the need to tell our kids that I am mad at him....I guess he is trying to make himself look like the victim as usual.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Ugh, this man CONFUSES ME!!!
So I hadn't heard from 'Cole in at least 6 weeks. He avoided me like crazy. Didn't call or talk to me...and then one weekend he came home from working out of town...saw me in the bedroom and gave me a HUGE hug and kiss. Weird. Then he just held onto me. He kept saying how he had been dreaming about me and that he missed me so much. Within a few days I noticed clothing coming back into the house and being hung up in his (our) closet. He began pulling stuff from Jolene's place and bringing it home. I didn't know how to react, although part of me got a bit excited, giddy if you will....I felt like, "Ya..finally...Cole and Jolene are breaking up!" But at the same time, I worried about my own relationship with Mark. I like him, maybe even in love with him. I don't want to hurt him, at all. Anyway...so the first night Cole came back, he tried to sleep with me. Dammit! WHY???!! He doesn't get it. Why does he think sex is what I want?? Why does he think that will fix things between us. Well I stood my ground. He didn't get any. We kissed for a little bit. It felt familiar. It wasn't bad...but I kept thinking about Mark. I was mad at Cole for even thinking I would just get into bed with him. He says to me later on the next day, "I wish that you were sluttier"....Yeah, NO. Dude I will NEVER BE SLUTTIER. You are the slut!
And how does he even say this?? OMG. What a douchebag. Well he was here at the house all weekend. He told me that I should still get rid of the apartment and stay at the house. I'm going to. I will definitely save some money and fight for this house again. I don't need the apartment. It was fun...but the next time I leave this house, it's gonna be for good and my kids are going with me. It could be as soon as next month, three months, next year..I don't know. All I know is that right now, I am milking him as much as I can. And I'm happy to say...that I got $1900 out of Cole today for new rims and tires on my car. BAM! Now all I have to do is be nice to him, let him have his little affair partner...and let him hang out at his house. I literally have to put on the happy face...he wants to have his cake and eat it too?? Fine, I will too. I have my boyfriend Mark, the house, money when I want it...and I don't have to sleep with Cole (puke).
Problem is...I do still have feelings for Cole. I don't know why. Call me crazy. It's such a weird thought. I think about him ALL the time...but when he is around me..I cringe. I can't stand to have him touch me. What is wrong with me??! I miss him soooo much, but at the same time...the minute he tries to hug me or want a kiss goodbye, I go back into this little shell. I think I do this partly because I know he is still with Jolene, and also that I don't want to cheat on Mark. My mind is conditioned to believe that he MUST be done with Jolene entirely, to even BEGIN TO TRY ANYTHING WITH ME in regards to getting me back. I don't know if he can get me back. I feel like I am the third person saying this, "I don't know if you can really ever get her back Cole, something died inside of her, for you."
Cole sat me down yesterday and this is what he said to me:
I LOVE YOU....I'VE TRIED HATING YOU...BUT I CAN'T SO THAT MUST BE LOVE
I CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH.
I WANT TO PROVIDE FOR YOU, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT
I MISS YOU, I MISS OUR HOME, I MISS OUR PETS, I MISS OUR KIDS
I MISS EVERYTHING
Yet where is he tonight? At Jolene's...I rest my case.
And how does he even say this?? OMG. What a douchebag. Well he was here at the house all weekend. He told me that I should still get rid of the apartment and stay at the house. I'm going to. I will definitely save some money and fight for this house again. I don't need the apartment. It was fun...but the next time I leave this house, it's gonna be for good and my kids are going with me. It could be as soon as next month, three months, next year..I don't know. All I know is that right now, I am milking him as much as I can. And I'm happy to say...that I got $1900 out of Cole today for new rims and tires on my car. BAM! Now all I have to do is be nice to him, let him have his little affair partner...and let him hang out at his house. I literally have to put on the happy face...he wants to have his cake and eat it too?? Fine, I will too. I have my boyfriend Mark, the house, money when I want it...and I don't have to sleep with Cole (puke).
Problem is...I do still have feelings for Cole. I don't know why. Call me crazy. It's such a weird thought. I think about him ALL the time...but when he is around me..I cringe. I can't stand to have him touch me. What is wrong with me??! I miss him soooo much, but at the same time...the minute he tries to hug me or want a kiss goodbye, I go back into this little shell. I think I do this partly because I know he is still with Jolene, and also that I don't want to cheat on Mark. My mind is conditioned to believe that he MUST be done with Jolene entirely, to even BEGIN TO TRY ANYTHING WITH ME in regards to getting me back. I don't know if he can get me back. I feel like I am the third person saying this, "I don't know if you can really ever get her back Cole, something died inside of her, for you."
Cole sat me down yesterday and this is what he said to me:
I LOVE YOU....I'VE TRIED HATING YOU...BUT I CAN'T SO THAT MUST BE LOVE
I CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH.
I WANT TO PROVIDE FOR YOU, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT
I MISS YOU, I MISS OUR HOME, I MISS OUR PETS, I MISS OUR KIDS
I MISS EVERYTHING
Yet where is he tonight? At Jolene's...I rest my case.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wow, almost a year has gone by...Lots to update on.
I can't believe that it has been 10 months since my last blog post. I really should blog more often. It really is therapeutic in some ways. It's a good way to remind myself of how mental of a man he was.
So in my last post 10 months ago, I claimed that I was stupid. Well since then this girl has grown some balls. I never did hook up with Rob. My mind really just wasn't ready to have a relationship. Not only that, I really wasn't interested in seeing someone long distance. I did meet someone while at work. He was a customer that came into my business. At the time, Cole and I were and had been still "off"..Not a couple, not back together. I was probably still pretty much Debbie Doormat though cause I was allowing him to just come over whenever he felt like it and hang out with the kids. The last time in May where I mentioned that we had slept together, was our LAST time. I was strong enough to cut that off completely. I was stupid about letting him step over that boundary. He was getting sex from 2 different women on a regular basis, that is pretty flipping stupid...On my part.
Anyway, so I meet this guy...younger guy and we just have this casual chit chat conversation about relationships and it turns out that his wife had cheated on him and left him. They had been separated for about 4 months I guess when we met. He asked me if I would like to go meet up with some of his friends and play trivia at the bar a few doors down from my business. I said 'sure'...I thought it sounded like fun since I LOVE trivia games. I had absolutely no attraction to this guy right off the bat. I honestly thought it would just be a group of friends hanging out playing a game, so I waited about a week and I went. I ended up going to a couple of nights out. Trivia at the bar was only on Thursday nights, so I would either go right after work or go home, feed the girls and then go back up to play. It only lasted about 2 hours then I would go home.
So I'm trying to sort of summarize up to where I am now in March of 2012...but let's just say that the invitation to trivia turned into my seeing this guy and dating this guy and sleeping with this guy. How's that for in a nutshell? I think one of our first dates was that he invited me to a wedding, so I went as his date. We didn't sleep together probably for at least 2 months. It did start to turn serious. I think that I was so emotionally drained by Cole, that I was like a starving kitten. I lapped up the flattery, he would tell me how beautiful I was, he respected me, admired me, he just loved everything about me. I got flowers all the time for no reason, we went to movies, dinner, concerts, trivia, BBQ's, the fair and so much more. We had a lot in common and enjoyed each other company. It wasn't about sex at all. Part of me was worried about my betraying Cole now. Well let me see how I justified it. I wasn't married to Cole, he never wanted to marry me. He left me to be with another woman a year and half prior. He had more than one chance give to him to come back and make it right, and always fucked that up. He always chose Jolene over me when I would ask him if he had to make a decision right now who would he pick. Hmm, what else? Oh where he told me that he could NEVER be faithful to me. He also told me to "go do my thing" and that he was gonna "do his thing" and that he did not answer to me, nor was I his keeper. I think that pretty much gave me the go ahead to see who I wanted to see. So I started seeing Mark.
It was shortly after I started seeing Mark that Cole started to stalk me. Before I get into more of this craziness. I have to let on where I made a HUGE mistake in all this. I'm not sure if I had mentioned it before...but when I got my apartment...I did not leave all the way out of our home. The problem is that Cole works out of town most of the week, so leaving the home would have left it empty...with dogs in the backyard...some expensive electronics just sitting inside...food in the fridge...and basically a home that nobody lives in. So I come up with this grand idea to stay in the house during the week with the kids while Cole is out of town working..and then when he comes back on the weekends...he can stay in the house with the kids..and I will go off to my apartment and have my own private life and relationship with Mark. Lets just say that didn't work out so much. It worked up until New Years Eve. Cole had been telling me all year long that I could have the house, that it was stupid of me to keep paying rent at an apartment and that he was never in town anyway, so that I should just move back to the house entirely. I was in the transition of doing that...but my lease on my apartment was not over till April of 2012.
I don't think Cole really knew a whole lot of what was going on with Mark and I. He decided he would find out on his own. I guess I was expecting him to be nonchalant about the fact that I was seeing someone. I thought that is what he wanted, was for me to leave him alone and let him have his OW. He wasn't happy about it in the least bit. So back to the stalking...he would literally be sitting in a parking lot watching me kiss Mark goodbye or would show up at my apartment early like 5:30 am I think hoping to catch Mark there. I never let Mark spend the night with me, knowing that Cole was doing this. I was afraid of what would happen if the two ever met up. Well one night they did. Not at the apartment, but at trivia. Cole found out that I was at trivia with Mark and decided to come down and start trouble. He basically told Mark that he was no good, that he was still married (divorce was pending and I'm happy to report divorce is now final between Mark and his ex-wife..it never was an issue...she left him and never came back)....Cole was just being this super asshole. I was like, "wow...are you serious??" I'm really not sure what prompted this behavior but it looked like a green monster. Cole told Mark that he BETTER take the picture of himself with me, OFF of his facebook or else!! Cole said that he didn't need his kids seeing a picture of the two of us...wait a minute, what?? You're gone!! My kids don't or didn't care that I found someone else...they knew about Mark, they had met Mark...our picture on facebook was normal..Just two people smiling for the camera. Well Cole insisted that Mark take that picture down..so a few days later I just asked Mark to do it...just to keep the peace for me when I was around Cole.
I think that for Mark....that the months of June thru January were HELL for both of us. We broke up several times because Cole was just trying to sabotage us in whatever way he could find. Whether it be the stalking or the threat of throwing me and all my stuff out of the house for good. I was on such a roller coaster, still......Cole did not want me back. It wasn't like he was saying "Hey..lets make this work..I'll do anything just to get you back. Let me show you how much I want you back, Let me come home, Let's go to counseling"...None of that...All Cole wanted to do, was act like a jealous crazy person. I was trying to be "friends" with Cole...part of me still loved him and I thought maybe someday he would snap out of it and would want to go to counseling and figure things out. I reserved a tiny spot of hope for that to happen. I hadn't shut that door all the way. But in the meantime, I just couldn't stop seeing Mark...I had finally met someone who knew how to treat women. I mean all the years of dating so many different men, I had never dated a "nice guy". I liked the bad boys...not the nice guys. Well age must have changed me, or it was probably Cole who did...but I was liking this nice guy. Poor Mark though. He has been through so much with me. All of my crazy emotions over Cole and this house and moving out and having our own time without crazy person bothering us. UGH...it has been a rough year.
In February of this year...the shit with Cole finally hit the fan. I had gone out with Mark on a Saturday night. I didn't report to anyone what I was doing. The kids (teenagers mind you ,who are now 16 and 15) were with Cole. He had been out of town for 2 weeks and I figured that Saturday night would be the perfect night for him to spend some quality time with his girls. SO I went out with Mark to celebrate his birthday with him. We took a cab to go out, and left my car at my apartment. When we left the bar at midnight, we came back to the apartment and the idea was that I was gonna let Mark stay the night in my apartment and that I was gonna take a cab home to my house..Keep in mind that I was pretty much back staying in the house and Cole was staying with Jolene when he was in town. She lives about 25 miles from our house. When Mark and I got back to the apartment, I didn't feel so good and thought I might get sick. We both went up to my apartment and I laid down on the bed to stop the feeling of sickness. I began to spin. I think I had way too many shots. So Mark kept telling me that I should probably get home...and just then a pounding came at my door. I knew who it was. Cole had finally caught Mark at my apartment. I don't know what I was thinking. I was thinking that Cole was going to be civil and calm, so I stupidly answered the door. Well as soon as I unlocked the door, Cole was in my apartment...He pushed me pretty hard out of the way and went after Mark. He struck Mark in the mouth with an open fist I guess. I know it wasn't a closed fist...then I tried to get in between and Cole pushed me down like a ragdoll into my bedside table. It was crazy. I then told Cole to knock it off or that I was gonna call the police and he threatened that if I did that, that he would yank everything I have ever had away from me. Well 3 months prior he started yanking things away anyway. He closed my bank account on me that I have had for 16 years...in a matter of minutes and without my consent. He had also told me back then to get all of my shit out of HIS house. So I had an idea of what kind of evil this man was. I started to go for the phone, and he again warned me. Well little did I know..that Mark had dialed 911 on his cell phone and then had let the phone sit on the bed while Cole continued to rant and rave what a horrible mother I was and how I should be home with my kids...blah blah blah. I continued to tell Cole..."I left my kids with you...did I get a phone call from you letting me know you were dropping them at their sisters house?" Well the ironic thing is that my 16 year old drives and has her own car. So they stayed at their sisters house (my daughter from first marriage) till 1 am...playing board games. Apparently Cole was disgusted after seeing Marks face book page via my oldest daughter who is a mutual face book friend and he left in a huff about 7 pm. and went back over to Jolenes house. Well my 15 year old called her father at 1:30 am to tell him that they just got home and that I was not at home. So Cole drove 25 miles from his woman's bed....or rather...his affair partners bed...to beat up the guy I'm dating. Go figure!!! A phone call would have worked buddy.
Needless to say, the police showed up...Cole was cuffed and arrested (first time ever at 43 years old) and spent the night in jail. He was let out the next day at 2 pm and since then has left me alone. It has been one month since that night. He doesn't call for NOTHING now. He doesn't even communicate with me about our children. He communicates with me, thru our children. How's that for childish. If there is something he wants me to know, he tells one of our teenagers. Oh and he told me that I had to be OUT OF HIS HOUSE by March 30th...well tomorrow is the 30th and I haven't done much on packing. I'm working on it, but I'm gonna take my sweet time. I lived with him for 17 years, and I have a lot of crap to go through and boxes to pack.
The court hearing is on March 30th...tomorrow...I will update the blog if anything happens. I doubt anything will happen to him. I do hope they sentence him to counseling and maybe anger management. Ironically I watched the movie "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez...and saw some behavior in the male character that I could relate with. More of an update and then back on track...with my life in blog.
So in my last post 10 months ago, I claimed that I was stupid. Well since then this girl has grown some balls. I never did hook up with Rob. My mind really just wasn't ready to have a relationship. Not only that, I really wasn't interested in seeing someone long distance. I did meet someone while at work. He was a customer that came into my business. At the time, Cole and I were and had been still "off"..Not a couple, not back together. I was probably still pretty much Debbie Doormat though cause I was allowing him to just come over whenever he felt like it and hang out with the kids. The last time in May where I mentioned that we had slept together, was our LAST time. I was strong enough to cut that off completely. I was stupid about letting him step over that boundary. He was getting sex from 2 different women on a regular basis, that is pretty flipping stupid...On my part.
Anyway, so I meet this guy...younger guy and we just have this casual chit chat conversation about relationships and it turns out that his wife had cheated on him and left him. They had been separated for about 4 months I guess when we met. He asked me if I would like to go meet up with some of his friends and play trivia at the bar a few doors down from my business. I said 'sure'...I thought it sounded like fun since I LOVE trivia games. I had absolutely no attraction to this guy right off the bat. I honestly thought it would just be a group of friends hanging out playing a game, so I waited about a week and I went. I ended up going to a couple of nights out. Trivia at the bar was only on Thursday nights, so I would either go right after work or go home, feed the girls and then go back up to play. It only lasted about 2 hours then I would go home.
So I'm trying to sort of summarize up to where I am now in March of 2012...but let's just say that the invitation to trivia turned into my seeing this guy and dating this guy and sleeping with this guy. How's that for in a nutshell? I think one of our first dates was that he invited me to a wedding, so I went as his date. We didn't sleep together probably for at least 2 months. It did start to turn serious. I think that I was so emotionally drained by Cole, that I was like a starving kitten. I lapped up the flattery, he would tell me how beautiful I was, he respected me, admired me, he just loved everything about me. I got flowers all the time for no reason, we went to movies, dinner, concerts, trivia, BBQ's, the fair and so much more. We had a lot in common and enjoyed each other company. It wasn't about sex at all. Part of me was worried about my betraying Cole now. Well let me see how I justified it. I wasn't married to Cole, he never wanted to marry me. He left me to be with another woman a year and half prior. He had more than one chance give to him to come back and make it right, and always fucked that up. He always chose Jolene over me when I would ask him if he had to make a decision right now who would he pick. Hmm, what else? Oh where he told me that he could NEVER be faithful to me. He also told me to "go do my thing" and that he was gonna "do his thing" and that he did not answer to me, nor was I his keeper. I think that pretty much gave me the go ahead to see who I wanted to see. So I started seeing Mark.
It was shortly after I started seeing Mark that Cole started to stalk me. Before I get into more of this craziness. I have to let on where I made a HUGE mistake in all this. I'm not sure if I had mentioned it before...but when I got my apartment...I did not leave all the way out of our home. The problem is that Cole works out of town most of the week, so leaving the home would have left it empty...with dogs in the backyard...some expensive electronics just sitting inside...food in the fridge...and basically a home that nobody lives in. So I come up with this grand idea to stay in the house during the week with the kids while Cole is out of town working..and then when he comes back on the weekends...he can stay in the house with the kids..and I will go off to my apartment and have my own private life and relationship with Mark. Lets just say that didn't work out so much. It worked up until New Years Eve. Cole had been telling me all year long that I could have the house, that it was stupid of me to keep paying rent at an apartment and that he was never in town anyway, so that I should just move back to the house entirely. I was in the transition of doing that...but my lease on my apartment was not over till April of 2012.
I don't think Cole really knew a whole lot of what was going on with Mark and I. He decided he would find out on his own. I guess I was expecting him to be nonchalant about the fact that I was seeing someone. I thought that is what he wanted, was for me to leave him alone and let him have his OW. He wasn't happy about it in the least bit. So back to the stalking...he would literally be sitting in a parking lot watching me kiss Mark goodbye or would show up at my apartment early like 5:30 am I think hoping to catch Mark there. I never let Mark spend the night with me, knowing that Cole was doing this. I was afraid of what would happen if the two ever met up. Well one night they did. Not at the apartment, but at trivia. Cole found out that I was at trivia with Mark and decided to come down and start trouble. He basically told Mark that he was no good, that he was still married (divorce was pending and I'm happy to report divorce is now final between Mark and his ex-wife..it never was an issue...she left him and never came back)....Cole was just being this super asshole. I was like, "wow...are you serious??" I'm really not sure what prompted this behavior but it looked like a green monster. Cole told Mark that he BETTER take the picture of himself with me, OFF of his facebook or else!! Cole said that he didn't need his kids seeing a picture of the two of us...wait a minute, what?? You're gone!! My kids don't or didn't care that I found someone else...they knew about Mark, they had met Mark...our picture on facebook was normal..Just two people smiling for the camera. Well Cole insisted that Mark take that picture down..so a few days later I just asked Mark to do it...just to keep the peace for me when I was around Cole.
I think that for Mark....that the months of June thru January were HELL for both of us. We broke up several times because Cole was just trying to sabotage us in whatever way he could find. Whether it be the stalking or the threat of throwing me and all my stuff out of the house for good. I was on such a roller coaster, still......Cole did not want me back. It wasn't like he was saying "Hey..lets make this work..I'll do anything just to get you back. Let me show you how much I want you back, Let me come home, Let's go to counseling"...None of that...All Cole wanted to do, was act like a jealous crazy person. I was trying to be "friends" with Cole...part of me still loved him and I thought maybe someday he would snap out of it and would want to go to counseling and figure things out. I reserved a tiny spot of hope for that to happen. I hadn't shut that door all the way. But in the meantime, I just couldn't stop seeing Mark...I had finally met someone who knew how to treat women. I mean all the years of dating so many different men, I had never dated a "nice guy". I liked the bad boys...not the nice guys. Well age must have changed me, or it was probably Cole who did...but I was liking this nice guy. Poor Mark though. He has been through so much with me. All of my crazy emotions over Cole and this house and moving out and having our own time without crazy person bothering us. UGH...it has been a rough year.
In February of this year...the shit with Cole finally hit the fan. I had gone out with Mark on a Saturday night. I didn't report to anyone what I was doing. The kids (teenagers mind you ,who are now 16 and 15) were with Cole. He had been out of town for 2 weeks and I figured that Saturday night would be the perfect night for him to spend some quality time with his girls. SO I went out with Mark to celebrate his birthday with him. We took a cab to go out, and left my car at my apartment. When we left the bar at midnight, we came back to the apartment and the idea was that I was gonna let Mark stay the night in my apartment and that I was gonna take a cab home to my house..Keep in mind that I was pretty much back staying in the house and Cole was staying with Jolene when he was in town. She lives about 25 miles from our house. When Mark and I got back to the apartment, I didn't feel so good and thought I might get sick. We both went up to my apartment and I laid down on the bed to stop the feeling of sickness. I began to spin. I think I had way too many shots. So Mark kept telling me that I should probably get home...and just then a pounding came at my door. I knew who it was. Cole had finally caught Mark at my apartment. I don't know what I was thinking. I was thinking that Cole was going to be civil and calm, so I stupidly answered the door. Well as soon as I unlocked the door, Cole was in my apartment...He pushed me pretty hard out of the way and went after Mark. He struck Mark in the mouth with an open fist I guess. I know it wasn't a closed fist...then I tried to get in between and Cole pushed me down like a ragdoll into my bedside table. It was crazy. I then told Cole to knock it off or that I was gonna call the police and he threatened that if I did that, that he would yank everything I have ever had away from me. Well 3 months prior he started yanking things away anyway. He closed my bank account on me that I have had for 16 years...in a matter of minutes and without my consent. He had also told me back then to get all of my shit out of HIS house. So I had an idea of what kind of evil this man was. I started to go for the phone, and he again warned me. Well little did I know..that Mark had dialed 911 on his cell phone and then had let the phone sit on the bed while Cole continued to rant and rave what a horrible mother I was and how I should be home with my kids...blah blah blah. I continued to tell Cole..."I left my kids with you...did I get a phone call from you letting me know you were dropping them at their sisters house?" Well the ironic thing is that my 16 year old drives and has her own car. So they stayed at their sisters house (my daughter from first marriage) till 1 am...playing board games. Apparently Cole was disgusted after seeing Marks face book page via my oldest daughter who is a mutual face book friend and he left in a huff about 7 pm. and went back over to Jolenes house. Well my 15 year old called her father at 1:30 am to tell him that they just got home and that I was not at home. So Cole drove 25 miles from his woman's bed....or rather...his affair partners bed...to beat up the guy I'm dating. Go figure!!! A phone call would have worked buddy.
Needless to say, the police showed up...Cole was cuffed and arrested (first time ever at 43 years old) and spent the night in jail. He was let out the next day at 2 pm and since then has left me alone. It has been one month since that night. He doesn't call for NOTHING now. He doesn't even communicate with me about our children. He communicates with me, thru our children. How's that for childish. If there is something he wants me to know, he tells one of our teenagers. Oh and he told me that I had to be OUT OF HIS HOUSE by March 30th...well tomorrow is the 30th and I haven't done much on packing. I'm working on it, but I'm gonna take my sweet time. I lived with him for 17 years, and I have a lot of crap to go through and boxes to pack.
The court hearing is on March 30th...tomorrow...I will update the blog if anything happens. I doubt anything will happen to him. I do hope they sentence him to counseling and maybe anger management. Ironically I watched the movie "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez...and saw some behavior in the male character that I could relate with. More of an update and then back on track...with my life in blog.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I am stupid :(
So I have really been working hard to move on with my life. The problem is, is that when I do this it brings Cole around. He is mental. I have come to understand this. He keeps showing up in weird places as if he is stalking me. I was parked at a diner at 8:30 on a Sunday morning...having breakfast with my grandson..when all of a sudden Cole shows up and sits down with us. 2 hours later he was booking a flight with Jolene and himself. I suppose she flew with him to stay with him for the week while he worked out of town.
This past weekend he came to our house and stayed with our kids while I flew out of town to visit some friends. The night before he left we went to dinner with our children and then I left and went to my apartment. At 5:30 am in the morning he shows up at my apartment, knocking on the door. He is sick!!! Stupid me lets him in and you know what happens after that. So I ended up going out of town. He took me to the airport and kissed me goodbye in front of our kids. The manipulation continues and no one is to blame but myself. I had him pick me up from the airport and then we went to lunch together...then back to our house. We ended up sleeping together again. Later on he flew out of town again...and I found out that he was going to book a flight to go see Jolene, but at the last minute he changed it.
I need to stop this and I need to stop it now...for my own sanity. He is cake eating in a big way. I am not going to reveal to him any longer about the things I know. It doesn't do me any good. If anything I will use the information as a means to keep myself away from him knowing that he is cake eating.
This past weekend he came to our house and stayed with our kids while I flew out of town to visit some friends. The night before he left we went to dinner with our children and then I left and went to my apartment. At 5:30 am in the morning he shows up at my apartment, knocking on the door. He is sick!!! Stupid me lets him in and you know what happens after that. So I ended up going out of town. He took me to the airport and kissed me goodbye in front of our kids. The manipulation continues and no one is to blame but myself. I had him pick me up from the airport and then we went to lunch together...then back to our house. We ended up sleeping together again. Later on he flew out of town again...and I found out that he was going to book a flight to go see Jolene, but at the last minute he changed it.
I need to stop this and I need to stop it now...for my own sanity. He is cake eating in a big way. I am not going to reveal to him any longer about the things I know. It doesn't do me any good. If anything I will use the information as a means to keep myself away from him knowing that he is cake eating.
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Weekend and The Argument
Since my move out on April 1, I have been trying to stay away from Cole. It really feels so much better for me when I don't have to see him or hear about how or what he is doing. It's hard when you have kids, because I know when he is calling my kids...and I try to block it out and go in another room. Just hearing that ring tone on my daughters cell phone can be a buzzkill for me.
Even though in a perfect world, I would like Cole back and for him to come crawling begging for forgiveness and to come back home and change, want counseling etc. I really don't think that is going to happen. I hold out somewhat though. I still think that the person he is now, is someone I don't know. There is someone who has been supporting me through some of this and who actually would be THE perfect husband/family man...and pretty much everything I want. We'll call him Rob. I am not using Rob...I do like talking to him...some days he sets me straight and back on the right road. He knows all about what is going on with Cole and I. Rob and I have not dated, nor have we been together intimately. I believe there was a quick kiss way back in Sept...when I was deeply hurt and confused by what is going on with Cole...I think at the time I was trying to sweep my feelings under a rug and not think about my life. Rob and I do not live in the same state. Some days I think that is really good, because I probably would be in my own affair...but other days I think that I would never do that until I am absolutely 100% done with Cole. Rob is single...there is no wife/girlfriend etc...
Anyway..Rob keeps asking me if he can come visit me...I said yes and then changed my mind and made up a story that Cole wasn't able to keep the kids this weekend. BUT...I made Cole think that I needed him to stay with the kids all weekend because Rob was coming into town. On Friday night, Cole did keep the kids at our home...while I stayed in my apartment. I didn't tell Cole that Rob really wasn't coming, I wanted him to think that I was busy with a new man. I heard absolutely nothing from Cole or kids all night Friday night. I got up Saturday morning and went to work all day. To be continued...
Even though in a perfect world, I would like Cole back and for him to come crawling begging for forgiveness and to come back home and change, want counseling etc. I really don't think that is going to happen. I hold out somewhat though. I still think that the person he is now, is someone I don't know. There is someone who has been supporting me through some of this and who actually would be THE perfect husband/family man...and pretty much everything I want. We'll call him Rob. I am not using Rob...I do like talking to him...some days he sets me straight and back on the right road. He knows all about what is going on with Cole and I. Rob and I have not dated, nor have we been together intimately. I believe there was a quick kiss way back in Sept...when I was deeply hurt and confused by what is going on with Cole...I think at the time I was trying to sweep my feelings under a rug and not think about my life. Rob and I do not live in the same state. Some days I think that is really good, because I probably would be in my own affair...but other days I think that I would never do that until I am absolutely 100% done with Cole. Rob is single...there is no wife/girlfriend etc...
Anyway..Rob keeps asking me if he can come visit me...I said yes and then changed my mind and made up a story that Cole wasn't able to keep the kids this weekend. BUT...I made Cole think that I needed him to stay with the kids all weekend because Rob was coming into town. On Friday night, Cole did keep the kids at our home...while I stayed in my apartment. I didn't tell Cole that Rob really wasn't coming, I wanted him to think that I was busy with a new man. I heard absolutely nothing from Cole or kids all night Friday night. I got up Saturday morning and went to work all day. To be continued...
I have moved out!
Before I do anymore updating of this blog...I need to update real quickly.
I have moved out of our home. I moved out on April 1st, 2011. I couldn't take it anymore...I couldn't take coming home from work and finding Cole in our home, watching TV with our kids like it's no big deal.
I couldn't take his showing up unexpected. I couldn't take that while I am out of town with the kids that he helped himself to come inside our home and check on the dogs, grab whatever it was he needed without permission from myself. I felt like I had no way of keeping him away since we never married and my name was/is not on the mortgage. After 18 years of being with this person I feel like I have no rights whatsoever to keep him away from coming into the house. I have tried, it didn't work. I tried without getting bitchy or LOVEBUSTING him....didn't work...I decided that in order to have MY peace of mind, and my space and MY privacy...that I would go rent a 2 bedroom apartment and so I have.... (sigh)
I have moved out of our home. I moved out on April 1st, 2011. I couldn't take it anymore...I couldn't take coming home from work and finding Cole in our home, watching TV with our kids like it's no big deal.
I couldn't take his showing up unexpected. I couldn't take that while I am out of town with the kids that he helped himself to come inside our home and check on the dogs, grab whatever it was he needed without permission from myself. I felt like I had no way of keeping him away since we never married and my name was/is not on the mortgage. After 18 years of being with this person I feel like I have no rights whatsoever to keep him away from coming into the house. I have tried, it didn't work. I tried without getting bitchy or LOVEBUSTING him....didn't work...I decided that in order to have MY peace of mind, and my space and MY privacy...that I would go rent a 2 bedroom apartment and so I have.... (sigh)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Describing him to "T"
Just found this on the internet. I am amazed...this is Cole exactly!
NARCISSISTIC TRAITS
•Nothing will ever be his fault.
•He'll never be there for you. Ever. No matter what.
•He will always be the 'tragic' victim.
•He will never see you, your need, your love, your pain, your loneliness, your accomplishments. Everything will be about him.
•His way or the highway.
•He'll never, ever admit being wrong.
•He'll be angry with you every single day.
•Silent treatments and neglect can and do go on for several weeks at a time, especially if you point out one of his flaws.
•When you finally leave, he'll invent stories about you.
•While you do everything possible for your relationship; he'll do nothing.
•You'll start to feel like you are a 100-years-old.
NARCISSISTIC TRAITS
•Nothing will ever be his fault.
•He'll never be there for you. Ever. No matter what.
•He will always be the 'tragic' victim.
•He will never see you, your need, your love, your pain, your loneliness, your accomplishments. Everything will be about him.
•His way or the highway.
•He'll never, ever admit being wrong.
•He'll be angry with you every single day.
•Silent treatments and neglect can and do go on for several weeks at a time, especially if you point out one of his flaws.
•When you finally leave, he'll invent stories about you.
•While you do everything possible for your relationship; he'll do nothing.
•You'll start to feel like you are a 100-years-old.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Words out of HIS mouth....as he spoke them to me.
Just had to write some of this down...these were things said by Cole to myself.
- I don't know what I want.
- I need both of you in my life.
- I am so fucked up.
- I am emotionally exhausted.
- I do love you.
- I'm afraid of you.
- I don't have a problem being around you.
- I will always love you.
- You will always have a place in my heart.
- We don't have anything in common anyway.
- I don't like you.
- There are things about you that I despise.
- I resent you.
- I'm jealous of you.
- You think my coming around is just to see the kids, when it really has alot to do with you too.
- I really am the happiest when I am with all of you (my family).
- I'm a failure.
- You have a family (with tears rolling down his face).
- You know how I get when you corner me.
- No, I don't love her.
- I don't know what love is.
- I don't believe in Love or Relationships, it's a bunch of bullshit!
- At times I think I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
- It was a small setback (when busted at the airport with OW)
- I sincerely can't see myself without you in my life and continue to cry.
- I've opened the door to the scariest nightmare I can imagine, not having MY family!
- Don't be mad at me
- It really isn't about the sex (with OW)
- I really only crave the interaction and perfectly happy with just texts or phone conversation with her.
- She's just a friend.
- She boosts my self esteem.
- She really is the only friend I have.
- I just want to take my dog and run away up into the mountains.
- I thought I was doing better.
- I really want you all to be happy.
- It's about a feeling I get when I am around you.
- Your flowers cost more than hers.
- No, I don't remember if hers were red roses or not. (they were).
- All I have been trying to do is be nice and generous.
- Everyone is mad at me!
- All I'm getting is abuse (talking about emails sent to him from his family--myself and his daughters regarding the affair)
- When I fuck up the way I have, I honestly get physically sick.
- The hair stands up on the back of my neck when I see everyone on Facebook encourage you to go out and hook-up.
- I fucking hate Facebook.
- This is not about what you do though.
- Me coming up with bullshit to justify my actions is ridiculous!
- Maybe it's easier to start a new relationship with someone than it is to repair the old one.
- She doesn't like when I'm around you.
- I told her that you are the kids mother so of course you were going to be there.
- I know I haven't been there for you like I should have been in the past.
- I have been a terrible boyfriend.
- I don't know that I am in love with her.
- I won't have a miserable time (in Costa Rica) but I will be thinking about you guys the entire time!
- I think I get enjoyment out of her company.
- I really do connect with her on an intellectual level.
- Families require love.
- I think you are an incredible person.
- Believe me, I have been doing lots of soul searching.
- Telling someone you love them after sex, is a piss poor barometer of true feelings. It's an intimate setting and shit gets said, but it can be meaningless.
- I certainly didn't want to bring everyone down.
- I feel like I'm in limbo
- It's none of your business.
- It's not about you or her, it's about me.
- This is 100% my fault..
- The love I feel for her is different than the love I have for you.
- I would be sad if you were out of my life completely.
- Are you really willing to put up with my unfaithfulness because I don't think I could ever be faithful to you..
- I am depressed but I don't want to seek help, it's what keeps driving me to get myself out of debt.
- Once my financial situation is fixed, I will work on my personal life.
- I do love you, I just don't love the relationship we had.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
This is WHY I am leaving him for good.
I am sitting at home on a Friday night, with a sick 14 year old. She has been running a high fever for 2 days now, she says she can't breathe out of her nose very well, feels like she might throw up and has a sore throat. The heat is broken in our house, so it's cold in here. I came home last Sunday to find that the heat was not turning itself off and going up higher and higher on the thermostat. When I called Cole to let him know it was not working, all he could say to me was "turn the breakers off." So I did.
So here we sit in a cold house with sick child while Cole is off in Costa Rica with his 63 year old "sugar mama" having a grand ol' time. We have 3 bathrooms in our house, where only 1 toilet is working. There is a leak in the roof in the master bedroom (dry now) but you can see the water stain. The ice maker in the freezer has seized up, the aquarium needs to be cleaned again and it's hard to lift and the pool pump is clogged up. Sounds like we live in a shack, but we live in a nice 2 story home. You would think we were white trash with how our home is falling apart...while Cole is sipping wine beach side with his heiress. Nice!!
Wanted to post this so that I can come back to it and remember what it was like the week he went to Costa Rica with her. Can't wait to leave him in the dust.
So here we sit in a cold house with sick child while Cole is off in Costa Rica with his 63 year old "sugar mama" having a grand ol' time. We have 3 bathrooms in our house, where only 1 toilet is working. There is a leak in the roof in the master bedroom (dry now) but you can see the water stain. The ice maker in the freezer has seized up, the aquarium needs to be cleaned again and it's hard to lift and the pool pump is clogged up. Sounds like we live in a shack, but we live in a nice 2 story home. You would think we were white trash with how our home is falling apart...while Cole is sipping wine beach side with his heiress. Nice!!
Wanted to post this so that I can come back to it and remember what it was like the week he went to Costa Rica with her. Can't wait to leave him in the dust.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Written by a daughter, to her father
Costa Rica Dad? Are you kidding me? When were you planning on telling me? You can't even go on a cruise with YOUR daughters but you have no problem with going on vacation with your OLD hag. And if you are spending time with her family along with this little trip i will be so heartbroken you have no idea.This is strike 3 for me dad. I can not stand having you go behind my back and doing stuff like this. Why haven't you told me? Huh? You most likely won't even reply to this because you like to run from all your problems even when they happen to be with your daughter. Now i understand 100% why mom wants to move out, and honestly dad i can't wait. I always thought that since you worked out of town while we were younger you would want to come home and spend time with your daughters any time you could but no, instead you go to Costa Rica what the heck is up with that? I really wish you would open your eyes and realize what you are losing. You have a perfect home, 3 daughters that love you with everything they got even though you are crushing our hearts little by little, a grandson who needs a grandpa, you had a woman who would do anything for you and that loves you more then anything, a home, dogs, and you are finally getting back to where you want with work. So why are you throwing it all away for some cougar. I don't care how good of a person you say she is, because to me she is the most hideous, awful person that ever walked this planet. what kind of sick person would want to split up a family. I want you to be happy, but i will NEVER in a million billion years accept her. She has torn our family apart completely. Also, I hate hearing you blame mom for all of this, and blaming my decisions on her. What I say is what i say no one else, no one can put words in my mouth. All my decisions, and reasoning for all of this are 100% mine. not moms, not my sisters, no ones. everything has been based on YOUR actions. i wish you would really think about my sister and i for one minute through all of this. how much this is affecting us. but no, you are off in another island running from your problems instead of cleaning up your mess here first. isnt family supposed to come first? along with that you are breaking down one of the strongest most beautiful woman in my life. and it kills me that you would do such a thing to such an amazing mother. until youu have really thought this through dont worry about talking to me or seeing me. i honestly don't want to see you. im sick of the lying, and going behind MY back. you really need to set your priority's straight dad. you are supposed to be someone i look up to but i really have NO IDEA who you even are anymore. what happened to the fun loving guy that i called my daddy, the only person i look forward to seeing on the weekends, the only man who was never supposed to make me cry. i miss him more then anything right now, and i need him back in my life as soon as possible. i hope and pray every night that this nightmare will end but instead your lying makes it worse and worse each day. dont think for a second that i don't love you because i do more than anything.
and if that old stupid hag is reading this as well: first, i am extremely disappointed with you dad for letting that thing see this and second, i hope she knows how rotten of a person she is. i have never had so much hate towards one person.
please come around sooner or later, i miss my "dad" more then anything.
love T
and if that old stupid hag is reading this as well: first, i am extremely disappointed with you dad for letting that thing see this and second, i hope she knows how rotten of a person she is. i have never had so much hate towards one person.
please come around sooner or later, i miss my "dad" more then anything.
love T
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Some things just never change......
So I will try to update this blog in 3 parts...this will be the first part.
Part 1
Sept. 2010 Labor Day weekend to be exact....Cole walked through my door with bags in hand and had just ended the affair with Jolene. He had been crying and did not come into my "open arms." In fact, he avoided the hell out of me. Days went by and I figured I would just leave him alone. Nothing I could do or say was going to help matters. I figured he was in withdrawal from his drug. I had read book after book about how to deal with this situation and those books told me that I would need to stay clear until the fog lifts. Fog started to somewhat lift by the 8th day after the breakup. Unfortunately, I think the only reason the fog lifted was because he started calling her again behind my back and shooting out a text here and there. Basically he was shooting up his heroin behind my back and it was making him happy, he was getting his fix.
I didn't tell him that I knew. I let it go...I bit my tongue...wow that really killed me. But my books kept saying, give him time to go through the withdrawal. It was probably during the 3rd week of his homecoming, that we really started to connect again. Because he works of state so much, we began to IM(instant message) each other via Skype. It was easier than texting each other on small phone keyboards. He would say "good morning!!" and I would send back happy faces and little emoticons. Ah, how I had waited for these moments to come back. He truly acted happy to talk to me. I was so overjoyed. Although I knew he was still texting HoBag...I didn't ever mention it. We were getting along great!! No fighting, fog was lifting, no mention of Jolene...life was good.
The rest of the week went pretty good...daily chit chats...rebuilding a connection. By Thursday of that week..I was feeling a little bit better about his coming home and decided to let him know that I would not be able to pick him up at the airport Friday night when he flew home from work. I explained that I had told a friend, months ago when we were apart that I would go to concert with her at the fair. He told me that it wasn't a big deal and that he would take a cab home. I went to the concert and had an awesome time with my friend, and was a little surprised that the concert ended earlier than I thought. I was still in such a good mood...that I decided to stop at the airport on the way home (since it really was right by where I was) and surprise Cole and pick him up at the airport afterall. Once I got to the airport, I realized I might have missed his plane coming in since I was 15 minutes late and his plane supposedly had already arrived. I kept calling my kids at home to see if he had arrived home already...My kids informed me that he had not. So I decided to wait and see if he might be on the next plane. Keep in mind that this whole time, I was NOT suspicious in the least bit. I did not instantly think he was up to no good. I believed in him once again, because he made the decision to come home to me and the kids. I thought to myself, "there is no way he would go to all that trouble to break up with Jolene and try to work it out between him and I if he really didn't want to." So I sat down in the waiting area and waited for the next plane to come in. If he wasn't on that plane then I would go home and try to figure out what happened to him. As I'm sitting there messing with my cell phone, I notice lots of people coming out of security. A plane has landed....I stay seated and wait to see if he is on that plane. I am really happy and excited to see him and surprise him. As I'm looking through the faces in the crowd, I spot Cole....with Jolene....coming through security....hand in hand. My first instinct was to jump up and run around the corner so that he cannot see me sitting there like an idiot waiting for him.
My heart is pounding a mile a minute...I have no idea what to do. I see them walk down into baggage claim, still holding hands. I decide to confront...and make this good. I run up behind them, and grab the back of Cole's hair, hard! I whip him around and he looks like some stranger just grabbed him from behind. The look in his eyes was fear! I said to him "What the fuck are you doing?" I was furious. He then grabbed me by both arms and proceeded to try to push me out of baggage claim to the outside area. I refused to have him hold onto me like that and I started getting louder and louder, "Let go of me!!" He finally released me and we started arguing about what he was doing with her! So as we are having it out, Jolene comes walking over and proceeds to get into it with me. She has the nerve to ask me what it "is" that I want with Cole? Are you kidding me?? I want you to stay the fuck away from my family....this lady has not conscience. She doesn't care one bit that she is hurting a family and the children involved. She only cares about herself and Cole only cares about himself....selfish!!!
Part 2:
At that point I flipped out on both of them standing there in their little affair world. I told Cole to go ahead and go home with 62 year old grandma. He looked like he was going to cry. I could tell he was in pain about what had just happened in the airport. I didn't care. He went ahead and went home with her and I went home to my kids. The minute I walked in the door, my kids faces went from happy and excited to see their dad, to "where's dad, why isn't he with you?" and then explaining to these 2 beautiful teenagers what just happened (God I am getting tears in my eyes recalling this and it was 6 mos ago!!) Anyway...they were both really upset and started crying. These girls were 14 and 15 at the time...then they both took their cell phones and sent their dad a text about how disappointed they were in him. I had nothing to do with it, other than telling them what had occured at the airport. My older daughter let me read his texts that he was sending, he says "I tried to work it out with your mother and it just wasnt working?" REALLY?? You tried?? WHEN??? You tried when 2 days after you came home you started texting the OW behind my back again. No you didn't try...you didn't try once. Don't convince yourself you tried when you never did.
So Sunday, 2 days after aiport incident....guess who texts me to ask if it's okay if he can come in the house to see the girls. Stupid me said yes (I was at work). I believe this is where I messed up, at this point...I should have changed the locks and kept him out from here on out. I wished I had done this..but I didn't...Read part 3...it gets worse.
Part 3:
On Monday, following airport day.....
I get a very remorseful email from Cole...
He says he wants to talk to me, says he screwed up...it was a small setback..that he really was happy with his decision. He wanted to talk to me!! Out of the whole affair, I have never had this man wanting to talk to ME! It was always ME wanting to talk to HIM. I didn't want to give him the time of day and shouldn't have...but the weak person in me...let him talk...and oh boy did he talk. He talked his way back home.
By the following weekend, he was back in our home. He had told me that he loves spending the holidays with his family...that he misses how I make the holidays special for our family and all the little things I do. I told him that Halloween would not be the same without him carving the pumpkins in the garage with the kids while I get candy ready for trick or treaters...and build our little cemetary that we put in the front yard with dry ice, a cauldron and cob webs all over the front door. (Halloween is my favorite holiday). We even had a halloween party planned to go to this year. We had a great time even though Cole was sick. At the party I didn't stick to his side, I let him go off with the men to BS and I hung with the hostess and then we went on a hay ride through the neighborhood and watched the kids trick or treat...it was fun.
Once we arrived home that night, I was shocked to hear the next words out of his mouth. He said he needed to go back over to Jolene's house to put her trash out for her while she was out of town. WHAT?? Okay wait a second, you need to do what?? and then WHY?? This is where I should have changed my mind about letting him come home. He said he told her he would and that he also wanted to grab some of his stuff. I said "whatever" and he went.
Somehow I knew things had not changed. All through November he was still talking to her. In fact...he wasn't only just talking to her...he hadn't told her that it was OVER between them! He actually told me that he couldn't end it with her "yet" because her brother was in the hospital "dying" and it just wouldn't be right to bring that on her while she was grieveing over her brother. At first I bought into that..."Ya you're right,that is horrible...okay so wait till her brother gets better or dies or what?? Then you'll tell her it's over??" That went on a few weeks, brother was still in the hospital...still in grave conditon...and Cole telling me "I still can't break it to her, but I will....soon" and then he says to me "Let me do it MY WAY okay?" Her brother ended up dying in December of 2011 and Cole never did end it with Jolene. In fact, after her brother passed away...then he said he couldn't end it with her because he needed to be there for her since her brother passed away.
We got through the rest of November...had a great Thanksgiving...
Got through December and Christmas. I remember Christmas being fun...watching my little grandson climb the mountain of presents. I tried to plan date nights with Cole, he was not really interested in doing anything with me. I'm sure he was seeing Jolene behind my back. New Years Eve the girls and I picked him up at the airport and we had kind of a boring New Years Eve night...I think he stayed up to midnight with us...but went to bed shortly after.
In January, well let's say mid January...I don't really remember anything bad happening with us....we just weren't moving forward because Jolene was still very much a part of him and in this "triangle" with us. I really didn't bring it up too much, trying to get our lives back to normal. Cole stayed in town this one particular week to attend a class here in our town for his job. He got up at 4:30 am and said he was going to the gym and then never came home...his class started at 8 am, so I felt like there was too big of a window of his missing in action to go to the gym that early and not start class till 8. I started calling him at 7 am...he never did answer his phone till about 7:45 am where upon he told me that he went to the gym on the other side of town near his class, showered and changed for his class then to class....Um, ya....I don't think so. I accused him of being with Jolene...well she lives right by the class location...how convenient...and he denied, denied, denied. That was the last time Cole was home. He never came back into our home. He never said one word to me, just never came back...well he came back to see the kids...but left his clothing here, his shoes...and just decided he had had enough of the accusations (which were probably spot on) and didn't want to live like this always having to report his whereabouts and he was done...end of story.
It is now April 18, 2011 and I have updated in this one particular post, up until now.
Cole and Jolene are "back on" as I knew they were anyway...who was I kidding by thinking he wanted his family back. It was a FALSE RECOVERY...I have since learned what that means. He went with her to Costa Rica and blew off myself and my girls on a Carnival Cruise that we went on only 1 week before Costa Rica...He had been invited to go and declined on both me and his girls, chose Costa Rica instead.
While he was in Costa Rica, I went and rented an apartment and started moving out...Cole was not happy about that...
Part 1
Sept. 2010 Labor Day weekend to be exact....Cole walked through my door with bags in hand and had just ended the affair with Jolene. He had been crying and did not come into my "open arms." In fact, he avoided the hell out of me. Days went by and I figured I would just leave him alone. Nothing I could do or say was going to help matters. I figured he was in withdrawal from his drug. I had read book after book about how to deal with this situation and those books told me that I would need to stay clear until the fog lifts. Fog started to somewhat lift by the 8th day after the breakup. Unfortunately, I think the only reason the fog lifted was because he started calling her again behind my back and shooting out a text here and there. Basically he was shooting up his heroin behind my back and it was making him happy, he was getting his fix.
I didn't tell him that I knew. I let it go...I bit my tongue...wow that really killed me. But my books kept saying, give him time to go through the withdrawal. It was probably during the 3rd week of his homecoming, that we really started to connect again. Because he works of state so much, we began to IM(instant message) each other via Skype. It was easier than texting each other on small phone keyboards. He would say "good morning!!" and I would send back happy faces and little emoticons. Ah, how I had waited for these moments to come back. He truly acted happy to talk to me. I was so overjoyed. Although I knew he was still texting HoBag...I didn't ever mention it. We were getting along great!! No fighting, fog was lifting, no mention of Jolene...life was good.
The rest of the week went pretty good...daily chit chats...rebuilding a connection. By Thursday of that week..I was feeling a little bit better about his coming home and decided to let him know that I would not be able to pick him up at the airport Friday night when he flew home from work. I explained that I had told a friend, months ago when we were apart that I would go to concert with her at the fair. He told me that it wasn't a big deal and that he would take a cab home. I went to the concert and had an awesome time with my friend, and was a little surprised that the concert ended earlier than I thought. I was still in such a good mood...that I decided to stop at the airport on the way home (since it really was right by where I was) and surprise Cole and pick him up at the airport afterall. Once I got to the airport, I realized I might have missed his plane coming in since I was 15 minutes late and his plane supposedly had already arrived. I kept calling my kids at home to see if he had arrived home already...My kids informed me that he had not. So I decided to wait and see if he might be on the next plane. Keep in mind that this whole time, I was NOT suspicious in the least bit. I did not instantly think he was up to no good. I believed in him once again, because he made the decision to come home to me and the kids. I thought to myself, "there is no way he would go to all that trouble to break up with Jolene and try to work it out between him and I if he really didn't want to." So I sat down in the waiting area and waited for the next plane to come in. If he wasn't on that plane then I would go home and try to figure out what happened to him. As I'm sitting there messing with my cell phone, I notice lots of people coming out of security. A plane has landed....I stay seated and wait to see if he is on that plane. I am really happy and excited to see him and surprise him. As I'm looking through the faces in the crowd, I spot Cole....with Jolene....coming through security....hand in hand. My first instinct was to jump up and run around the corner so that he cannot see me sitting there like an idiot waiting for him.
My heart is pounding a mile a minute...I have no idea what to do. I see them walk down into baggage claim, still holding hands. I decide to confront...and make this good. I run up behind them, and grab the back of Cole's hair, hard! I whip him around and he looks like some stranger just grabbed him from behind. The look in his eyes was fear! I said to him "What the fuck are you doing?" I was furious. He then grabbed me by both arms and proceeded to try to push me out of baggage claim to the outside area. I refused to have him hold onto me like that and I started getting louder and louder, "Let go of me!!" He finally released me and we started arguing about what he was doing with her! So as we are having it out, Jolene comes walking over and proceeds to get into it with me. She has the nerve to ask me what it "is" that I want with Cole? Are you kidding me?? I want you to stay the fuck away from my family....this lady has not conscience. She doesn't care one bit that she is hurting a family and the children involved. She only cares about herself and Cole only cares about himself....selfish!!!
Part 2:
At that point I flipped out on both of them standing there in their little affair world. I told Cole to go ahead and go home with 62 year old grandma. He looked like he was going to cry. I could tell he was in pain about what had just happened in the airport. I didn't care. He went ahead and went home with her and I went home to my kids. The minute I walked in the door, my kids faces went from happy and excited to see their dad, to "where's dad, why isn't he with you?" and then explaining to these 2 beautiful teenagers what just happened (God I am getting tears in my eyes recalling this and it was 6 mos ago!!) Anyway...they were both really upset and started crying. These girls were 14 and 15 at the time...then they both took their cell phones and sent their dad a text about how disappointed they were in him. I had nothing to do with it, other than telling them what had occured at the airport. My older daughter let me read his texts that he was sending, he says "I tried to work it out with your mother and it just wasnt working?" REALLY?? You tried?? WHEN??? You tried when 2 days after you came home you started texting the OW behind my back again. No you didn't try...you didn't try once. Don't convince yourself you tried when you never did.
So Sunday, 2 days after aiport incident....guess who texts me to ask if it's okay if he can come in the house to see the girls. Stupid me said yes (I was at work). I believe this is where I messed up, at this point...I should have changed the locks and kept him out from here on out. I wished I had done this..but I didn't...Read part 3...it gets worse.
Part 3:
On Monday, following airport day.....
I get a very remorseful email from Cole...
He says he wants to talk to me, says he screwed up...it was a small setback..that he really was happy with his decision. He wanted to talk to me!! Out of the whole affair, I have never had this man wanting to talk to ME! It was always ME wanting to talk to HIM. I didn't want to give him the time of day and shouldn't have...but the weak person in me...let him talk...and oh boy did he talk. He talked his way back home.
By the following weekend, he was back in our home. He had told me that he loves spending the holidays with his family...that he misses how I make the holidays special for our family and all the little things I do. I told him that Halloween would not be the same without him carving the pumpkins in the garage with the kids while I get candy ready for trick or treaters...and build our little cemetary that we put in the front yard with dry ice, a cauldron and cob webs all over the front door. (Halloween is my favorite holiday). We even had a halloween party planned to go to this year. We had a great time even though Cole was sick. At the party I didn't stick to his side, I let him go off with the men to BS and I hung with the hostess and then we went on a hay ride through the neighborhood and watched the kids trick or treat...it was fun.
Once we arrived home that night, I was shocked to hear the next words out of his mouth. He said he needed to go back over to Jolene's house to put her trash out for her while she was out of town. WHAT?? Okay wait a second, you need to do what?? and then WHY?? This is where I should have changed my mind about letting him come home. He said he told her he would and that he also wanted to grab some of his stuff. I said "whatever" and he went.
Somehow I knew things had not changed. All through November he was still talking to her. In fact...he wasn't only just talking to her...he hadn't told her that it was OVER between them! He actually told me that he couldn't end it with her "yet" because her brother was in the hospital "dying" and it just wouldn't be right to bring that on her while she was grieveing over her brother. At first I bought into that..."Ya you're right,that is horrible...okay so wait till her brother gets better or dies or what?? Then you'll tell her it's over??" That went on a few weeks, brother was still in the hospital...still in grave conditon...and Cole telling me "I still can't break it to her, but I will....soon" and then he says to me "Let me do it MY WAY okay?" Her brother ended up dying in December of 2011 and Cole never did end it with Jolene. In fact, after her brother passed away...then he said he couldn't end it with her because he needed to be there for her since her brother passed away.
We got through the rest of November...had a great Thanksgiving...
Got through December and Christmas. I remember Christmas being fun...watching my little grandson climb the mountain of presents. I tried to plan date nights with Cole, he was not really interested in doing anything with me. I'm sure he was seeing Jolene behind my back. New Years Eve the girls and I picked him up at the airport and we had kind of a boring New Years Eve night...I think he stayed up to midnight with us...but went to bed shortly after.
In January, well let's say mid January...I don't really remember anything bad happening with us....we just weren't moving forward because Jolene was still very much a part of him and in this "triangle" with us. I really didn't bring it up too much, trying to get our lives back to normal. Cole stayed in town this one particular week to attend a class here in our town for his job. He got up at 4:30 am and said he was going to the gym and then never came home...his class started at 8 am, so I felt like there was too big of a window of his missing in action to go to the gym that early and not start class till 8. I started calling him at 7 am...he never did answer his phone till about 7:45 am where upon he told me that he went to the gym on the other side of town near his class, showered and changed for his class then to class....Um, ya....I don't think so. I accused him of being with Jolene...well she lives right by the class location...how convenient...and he denied, denied, denied. That was the last time Cole was home. He never came back into our home. He never said one word to me, just never came back...well he came back to see the kids...but left his clothing here, his shoes...and just decided he had had enough of the accusations (which were probably spot on) and didn't want to live like this always having to report his whereabouts and he was done...end of story.
It is now April 18, 2011 and I have updated in this one particular post, up until now.
Cole and Jolene are "back on" as I knew they were anyway...who was I kidding by thinking he wanted his family back. It was a FALSE RECOVERY...I have since learned what that means. He went with her to Costa Rica and blew off myself and my girls on a Carnival Cruise that we went on only 1 week before Costa Rica...He had been invited to go and declined on both me and his girls, chose Costa Rica instead.
While he was in Costa Rica, I went and rented an apartment and started moving out...Cole was not happy about that...
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wow, some big changes...but not really for the better (sigh)
Well unfortunately I did not keep up my blog writing like I had planned. A few months have gone by and some things have changed. I will start off by saying, that Cole is back home....came home on his own pretty much. Is it back to the way I had wanted it to be, no...not by any means. Do I think he is still pining away for his affair partner, Jolene? Yes...I do....and I had to prove that to myself even though I told myself I would not check up on him. Let's go back a little to the time before he came home. I asked him repeatedly, "if you come back home, you will have to stop the Jolene thing..that means no more calls, no more texts, no more emails, no more communication." He told me he would, "IF" he made that decision to move back home...at the time we talked about this, he was still on the fence about what he wanted, her or me. We even sat at my work, alone and discussed the 'what if's' about if he came home as opposed to if he stayed with her...how would it be, how would it work etc. I knew back then, that trying to get as much information about how our relationship would have to go would be essential to me,.because I knew that if he did come home...he would clam up and never talk about us anymore..and I was right.
Let me say some things about Jolene that he has told me...apparently they were fighting..alot. Mostly over how he felt about me. One night she had asked him if he was planning on coming home and he didn't answer her right away and she just jumped all over him saying "why the hell would you even think about going back?"..and then when he said "did I say that I was going back?" it just escalated into a much bigger fight. He had told me that she drank 6 beers to his 1, was pretty drunk and once the fight got going (in a restaurant of all places) that he told the bartender to bring him 2 more Crowns...guess the honeymoon was over that night. They took the fight home where he accidentally called her by my name...guess that didn't go over to well with her. At that time, he was stuck staying at her home. She had picked him up at the airport that weekend, and so he had no vehicle to drive (other than hers) and she was 30 miles from where I live with his children...so he said he just went to bed. There was another weekend where he let me pick him up from the airport, which was kind of out of the blue (being as though Jolene thought she had rights to picking him up every weekend and his staying with her)...and on that weekend, we ended up going to dinner with the kids and then he had me drop him off at one of his buddies houses to spend the night over there...at that time, he still wasn't ready to come home.
Let me say some things about Jolene that he has told me...apparently they were fighting..alot. Mostly over how he felt about me. One night she had asked him if he was planning on coming home and he didn't answer her right away and she just jumped all over him saying "why the hell would you even think about going back?"..and then when he said "did I say that I was going back?" it just escalated into a much bigger fight. He had told me that she drank 6 beers to his 1, was pretty drunk and once the fight got going (in a restaurant of all places) that he told the bartender to bring him 2 more Crowns...guess the honeymoon was over that night. They took the fight home where he accidentally called her by my name...guess that didn't go over to well with her. At that time, he was stuck staying at her home. She had picked him up at the airport that weekend, and so he had no vehicle to drive (other than hers) and she was 30 miles from where I live with his children...so he said he just went to bed. There was another weekend where he let me pick him up from the airport, which was kind of out of the blue (being as though Jolene thought she had rights to picking him up every weekend and his staying with her)...and on that weekend, we ended up going to dinner with the kids and then he had me drop him off at one of his buddies houses to spend the night over there...at that time, he still wasn't ready to come home.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Not doing so good today.....
I have been crying ALL day...My eyes look horrible. I am having a really really bad day.
Ya, so we are doing this no contact thing. I was getting my hopes up way to soon I think. For some reason, I thought he was just thinking about me all the time...and was hoping that he was doing some super soul searching about us as a couple and really see what he could be potentially losing. His family??!! I knew that Jolene was still in the picture, but I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe that he wasn't seeing her as much as I thought he was. I don't know...at any rate...I went out to dinner after work with some friends...and we were having such a great meal...when I decided to check Cole's email from my cell phone. I don't do it that often, but I am able to log in as him with his username and password that he doesn't know that I have.
So I see this email and it's from Jolene...they are pictures of them together. It looks like it was at some bar with friends and family with them. Someone must have jumped up to take their picture because it's just of them two with his arms around her, bear-hug style. Like he is behind her with his arms pulled clear around her and her hands holding onto his arm. They look like they are in love. I am ready to puke. I have already dry heaved a couple of times today and have ate nothing. Why is this affecting me so bad? You know what it is? It's the look in his eyes, the sparkle, the smile, so big and so happy. We took pictures last week (before the no contact) while on 4th of July with me and the kids and Cole and he didn't have that smile. He didn't even smile like that with his kids! He sure as hell didn't smile like that with me in the picture either. So upon seeing those pictures, I couldn't wait to get home. I was way drunk from my two Tipsy Turtles at dinner, and I just got on the phone and called him...and proceeded to break the no contact.
I wake him up...he is staying at his mothers house. I say to him, "how sweet that picture is of you and Jolene with your arms around her, you look like you're in love!!" so he says "it was just a picture", and I said "but no, you look really happy"...it went from bad to worse...I was so angry...I told him to forget the 3 mos no contact deal...that I didn't want to do it anymore that I would rather just break up for good and be done with this and quit telling myself that it was going to work in my favor in 3 mos. Who am I kidding here?? I honestly had this thing that in 3 mos he would get his shit together and figure out that he missed me and wanted me back and would come to me and beg for me to take him back. I watch way too many movies. "The Family Man" being one of them lately. He also told me that he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore...that was like a knife to the chest...and he also said that he and Jolene were going to stop trying to hide the fact that they are a couple and just be out in the open in front of friends, family etc. Doesn't sound like the 3 mos no contact was going to work out for me. I mentioned that to him and he said, "you don't know that.."
Anyway...so I scream at him to just forget about us, don't worry I will find someone else....I will never go back to him or back with him and that he blew it. I then proceeded to text Jolene and give her a little info on our last tryst we had over the 4th of July. 3 times we did it honey!! I said to her, and also mentioned how we were together over Fathers Day weekend. I knew it would backfire on me, but couldn't resist telling her to break up her little world of how great she thinks he is.
The next morning, which is today....I felt horrible. I for one, didn't sleep much...last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30 am and I wasn't able to sleep very well at all. I finally got up at 6 am and texted one of my good friends, who can't STAND Cole. I knew she would talk me out of feeling the way I do about him. And she did...we talked for almost 90 min. she kept saying, "why do you want a man that will do this to you??" "You have to love yourself so that you won't allow anyone to do this to you"....I agreed with her...and after our conversation I went and took a shower. When I came down from the shower, I couldn't help it. I called him. Stupid me. I wanted to know how his day was going (I am psycho)...he was not in a good mood. A little pissy more like it. He said "not good, you know how my day is going" Hmmm, so she got her text. I played stupid a little and said, "I didn't tell her that much" He says, "Oh I saw what you sent her, she fwd'ed it to me" Whatever....so now she is mad at him, and she should be. His whole world should just be turned upside down and stomped on. Do you know this man, was teary when he says "I'm just trying to make everybody happy?" You've got to be fucking kidding me. Really? How is it that you are making everyone happy. By messing with heads, playing head games...he needs help. I wanted him to TELL me to leave him alone. He won't...he says "he can't, cause he's not sure if that is what he wants". Boo Hoo...really??? Of course I cried alot during the conversation. It's so emotional for me because I feel like the sane one in all this...and I really think we do need counseling, but not with the other woman in the picture. He won't dump her either for whatever reason. Claims he likes her and enjoys her conversation. Oh and probably her Double D fake boobs too. So I did ask him if he wanted to try the going to 3 mos no contact again, and he said that I already broke it. Ya I did...crap. So I asked him where are we now?? He said he didn't know....he cried alot during all this. As usual, I did ALL the talking. I asked him again if he was in love with her and he still says NO. Then silence....and he says, I can try to let go of you. I said "really, is that what you want?" He didn't say yes, but he didn't say no...he just repeated...I will work on letting go of you. I am SOOOOOOOOO screwed up over this. Why can't I just erase my memories of him and be done. My eyes hurt sooo bad. I looke like I have an eye problem cause my eyes are so red. This really sucks and I really don't know what will happen now. Guess he goes to try to win Jolene back and I do nothing but sit in our home and wonder why he doesn't want his family back.
Ya, so we are doing this no contact thing. I was getting my hopes up way to soon I think. For some reason, I thought he was just thinking about me all the time...and was hoping that he was doing some super soul searching about us as a couple and really see what he could be potentially losing. His family??!! I knew that Jolene was still in the picture, but I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe that he wasn't seeing her as much as I thought he was. I don't know...at any rate...I went out to dinner after work with some friends...and we were having such a great meal...when I decided to check Cole's email from my cell phone. I don't do it that often, but I am able to log in as him with his username and password that he doesn't know that I have.
So I see this email and it's from Jolene...they are pictures of them together. It looks like it was at some bar with friends and family with them. Someone must have jumped up to take their picture because it's just of them two with his arms around her, bear-hug style. Like he is behind her with his arms pulled clear around her and her hands holding onto his arm. They look like they are in love. I am ready to puke. I have already dry heaved a couple of times today and have ate nothing. Why is this affecting me so bad? You know what it is? It's the look in his eyes, the sparkle, the smile, so big and so happy. We took pictures last week (before the no contact) while on 4th of July with me and the kids and Cole and he didn't have that smile. He didn't even smile like that with his kids! He sure as hell didn't smile like that with me in the picture either. So upon seeing those pictures, I couldn't wait to get home. I was way drunk from my two Tipsy Turtles at dinner, and I just got on the phone and called him...and proceeded to break the no contact.
I wake him up...he is staying at his mothers house. I say to him, "how sweet that picture is of you and Jolene with your arms around her, you look like you're in love!!" so he says "it was just a picture", and I said "but no, you look really happy"...it went from bad to worse...I was so angry...I told him to forget the 3 mos no contact deal...that I didn't want to do it anymore that I would rather just break up for good and be done with this and quit telling myself that it was going to work in my favor in 3 mos. Who am I kidding here?? I honestly had this thing that in 3 mos he would get his shit together and figure out that he missed me and wanted me back and would come to me and beg for me to take him back. I watch way too many movies. "The Family Man" being one of them lately. He also told me that he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore...that was like a knife to the chest...and he also said that he and Jolene were going to stop trying to hide the fact that they are a couple and just be out in the open in front of friends, family etc. Doesn't sound like the 3 mos no contact was going to work out for me. I mentioned that to him and he said, "you don't know that.."
Anyway...so I scream at him to just forget about us, don't worry I will find someone else....I will never go back to him or back with him and that he blew it. I then proceeded to text Jolene and give her a little info on our last tryst we had over the 4th of July. 3 times we did it honey!! I said to her, and also mentioned how we were together over Fathers Day weekend. I knew it would backfire on me, but couldn't resist telling her to break up her little world of how great she thinks he is.
The next morning, which is today....I felt horrible. I for one, didn't sleep much...last time I looked at the clock it was 3:30 am and I wasn't able to sleep very well at all. I finally got up at 6 am and texted one of my good friends, who can't STAND Cole. I knew she would talk me out of feeling the way I do about him. And she did...we talked for almost 90 min. she kept saying, "why do you want a man that will do this to you??" "You have to love yourself so that you won't allow anyone to do this to you"....I agreed with her...and after our conversation I went and took a shower. When I came down from the shower, I couldn't help it. I called him. Stupid me. I wanted to know how his day was going (I am psycho)...he was not in a good mood. A little pissy more like it. He said "not good, you know how my day is going" Hmmm, so she got her text. I played stupid a little and said, "I didn't tell her that much" He says, "Oh I saw what you sent her, she fwd'ed it to me" Whatever....so now she is mad at him, and she should be. His whole world should just be turned upside down and stomped on. Do you know this man, was teary when he says "I'm just trying to make everybody happy?" You've got to be fucking kidding me. Really? How is it that you are making everyone happy. By messing with heads, playing head games...he needs help. I wanted him to TELL me to leave him alone. He won't...he says "he can't, cause he's not sure if that is what he wants". Boo Hoo...really??? Of course I cried alot during the conversation. It's so emotional for me because I feel like the sane one in all this...and I really think we do need counseling, but not with the other woman in the picture. He won't dump her either for whatever reason. Claims he likes her and enjoys her conversation. Oh and probably her Double D fake boobs too. So I did ask him if he wanted to try the going to 3 mos no contact again, and he said that I already broke it. Ya I did...crap. So I asked him where are we now?? He said he didn't know....he cried alot during all this. As usual, I did ALL the talking. I asked him again if he was in love with her and he still says NO. Then silence....and he says, I can try to let go of you. I said "really, is that what you want?" He didn't say yes, but he didn't say no...he just repeated...I will work on letting go of you. I am SOOOOOOOOO screwed up over this. Why can't I just erase my memories of him and be done. My eyes hurt sooo bad. I looke like I have an eye problem cause my eyes are so red. This really sucks and I really don't know what will happen now. Guess he goes to try to win Jolene back and I do nothing but sit in our home and wonder why he doesn't want his family back.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
What don't you get about "no contact"???
Sitting at home alone last night, I was sent several picture texts from Cole around 9pm. It's ironic that every time I start to blog about him, I get a text. After he sent me several pictures of our kids on their summer vacation up in his hometown...I finally decided to acknowledge his sending them by replying with a :) I left it at that and went to bed.
At 2:50 AM...I get another picture text. I also get one at 3:05 am. Apparently someone is having trouble sleeping. Could it be that I was on his mind? I think so...I haven't heard from him all day...well because we are supposed to be on the no contact agreement. I know he is going to cave, really soon. Just waiting...not sure what I will say to him.
I went to have a drink with one of my friends tonight, and she said something so perfect that I totally agree with. She said that when the dumpee decides to go to no contact with the dumper, it's because she really wants it to be over..and because he wants to continue to manipulate and control her, she can't get away from him without going to no contact with him. That is exactly what this is for me. I want to be done with him. Sure it does hurt, a lot...but he will never change and I will continue to go through my life not knowing if he is ever telling me the truth. There is still time to have a normal life with someone NORMAL!!!!!!
At 2:50 AM...I get another picture text. I also get one at 3:05 am. Apparently someone is having trouble sleeping. Could it be that I was on his mind? I think so...I haven't heard from him all day...well because we are supposed to be on the no contact agreement. I know he is going to cave, really soon. Just waiting...not sure what I will say to him.
I went to have a drink with one of my friends tonight, and she said something so perfect that I totally agree with. She said that when the dumpee decides to go to no contact with the dumper, it's because she really wants it to be over..and because he wants to continue to manipulate and control her, she can't get away from him without going to no contact with him. That is exactly what this is for me. I want to be done with him. Sure it does hurt, a lot...but he will never change and I will continue to go through my life not knowing if he is ever telling me the truth. There is still time to have a normal life with someone NORMAL!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Going to No Contact for 3 mos.
So apparently my breaking up with Cole didn't last long, otherwise I wouldn't be here writing this. The next morning after the break-up texting, I ended up having to call him about a particular incident going on at our home while he was out of town. He was really happy to hear from me...I could hear the smile on his face. I caved, again....I asked him if we could talk later in the evening. There were some things I needed to say. I apologized for being so mean in the texts. I told him that I was just confused, and hurt, angry, you name it. I told him that I really, really wanted to go to no contact with him...Just to sort out some things in my head and for him to figure out what he wants. I can't keep doing this flip flop thing, of him wanting me..then wanting her, wanting me, wanting her.
Things are getting heated between Cole and Jolene....she wants more of his time. She has asked him why he hasn't introduced her to his kids (fat chance of that ever happening lady)...why he didn't take her to a wedding he attended last week. Why doesn't he come stay with her, why, why, why....little does she know she is pushing him away from her. I'm kind of loving this behaviour of hers. Who's needy now B-yatch?? Oh ya, at one time she accused me of being needy. I love that the honeymoon is crashing down into tiny little pieces! With that in mind...I decided to pull away even more. I told him I want to go to 3 mos of no contact between him and I. No texting, no emailing, no phone calls, no seeing each other, no coming into our home, no helping out around the house for any reason....Stay completely away from me for 3 whole months! The only thing you can do is pull up, sit in your car and wait for your kids to come out or drop them off. At first I suggested 6 mos and he said "no" that it was too long. Whatever...so I agreed to 3 mos. I know he won't be able to go 3 mos without some sort of texting me, I miss you or something stupid.
I am now on day 2...can't say I miss him yet. Yes I am totally thinking about him, but not in a missing him kind of way. I really don't know what I am feeling. I guess confusion is still in my mind. I am wondering if he is thinking about me at all? (OMG!! just now received a text) it was just him sending a picture of one of my kids to me. (They are all out of town right now). Well crap...how is that no contact? I am not responding. He is not living up to the 3 mos of no contact. I warned him not to contact me in any way....it's only day 2 for crying out loud!!!
Ugh...okay so back to my feelings. This is what makes me crazy. I want to be left alone for awhile. I want to sort out who I am, and what I want. Do I want someone who cheats on me, and lies to me, and then tells me he loves me and misses me, and then goes running to spend the night with his affair partner. NOOOOOOO!!! I want to be done. I don't want to do this anymore. (just got another picture text from him, apparently he really does not get it).
Things are getting heated between Cole and Jolene....she wants more of his time. She has asked him why he hasn't introduced her to his kids (fat chance of that ever happening lady)...why he didn't take her to a wedding he attended last week. Why doesn't he come stay with her, why, why, why....little does she know she is pushing him away from her. I'm kind of loving this behaviour of hers. Who's needy now B-yatch?? Oh ya, at one time she accused me of being needy. I love that the honeymoon is crashing down into tiny little pieces! With that in mind...I decided to pull away even more. I told him I want to go to 3 mos of no contact between him and I. No texting, no emailing, no phone calls, no seeing each other, no coming into our home, no helping out around the house for any reason....Stay completely away from me for 3 whole months! The only thing you can do is pull up, sit in your car and wait for your kids to come out or drop them off. At first I suggested 6 mos and he said "no" that it was too long. Whatever...so I agreed to 3 mos. I know he won't be able to go 3 mos without some sort of texting me, I miss you or something stupid.
I am now on day 2...can't say I miss him yet. Yes I am totally thinking about him, but not in a missing him kind of way. I really don't know what I am feeling. I guess confusion is still in my mind. I am wondering if he is thinking about me at all? (OMG!! just now received a text) it was just him sending a picture of one of my kids to me. (They are all out of town right now). Well crap...how is that no contact? I am not responding. He is not living up to the 3 mos of no contact. I warned him not to contact me in any way....it's only day 2 for crying out loud!!!
Ugh...okay so back to my feelings. This is what makes me crazy. I want to be left alone for awhile. I want to sort out who I am, and what I want. Do I want someone who cheats on me, and lies to me, and then tells me he loves me and misses me, and then goes running to spend the night with his affair partner. NOOOOOOO!!! I want to be done. I don't want to do this anymore. (just got another picture text from him, apparently he really does not get it).
Friday, June 25, 2010
I broke up with him....via text....this is our transcript....
Cole: How was your day?
Cole: you mad at me about something?
me: no, just giving you the space you asked for.
cole :Oh, what does that mean? that I only get short answers? How was your workout?
Me: to do your thing with jolene
cole: I’m feeling like this is a one sided conversation.
Me: ?
cole: ?? I have those too.
me: did you see what I said?
cole: about the space?
me: Yes
cole: what thing?
me: U know, answering to her.
cole: are you breaking up with me?
Me: are we together?
cole: dating
Me: we are dating? LOL, really?
Cole: we went on one! Guess I don’t measure up L
Me: I heard you in the kitchen arguing.
cole: Yeah I was
me: You’re her little bitch boy.
Chad: OUCH!
me: yeah you were what, answering to her?
cole: answering or disagreeing?
me: About what? did she know we went out?
cole: About staying at the house and hanging out at the house.
me: she knew you slept in our bed?
cole: No
Me: did you lie to her and tell her u didn’t touch me?
me: be honest.
cole: I didn’t discuss it with her.
me: yes you did, I heard u.
cole: No, I didn’t
me: Then where did you tell her you slept?
me: and why won’t you say what u really did?
Cole: because I wasn’t in the mood for an argument. I was pretty content on sunday!
chad:I did say I slept on the couch, which technically I did in the morning after you went to work.
Me: technically, you f&^%$ the hell out of me and I fell asleep in your arms.
cole: Is that what we did?
Me: you don’t remember?
Me: why do you argue with her?
cole: I haven’t much, but she has started to get a bit possessive. and YES, I remember! I would put it in the top of all nights I’ve ever had.
Me: so are you her boyfriend? be honest?
cole: I don’t know what I am, maybe her toy?
Me: So are you gonna allow the possessiveness?
Cole: I don’t want to be a possession.
Me: You already are, hers.
me: She doesn’t want you around me?
cole: not really.
me: why doesn’t she want u around me.
cole: because she see’s you as a threat.
Me: why?
Me: Am I?
cole: Maybe you are!
Me: How?
cole: you don’t listen to anything I say do you? Or maybe you just don’t believe anything I say!
Me: I don’t believe u…at all…..I want off the rollercoaster and I’m leaving the amusement park!
Me: You like this, you FEED off this!!
Cole: I really don’t…it wears me out.
Me: well one of them is ending….for good. I can’t and not doing this….it’s stupid, it sucks and I just can’t…sorry L
Me: had fun this weekend, will put it in my memory bank….
Me: but I am moving on, without U.
Me: You’re turn to give me my space too…please
Me: Let US end.
Me: It’s over.
cole: I’m sorry for putting you through everything that I have. I know, too little too late! I knew this was coming eventually!
Me: I’m sorry L
cole: but it doesn’t change how I feel about you! I will give you your space! as much as I am hurting right now!!
Me: Thank you…..
cole: I know you don’t believe that either! But I am thankful we have our kids, so that I still have you somewhere in my life.
Me: Ok, but please avoid me.
Me: I really want it to be over.
Me: Ok?
Me: thank u…
cole: I want you to be happy and will be here if you need anything…..sorry I’m such a crybaby asshole.
cole: goodnight! I do and will always love you!!
me: thanks gnite.
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